Wow! A positive interaction from your H. Who would of thought. I'm glad you let it happen. He can be a niceguy after all. Good thing because if he had been a jerk on your birthday, I might have had to go over there and regulate.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
I got an impromptu birthday present from a friend who works for High School Musical Live! I took my friend and our D6s! The girls were so adorable. It was the best show and we had the best seats. I highly recommend it for girls and boys between 5-11! I am so happy to spend a date night with my D6.
Yesterday, as I walked her home from school, a little girl from daycare yelled out from her car, "Hi D, Sorry to hear about your Dad being dead."
I looked at my D6 who immediately looked scared. I yelled back, "That's not true!"
D6 looked very guilty. I asked her why she is telling people that? She gave no answer. Is my D6 scarred by all this? That makes my resentment grow more than anything else at this point.
I did what the doctor on Oprah said and told her the names of the other parents she can talk to if she feels she cannot talk to me about Daddy stuff. I know she is holding back because in her mind she wants to be loyal to me and does not me to be hurt by how much she loves and misses her father.
Also her cousins go to her school and they have been talking bad about her father! They must be hearing crap from my brother.
My D6 blurted to her scout leader that her fatherhas a mistress who looks 8 years old. Was my face red. I told her that is not true. My mother mentioned at Disneyland that she looked 16 so D6 got it mixed up. My mother did not realize how much of her native language D6 picked up on....
Last edited by mkultra; 10/19/0706:40 AM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
OMG, MK. That really got me. This is exactly the reason I am holding on to my marriage. I don't want my kids to go through crap like your D6 is going through. I remember those feelings when my parents split. It is just the worst thing. Yes, people talking is so damaging to their little self esteems.
I read somewhere that children inherently know that they are created from their mother and father. To them, they are both parents. When one parent becomes "bad" they automatically deduce that they too must be bad because they are from and a part of that parent. They can not separate themselves as an individual yet. Their world is so dependent on that of their parents.
How is D6 doing in therapy? It sounds like it's not just you she feels she has to be loyal to but also your mom and brother. I would talk to the therapist regarding damage control. You may want to consider asking that your family keep H convo off limits while D6 and other children are around. Then, as hard as it is, rebuild your H's image for your D6. Point out all the good things about him, how much he loves her, the time he spends with her, and the things she does with him. It's not to take your H off the hook. He's still being an idiot, but it's for your daughter's health.
So hard. Poor thing. I have to do the same. Every time I see anyone, they want to know what my A-hole husband is doing now. My kids are small, but they are growing. They don't need this stuff ingrained in their little heads.
The good news is, you caught on. You are looking this straight in the face instead of ignoring it. You will be there for your D6, and both of you will rise above it. IT is so wonderful that you were able to have some quality time with her. I'm sure that was so special to both of you and did so much to boost her spirits.
(((HUGS))) to you and both your little ones. Hell (((HUGS)) to your H too. (I guess I'm feeling generous)
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
My H gets SO mad when I have mentioned that if he had died in a car accident, we all would have been able to heal much faster... it is the truth, but he doesn't / can't see that.
This reality is so much harder.
I am going to ditto what neph said; every point she made was right on.
You also might want to write this up and just give your H a note about how his D is handling the mess that he created. Don't get into a discussion about it, don't use it as guilt, just as a FYI. But swing that by her IC first, to get her feedback. Sounds like your D is being pretty resourceful and normal in her attempts to cope.
omg, mk, wow. your poor daughter. honey, you have to make sure people are not badmouthing your H around her. its hard, but wow, they pick up on everything, don't they? poor baby.
glad you had a date night with her. that must have been fun! I'll tell you, maybe its because I have a boy, but I have never seen hsm, have no idea anything about it, but sounds like it was tons of fun.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
LOL! High School Musical is so awesome but a weird trigger is that most of the stars are played by people the same age as my H's new housemates and OW so yeah, it is weird to see all these "kids" and to think this is the same age that my H spends all day and night with. Ewwweee!
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
You know those fantasies we have about being fabulous in front our H's friends and then H has to hear stories about how fabulous we are? That was last night for me. I was very anxious about having my 20th Reunion Cocktails at my work last night because the man in charge has been my H's #1 proponent for divorce and he is his only transitional enabler friend at the moment. Uck. This friend is a real slime ball, but I smiled and let him dance with me and my friends for one dance only.
Then my H's true friends came. They are so supportive of me and my kids. If you know me, you know my H and I were together as children at church camp so his best friends have also been my friends for over 20 years! They were great. But another friend P got really drunk and she started spewing a lot of gossip to them about my H and his OW so I guess that confirmed they are still together. Friend P said she saw OW working one block down from my work at a tacky laungerie store and that she was really ugly and that she saw my H and he was really miserable and depressed waiting for her to get off work. I told her to stop gossiping so she took the guys into the other room to talk more smack, like she was doing me a favor. They came back shocked. These guys are total Christians!!! They asked, "What happened to H??? I cannot believe what has happened?? Are your kids OK??"
I smiled but after two shots of whiskey I did tell them that D6 said her dad was dead and that he did lose a lot of weight and that I did have to take over his job to help my mom and to make ends meet.
It is funny. Their only reply was that they have never seen me look more beautiful and happy. Men. Sweet though. I told them with all the conviction in my heart, "I am happy."
It will go down as one of the best nights of my life. This has been a cathartic experience. Full circle. Spending one night with all my friends from 20 years ago, may of them were at our wedding ten years ago and now they are here for me now as I go through this horrible process. OK I did miss my H for a minute because he would have maybe seen how life could have been surrounded by so many loved ones in one place. How many chances do we get to be with that many loved ones? Wedddings, funerals, and reunions. And he is with some bar tramp and such. Nice.
Last edited by mkultra; 10/20/0706:16 PM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
oh mk, I'm so happy to hear you had a nice night last night!!!! I know you missed H, but what a wonderful supportive group of friends you have. see what he is missing out on? he'll never get that night now, ever. and instead of sitting and feeling sad or angry, you went out and claimed it and had a great time. and hot damn, even told the gossip off. woo-hooo!
very sweet of those men friends of yours. and I have no doubt they were only telling the truth.
is there more today? our reunions are 3 day affairs, and can't remember if you said you had something today. if you do, hope it goes as well.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
My daughter would actually pack her bags, and officially call you her mother if you offered anything HSM to her.
Quote:
Their only reply was that they have never seen me look more beautiful and happy.
They forgot "strong" as well. I am so happy to hear about your night. You deserve that and more. Remember, there are so many people around us, deep into their own marital problems. We just might not realize it. People understand.
Your poor D, looking scared that she was in trouble for saying that. I could throttle your H for doing this. Thank goodness she has you. You are doing so very well.
