The encouragement and advice is much appreciated, thanks a lot. Woke up feeling better having gotten a decent nights sleep (that's a small miracle in itself) but still have no idea what's going on or how I'm going to speak to her this week. Oh well, I've trusted God most of the way through this, I guess I have to trust a while longer. It'll work out somehow.
The painful thing is that I didn't want to talk R last night, she brought it up. She said I'd sounded off the past two days and wanted to talk about it because she wanted to see the good and bad parts of me to make sure we're making progress. So I figured this was a good time to come clean about some of the issues I've had with what she says and how she says them. Told her my LL is words of affirmation and her talking about her life and her future in a way that doesn't include me, that makes it very clear I'm not part of it, hurts. Especially after being intimate and hearing ILY and her refering to herself as my wife and all that. That's where all the stuff she started spewing out came from. I opened up, showed her some vulnerability and she kicked me in the nuts for it. No, she told me I didn't have the right to feel hurt, that we were so very far from being at a place where we start taking each other into account. She broke my trust although I don't think she'd ever see it that way and it's going to be a bit before I feel comfortable talking to her about anything important again.
I feel like a dog who gets kicked everytime it goes to eat some food. I know the kick might come and it hurts every time but I'm too hungry not to go for it.
from what I've read.. now is NOT the time to talk about Rs, even if SHe initiates it. That is to say... don't go into DEEP details.
That is to say: she's probably still all about her. she may only want to "know about you", insofar as it relates to HER>
It's really, really important that you stay out of this trap. she'll probably try to pick a fight with you to justify her not going to retrouville. Stay out of it.
Retrouville will give you tools to discuss the heavy stuff, without poisoning your relationship. Right now, you dont have the tools. so avoid it.
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No, she told me I didn't have the right to feel hurt, that we were so very far from being at a place where we start taking each other into account.
in some ways, she's "right". not in the sense that you dont have the right.. she IS your wife. But she's right in that you should not have expected any kind of compassion from her at this point. because SHE [not "we"] is very far from being at a place where she takes you into account for anything. I think you already knew this. So, be smarter next time [and cover your nuts ]
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
in some ways, she's "right". not in the sense that you dont have the right.. she IS your wife. But she's right in that you should not have expected any kind of compassion from her at this point. because SHE [not "we"] is very far from being at a place where she takes you into account for anything. I think you already knew this. So, be smarter next time [and cover your nuts ]
Yeah, I know but you're right to tell me again. I need to hear it obviously. Thanks for looking out.
It just drives me nuts. I don't think I would have such a bad time with it if the weekend hadn't gone as well as it did. And she'd made comments in the past about *possibly* looking for a job where I'll be so I thought maybe we had crossed the me to we bridge. Apparently not. I know I'm whining to the choir but I *hate* this.
She called and left a message saying Just wanted to reassure you that I love you. I don't know what to do with that anymore. It's great to hear but if it's in her head that she can't handle the separation, which I cannot change, then I'd rather not build up a fresh layer of good memories to torment me when it falls to crap later. I guess I'm just feeling a little helpless and a lot sorry for myself.
I'm stoked about Retrovaille and also concerned. I'm hoping for some kind of big deal and what if it isn't? What if it's just a weekend of her communicating to me that she doesn't want to carry on, that I'm fun right now but she can't go forward with me? In an effective manner, of course ;). I just don't know if I can handle that. But I do know that I have to get my head on straight before hand because nothing good will happen if I go in expecting the worst. I'm exhausted but having you all helps. More thanks than I can say
I have a question and I really need some outside thoughts on this. When I approached W about Retrouvaille a couple weeks ago, I indicated that if she would go, I would take care of any costs. She has agreed and we're going next weekend but I kind of feel like it would be more appropriate to use our joint account to pay for it since it's for the both of us. Question is, do I ask her about that while stating that I'm still willing to pay on my own since that's what I agreed to? Or do I just leave it and eat the cost to avoid rocking the boat?
I'm conflicted because I want her to feel some "ownership" of the coming weekend, that she isn't a passenger, she's a participant. I think using joint $ might help. Also, I've been really passive with her over the past couple of months, not doing anything to upset the apple cart and I'm starting to feel like a bit of a doormat. But, I don't want this to be a source of contention between us prior to going. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
OMG pay for it yourself. This is not the time for you to have any expectations from her. Bite the bullet Bryan. She needs support too right now and you are here so obviously you are the one strong enough to save this marriage. I do not think agreeing with everthing to save your marriage is a bad thing. They say to do that on Marriage Builders, not so much DR. Sorry but if you bring up that money stuff you will sound petty or cheapin her eyes, or at least that you are back pedalling on something you said you would do. She may be a passenger or she may get some really good infromation. I know my H went to MC and his heart was not into it but at least I got something out of it. Think of it that way. You will win either way. Either you get something out of it with her or all on your own. Retro has a lot of success.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Maybe it is a chick thing, but for me, it is such a total bummer when my H brings up the cost of something he paid for. As if he is entitled to take it out of child support when he has not given me any for two months. I know he is hard up but so are we and I have the kids full time. I digress. It is not acting as if you divide stuff up like that.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
HI Bryan I agree that you should pay for it especially if that is what you offered in the beginning. Money is a very tricky thing at this point I think for everyone because no matter what when you S you are both not in the same position money wise as you were before.
How are you holding up? I know you can make it to this weekend. I will have my fingers crossed for you all weekend that it goes well and Retro knocks some sense into that wife of yours. Remember you are blessed that she is willing to go whether she gets something out of it or not. A lot of us (me included) would do anything to get their spouse to just talk to someone let alone a whole weekend that they know is devoted to it. You can do it. I can not wait to hear how it all goes.
Hey Lissie, haven't seen you in a while. Well, I've been looking for your thread but haven't' seen it. Hope you're doing alright.
So, I took Dom's advice from many months back. W has been telling me that she can't handle a 2 year separation (job's moving me to TX and then to the desert for a year so it would be 2 years before we could live together again). I really wanted the trip to the desert (long story but it would be beneficial in a lot of ways) but decided this past weekend that I would see if it was possible to get out of it. Turns out, since I was a volunteer for this thing (didn't mention that did I) it wasn't hard to get my name out of it at all. So, I'm still going to TX but I'm not going anywhere else afterwards which should alleviate some of the anxiety on W's part about a long separation.
I found this out on Wednesday but haven't told W yet. Don't know how to really. I think she'll be a little mad at me for dropping it, she knows how much I wanted to and what a good opportunity it was. But, it wasn't her decision to make, it was mine and I decided that the M is more important than the job. Besides, if she really does want to pursue a D, I can pick up a new deployment in pretty short order. I was thinking about telling her sometime during the Retrouvaille program. I understand that they give you lots of time to talk so I was thinking somewhere in there. I just got to get the timing and tone right, I don't want to sour the weekend by doing it poorly.
Ugh, another money issue. W's credit card had some issues for several weeks. Not a credit issue, technical in nature. Anyway, she used our joint card during that time which we've agreed will only be used for things realted to selling our house. I agreed to this deviation as there were extenuating circumstances. She finally got her card stuff sorted out and I got an e-mail from her a couple of days ago stating that she paid off what she owes on our joint card. Knowing her and how lose she is with $, I looked this morning and by my rough calculations, she paid about $300 less than she should have. I know $'s a touchy thing but I also want to make sure that the separtion between our funds, which she absolutely demanded, is there and applied fairly. I get a sick feeling in my stomach whenever this type of thing comes up because I dread having to talk with her about this stuff.
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