He's on Match.com

[Trixi]

If he asks if you are on Match.com tell the truth. Or let him think you are looking for a date. Just kidding. not.

That's funny. Homer would definitely say to let him think I am looking for a date.

I don't know. I wasn't looking for a date, I was confirming my fears.

The listing agent for the lease house just called me back. They are showing the house to two potential renters this weekend, but would rather do the lease purchase option. They want to get this wrapped up before November 1st. EEK.

I had told myself if I heard from the agent before H got to the house, it would be a sign I should move forward. Now, my stomach is gurgley and I am not so sure. I am sooooo scared.

[Trixi]

Thinking more-
"Bold/assertive" women KNOW what they want and don't accept any less than that. They don't play games.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY back when we were first dating, he broke up with me. I looked at him and said "That's fine. You'll be back".
He recently told me that he was impressed with that.

HELLO?????????

[mkultra]

If it does not feel right maybe you should not do it. I know how you feel. I was under a contract deadline for my job to go full time or stay part time. I had no idea what my H's plans were and I have a S2 that I wanted to rear as a SAHM. The thought of signing a contract scared the bejeezes out of me and the thought of my baby in FT daycare broke my heart but then the thought of being alone on a single paycheck or welfare, yikes. So I did have to have faith and go with my gut and only work part time and take the risk that my H would be sane enough to support us a while. Yikes. It sucks. I know.
I know that Homer says that too and I have to tell you that I have not gone on any dates with men but I do go out and it haskind of served the same purpose. GAL. I also try to look my best and word has gotten back to my H and I think he realizes that I could be desirable to others, but I do not think that counts until I reallydate someone who could potentially replace him as a father figure with my D6, that would probably be the ONLY thing that would remotely bring him home.

Your H reminds me of the Jeff Bridges DJ character in the Fisher King movie with Robin Williams. He treated his really hot wife like crap for no reason except of his own MLC and failures and low self esteem. He blamed her for being too loving, loyal and sexy!!! Crazy.

[Trixi]

I don't know what feels right. None of this feels right.

There are moments, though, that I imagine living in that other house and I get a little bit excited. I imagine having friends over; changing out light fixtures; painting some walls; making it a cozy little nest. I lose weight; I am happy.

Of course, then I have to take it one step further and imagine that H becomes curious about what I am doing; comes over and sees I am doing really great and realizes that in fact, he would be making the biggest mistake of his life to leave me. And then he would court me and I would move very slowly.
Ahhhh...what a nice fantasy.

Then there are these thoughts: I move in and am lonely beyond comprehension. I try to date but no one measures up to my H. He screws someone else, decides he is very happy with her-files for divorce and he lives happily ever after and I die alone.

No, nothing seems at all right about this situation. If he said today "Ok, I'm coming home to work on the marriage" I would be scared out of my mind too. (Of course, since i know he's just been active on match, I wouldn't believe him anyway.)

[mkultra]

Ahe yas. That fantasy. It could become a total reality if he knows that the door is open but that the welcome mat might be put out for someone else?? Keep that visual in your hea. he comes home to see how happy you are. A happy spouse is extremely hard to leave. I know I say that all thetime. His isues are his issues and honestly, it sounds kind of like a MLC. You may need to do the unconditional love thing but just go about your own business in your own home for a while. My D6 TH said it could take two years for a MLC WAS to come back but most LBS have already moved on. That is why DBing takes so much strength and patience so stay on your Northern Star!

[Trixi]

The fantasy does not include me being in this house.

I guess that is my answer. I am unable to visualize staying here with all of his stuff and showing my independence. I mean, seriously, could I really bring a date back here? Would he ever believe I would bring a date back here? I don't think so. I think that as long as he sees me amongst his stuff, I will just be a 'thing' waiting for his return.

[Trixi]

ugh. I feel sick with the thought of him coming over right now.
Blech. I do have clients scheduled for this afternoon, so I won't have to be here with him for too long.

I was thinking maybe I would say "Gosh..I sure wish I could find a guy with no baggage, who doesn't play games. You know, someone that I could explore the state with and be intimate with....yeah..that sure would be nice" and then see what he does.

I was already on the verge of a 'sht or get off the pot' speech (hence my looking at homes last weekend)--finding him on match is just making more clear that I probably ought to do that.

[NikB]

Why is he coming over to YOUR HOME if you are not comfortable with it???

You are absolutely obsessing over this right now, and it's not helping you at all. I understand how hard it is NOT to but just detach, do some things for yourself, and BE STILL for awhile.

What do you love to do that relaxes you?

Do whatever that is. Call H, tell him you have other plans and not to come over.

[saffie]

I am going to slap you agent - you deserve better. Look after YOU

Saffie

[Trixi]

Well, I did it. sort of. not really...kind of.

Journal/updating--

I came home and he was smiling at me and I was glowering at him.

He said "Are you mad at me?" and I said "you could say that."
I then said "You know, I was thinking, I would sure like to meet a guy who had NO baggage, that wanted to travel the state and be intimate. Yeah. And it would be really cool if he wanted to go to Fiji or some place exotic like that. You don't happen to know anyone like that, do you?"

So he was sorta smiling and chuckling and I was arms crossed, foot tapping. We had a good stare off. Finally:
H "I TOLD you I wanted to see other people"
Me "And I told YOU that I didn't want to be part of a harem. I don't think we should be "dating" anymore. And that means no more sex, too."
H "That's fine by me. good idea. Because I want to date and I am going to do it. That's what I need to do right now."

Then we talked a little bit about living arrangements. I asked what would happen if he broke his lease, because I found a cute house. First he said that maybe I *should* go buy the house; he thinks we are going to end up divorced anyway-but he's not 100% sure, but he is leaning a lot more in that direction. Then I challenged him on a couple issues; he countered saying we're not right for each other, I countered with that he ALWAYS comes back; that he loves me. He agreed that he loves me a lot. So then he said I should go ahead and stay in the house because it would be cheaper and he didn't want to move right now.

Broken hearted, I came in the house, bawled some; I felt stiffled. I went back to the garage and said I couldn't move forward with all his stuff there. He said I could pack it up if I wanted.

I asked him to come and look at the house. He did. He thought it would be "perfect" for me and could see why I wanted it. I explained the lease to him. He said he would check with the apartments to see what would happen if he broke his lease.

On the way to the house, we were passing new buildings being built and then I see the YMCA. So I say "Oh-and there's the YMCA. I'll be going there; it's so close I could walk to it. Cool."

We went out to dinner. I said I just didn't know what to do about the house. He said "well, maybe you should just rent it (not do the lease) and just ask that they give you first right of refusal." Later he said "if we get back together, maybe I would just move in with you. I don't like yard work as much as I thought I would."

That opened the door for me to tell him "how it would be":
"I will move into the house and make it really cute and homey. I'll be lonely at first, but I'll get over it. I'll get a really cute dog. I'll have friends over. I'll lose weight and get in shape. I'll be enjoying my life and my business will be successful. You'll be thinking you can just move on. You'll be trying to date, but they won't measure up to me [he made a noise of agreement]. A couple/few months will go by and finally you'll call up to say 'hi'. I'll be in between boyfriends because they won't be able to measure up to you [he made another noise of agreement], so I'll ask if you want to come over and see the house and have dinner. You will say "yes" and come over. You'll walk in and feel like you have come home. You'll love my dog. We'll have a nice dinner and soon, you will be coming over more and more.You'll wonder why in the world you ever wanted to break us up. Finally, we will discuss getting back together for good and then we will travel and do all sorts of fun things. I will forgive you for making me move, because it will finally break this vicious cycle once and for all. Yup. That's how it's gonna go down."
He was smiling the whole time and said at the end "It sure would be great if it turns out that way. I hope it does."

At one point during dinner he said something about us being friends and I said "um, no. You're my husband not my friend" and he said "Noooo...I am your friend" I conceded that of course he was my friend, BUT, he is my husband and that is what I want from him; I don't want to be "just friends" and he said "Oh, no. You're not going to shake me that easily. I will hunt you down. You can't get rid of me." I told him we could argue about that later.

On the way home he said "well, Lu(pet name for me), you're just gonna have to prove your stuff."

We get home and he said something (can't remember what) and I said "Yeah-don't want to be part of the Harem" and he was like "you don't want to be Queen of the harem?" "Nope. I want to be queen of your world." By then he had his hands on my waist and was caressing my waist and staring into my eyes. Nothing happened, well...he did kiss me.

He is now headed out to meet with mutual guy friend at the bar. Apparently he told MGF that I was mad and MGF said he was going to bar by himself, so it could be boys night out. On his way out, H said that if MGF's woman friend was there, he would call me and I should come down.

Sorry for such a long story. It was important to me to get that out. I still feel sick to my stomach if I imagine him gone forever, and I suppose that it could ultimately end up that way; but I think my fantasy/story is a much better ending.