He's on Match.com

[Trixi]

Oh Dom... I wish I could be as optimistic. I think he is cake eating big time.

When he said "nothing was changing" he meant that he was unable to commit and we were stuck in the same old rut as when he lived here. He said it at a time that he was very distant and cold. It was actually sounding like a lead up to a bomb- but I diffused it when I turned and crossed his lap to face him.

Actually,I think I pressured him too much. I talked about getting a motorhome; we went to the animal place and after dinner he said he just wanted to get back and chill out with his guitar and I said "well, if we had a motorhome, your guitar would be right here and you could lay down for a nap." Another time we were talking about TVs and I said "well, if you decide to come back, we should get a such and so tv". That's why when he stayed over an extra night he told me not to get any "crazy ideas" and the same night that he told me that "so far" we were dating exclusively. AND, he slapped me down for suggesting that my Husband live with me; his response "We're ONLY dating".

He called earlier today and said "um, I think I'm just going to hang out here tonight. But I'll be over tomorrow morning sometime."
Huh. So, I am supposed to believe that he wants to "hang out" in the apartment he hates living in (his words), oddly enough, right after he has been active on Match.com. Riiiiggght. <rolls eyes>


He is ACTIVELY looking for someone. He is using me until someone better comes along. How can I see it any other way? Over on the MB site, Dr Harley said this to me: "From my perspective, a date from a husband who is "dating" others would run the risk of being emotionally catastrophic for you. It's his suggestion that you do such a thing that makes me wonder if he's not borderline sociopathic. It's downright cruel.

Your best bet right now is to sit tight in Plan B and wait for the fog to clear. My most optimistic assumption is that your husband has been having affairs during most of your married life, and he's in one now that has captivated him. When the affair is over, he may come clean and explain to you what's been happening all along. If that really hasn't happened, and he really does want to compare you with other women he dates, I'd strongly encourage you to end your marriage, in spite of the negative ramifications. Marriage should be a relationship of extraordinary care, and for your husband to leave you at a time that he has a clear mind is evidence that he's your worst enemy. He's using you, not caring for you."

In response to a different post, Dr Harley said "However, I must repeat what I said earlier that anyone who leaves his wife just to see if there's something better out there has serious character issues."


My H is not having affairs. He is clear headed.

A bold woman would say "F you. Call me when you have you sht together and maybe I'll have time to talk to you."
I have to wonder why he mentions that a lot of women would tell him to f off. It isn't the nice ones that would do that; it isn't the meek ones that would do that; it would be a confident woman who knows she has plenty to offer and doesn't need to be waiting around for his sorry a$$.

[saffie]

Agernt,

I feel for you honey - I really do.

Unlike Dom I don't think 80% of people on these boards would feel lucky to be where you are. I think your H has you between a rock and a hard place.

I have had my H say things like "a W putting on weight should be grounds for a divorce". That was after kids 3 and 4. He doesn't say it now because HE is overweight and I now am not but it sure made me feel horrid and I still remember it. I lost all my weight due firstly to an accident - that has given me so much pain that I actually stoppped being able to eat properly for long periods and also due to distress at our M. I haven't put any effort into it so I guess I am 'lucky'. I understand what you say about exercise and the lack of endorphins. I have my own horse and then the four kids to run after and that keeps me fit but when I am very depressed i don't feel like doing much of anything physical.

I wish I could hop over the ocean and give you a hug. Your H is being cruel to you mentally - I know he doesn't know that you know but it is still cruel.

Saffie

[Trixi]

I wish I could hop over the ocean and give you a hug. Your H is being cruel to you mentally - I know he doesn't know that you know but it is still cruel.

Thank you. Thank you for understanding. I do feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I know that, technically, we're separated and the rules of engagement are different; that he doesn't 'feel' married, nor does he want to.

But how can I have any self respect if I sit idley by while my husband SEARCHES for someone else? He's not even entangled by emotions and stuck in the fog.

I love him a great deal and even contemplating telling him to go away until he makes up his mind scares the sht out of me and makes me afraid I will lose him for good. But, this is no way to live. I wouldn't mind "dating" him, having sex, etc, if we were dating exclusively and he was using the rest of his time to really consider what he wanted and work on his issues. But, since apparently he "has no baggage", I don't see *that* happening.

It makes me sick that he is offering up to the world *exactly* what I want. *I* want to travel, *I* love to "explore the state and be intimate". Why not do these things with ME, his WIFE? Why not invest the same energy that he would in taking someone else (a stranger) on a date???????????????

No, he doesn't know that I know (yet), but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to read between the lines when all he could offer for dating exclusively was "so far" and that he wanted to have the option to date others. He MUST know that he is really not doing the "right" thing because HE says that a lot women would tell him to F off until he got his sht together; that I am a big girl and can make my own decisions and that if it's too hard on me, I can tell him to take a hike. Those are not the words of a man who feels he is treating someone with respect. If he thought he was being respectful, it would never cross his mind that a lot of people wouldn't accept it; he would be confused if I made any objections--not say that he would "understand" if I did.

I guess I should feel 'lucky' that he agreed to sexual exclusivity; however, I think it is probably because he knows I am "bug-free" and I don't demand much from him. (Like exclusive dating.) If he starts sleeping with someone else, he risks disease and then having her start expecting him to date her exclusively.

Last night, (and even right now) I am starting to talk myself into thinking "oh well...It's not so bad...Maybe if I am just patient enough and I wait it out long enough...and then we could still see each other and it won't be so scary..."

WHAT AM I THINKING??? Someone slap me!! My husband is advertising wanting to be "intimate" with someone else! (And, he has been on there again within the past 12 hours.)

[hiscott]

Agent99,

I'm sorry that you are in the situation that you are in. It sucks. He has his cake and is eating it too. Why should he change what he is doing when he know that he has you waiting in the wing. I understand. My WAW was doing the same thing to me.

I suggest you seriously consider backing off. Stop the sex. Stop telling him you love him. Tell him that you want to work on your marriage, but will not engage with him if he can not fully engage with you exclusively. Be strong. You will feel better about yourself. You can not convince him to return to you exclusively. He needs to decide that for himself.

I know that this is so much harder to do than to say. But this is what I have been doing for the last month or so and life is so much easier. I feel that W respects me more.

[Trixi]

Thanks Hiscott-
Luckily, I never say ILY unless he says it first.

yes, WHY should he change what he's doing? Doesn't seem to be much of a downside for him right now.

How much do you see your wife?

I know that when my H feels down or lonely or wants comfort or just wants a friend or wants to be reassured that someone loves him, I am who he runs to. I think maybe it is time that he see what it would be like to not have Agent 99 there, always so ready to forgive.

[hiscott]

Absolutely. Again, I know that it's hard, but honestly, it doesnt seem like what you are doing now is bringing him closer and it's tearing you apart.

I see my wife every few days. In order to impact our three boys the least, we have a house and an apartment and she and I switch places every couple of days. The schedule is pretty fluid, so we talk logistics nearly everyday. When I do see her, it's harder for me to maintain my neutrality. I'm so attracted to her that I am tempted into pursuing behaviors. It's taken me nine months of separation to realize that that does not work. I've made it clear that I want to work to rebuild our marriage, but am not really available to her other than logistically until she wants to also work on our marriage.

[mkultra]

I am caught up now on your sitch. I am sorry that you are feeling so much anxiety or your H's choices. I agree with Dr. Harley that your H is acting ready for an affair if he has not already had one. Who knows with his attitude but I do not think that is grounds for a divorce. I also agree with Dom that you can Act As If and reward positive behavior that your H is showing when you are together. You snooped and that needs to stop. Yes, he is actively seeking but who knows if he will act on it. I feel it is a betrayal but it would be the same if he went to a concert with his friend, checked out the ladies and wondered if it could be a Match. That is what these online fantasy places can be. Some people act on it some just look, like the ad says. I have looked, have you? Stop snooping. I also agree with Saffie about being stuck because we are all in LIMBO LAND waiting for this fog to clear. I did find something that I think sums up how your H will not see you as a date because he is cake eating. He already feels like he won you.
We Always Want More Of
Something We Can’t Have...
Women all over the United States call me and say, “The man in my life is pulling away, because he’s afraid of commitment.” And I say, “You have been head-over-heels in love with
him for three months or three years? You haven’t looked at another man since you got
involved?” “That’s right. That’s right.” I said, “So the reason he’s pulling away is he has
low self-esteem and he’s looking down on you for being in love with him.”
“Subconsciously, he wants struggle. You think he wants reassurance. So you’re trying to give
him reassurance that you won’t hurt him and that you should be together, and so forth and so
on. And this reassurance is never working. Therefore, the remedy is wrong, because it’s
based on the wrong diagnosis. He gets afraid of commitment after he’s bored to death,
because subconsciously he wants a project. He wants a struggle. You’re taking away any
challenge to him that he wants. You say, ‘I’m all yours. I’m all yours. I love you. I want to
be with you forever and ever. I’d do anything to please you.’ So subconsciously, he thinks,
‘Oh, what an idiot.’”
I was telling this to a woman not very long ago and she started laughing. She said, “It makes
me think of Groucho Marx. Groucho said, ‘I wouldn’t be a member of a club that would have
me as a member.’ And that’s it, exactly.” So I encouraged the woman to relax, act
independent. I said, “See? The more you pursue your husband, wife, or girlfriend, the more
you pursue them, the more they subconsciously have contempt for you. They think you’re
stupid to be in love with them, because they have such a low opinion of themselves, whether
they’re aware of this or not.”
So by your acting unconquered, date others, act happy, agree with them we both need space.
We need this separateness. You’re exactly right. This is going with their energy. This is
jujitsu.

[Trixi]

No, what's happening now isn't working.

As I go back and think about it, he was most interested in US dating after he hadn't seen me for a couple of weeks and I wasn't being his good friend. We were "forced" to get together for a wedding and he was very thrilled. He actually was forced to see that dating wasn't all that great, especially because I wasn't available to fill the voids.

And now, he is back to trying to distance himself, etc.

I did not make him work hard enough to get back.

[mkultra]

Have you told him yet about Match.com? You could make a joke about it to let him know. Or would that expose you? Do you want to keep tabs on him? I say let it go and burn it somehow. It is too tempting to keep your eye on it so I think you should tell him that you saw it and he needs to make it private so that you will not see it. I hated having to tell my H that about his email acct that would appear in my email acct. but I did it on his voicemail and laughed it off. Very awkward but it had to be done to protect me. I wish there were other rules of engangement throughout this process as it is quite humiliating for my H to be seen with his OW in public at all. I am sure itis gross to think someone you know could see his profile so let him know in a non judgemental way if possible that it hurts you. Only if you feel like it. But do not let him stay on there just for the sake of spying on his activity. I almost allowed my H to keep his email in my email box after thinking I could also spy on him, but what for? To see if he was on drugs or writing sexy notes to some whore? That is wrong all the way around. Wrn him to be discreet immediately or you will see his profile. If he asks if you are on Match.com tell the truth. Or let himthink you are looking for a date. Just kidding. not.

[Trixi]

He will be here within the next couple hours.

I agree that it isn't grounds for divorce, per se, but I'm not going to pretend I don't know.

If this was happening to his sister, I know she would rip the guy a new a'hole and tell him to f off. If this was happening to my daughter, I would be disgusted and tell her to tell him to dump him. Would Beyonce' put up with this? Would Demi Moore? Somebody name me a strong woman with self respect, that would put up with this?????