I have not been around for a while. Just keeping busy and GAL.
Well I have had some ups and downs with H. Here's the update:
H rang 2/10 to come and do his washing I said yes come now and we will have a coffee he said we aren’t going to fight are we I said no, when he got here he told me he had been away for the weekend and I asked who with – he said I am not going to lie to you – I could feel my attitude change, I starting asking questions – he said it was like an interrogation – yes it was a bit, I asked what he wants to do he said “I don’t know” he said I pushed him away and that he does not believe that I love him I just say the words – he also said he is not sure if I pushed him to far or if it is to late. I said well by you seeing someone else how are you going to sort out what you want – he said I have my own mind and she is just a very good friend and that I have everyone is on my side, giving me support and everyone hates him and she is there for him. I asked if he wants to end our marriage he said “I don’t know if I want to throw away 15 years” I said well what you are doing is not helping the sitch, he said that it would be nice to try and have a normal conversation without all the BS and that he is emotionally drained and that we should get together in a week or so and that I could “continue my interrogation”. That makes me feel really terrible and childish.
During our conversation at one stage I got frustrated and said I am out of here and he said – see that’s what you always do – walk away. So I did not - I stayed and chatted about other things. When I left he gave me a long hug.
After this conversation – I finally got hit with that 2 by 4 that I needed months ago – (yes I am a slow learner) and have decided that I need to totally let this go and move forward.
2 days later I received an email from H about money and stuff – in one of mine I said that I am sorry if it came across like interrogation – he replied
Re the interrogation - I would like to try and normalise the relationship if possible and the 20 - 50 questions each time we see each other doesn’t help. Anyway I will speak to you next week.
I did not reply to this until 3 days later and I rang and said yes I would also like to normalise the R and be friends, he said how about getting together I said I was only free on Friday and I said if you are busy lets do it in a fortnight when I was free again – he said no that is to far away and lets do lunch on Friday.
So he came on Friday and we had a nice lunch and no R talk at all – everything but, he said he would give me a buzz and we would catch up again. I felt really good about being calm etc – and I am sure it would have shocked him as he would have expected at least one question. When he left I got a hug and kiss goodbye.
Since then no real contact except stupid emails from him and on Monday he lost his keys and asked if I would drop his spare keys off to him – I did – I analysed this and came to the conclusion that I would do that for anyone.
So I am trying the friendship route, but I will not initiate any contact with him, if he suggests a get together do I, or say no until OW is out of the picture. I don’t know what to think about OW he says friends and he is not getting into a relationship but I do believe he is sleeping with her, and she is starting to push her way into his social scene.
I have heard that she is a true piece of work and not a very nice person once you get to know her, that it is all front and that this is not the first time she has played around with a married man.
So what do I do now, let this go and move on or wait for her to dig her own grave, I really don’t know, I am really trying to detach and have made some new friends, and hear what he is telling me but I know our M breakdown is not about her, its just him distracting himself and not facing his problems.
Why does he keep me hanging, every time I have asked him to come he comes – probably him keeping the door open. But he is not making any really effort with me – just saving himself the fall out of finalising everything.
I believe we could get our R back to a good place and I do not want to throw it away but he has to meet me halfway.
I know what i am doing is not working so I guess I need to finally go dark and see what happens, but I am in such a catch 22, he says I did not care in our R and that I was cold etc, so how will more of the same change the dynamics.
But if he wants me he will have to make the moves from now on.
