Divorced but CANNOT "move on": Urgent Help Needed!

[Dead Man Walking]

Remember, the people here are really trying to help you.

Azhira,

Thanks for reminding me about people's helpful intentions. That's why I prefaced my last post with a word of thanks to all who have bothered to weigh-in on my troubles.

...I'm reading a lot of hostility. Is any of this coming across to your XW? If so, that's reason enough for her to run.

I'm a little surprised that my words are being interpreted as "hostile". I don't feel any antagonism towards you or anyone else here. What I do feel is frequent confusion and/or frustration. That probably results from my unfamiliarity with DB concepts or from a misapprehension of the advice I receive due to the context or the wording. Nevertheless, my consternation would be more properly directed inward. I'll work on asking more questions, instead of trying to justify my position so much. Thanks for making me aware of this.

The answer to your question is probably. In her case, my frustrations were my reaction to her decisions -- not a cause or excuse for them. (That's my perception, anyway.)

...I do not believe I am the only person for him. That's a scary statement to make. It sounds very close to "No one else will love you like I do." Which should set off all kinds of red flags.

Azhira, I have spoken similar words to my XW. (I think it was, "You won't find anyone on Yahoo!Personals who could possibly love you as sincerely and unconditionally as I do." I have even let her know that I would sacrifice my life for her, if necessary. I don't apologize for those words; I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. I don't necessarily believe that I am the only person for her. But am I wrong to feel that I am the best person for her? So far, she has done or said nothing to make me question that belief.

Her corporate attorney/gigolo may not be the "apple of her eyes" that he once was. I know that I'm suppose to detach and therefore be uninterested and unaffected by her dating decisions. Well, I must have a lot of work to do on myself in that area, because it actually made me smile (inside) when she told me that he was "mainly just a close friend"; that she is continuing to go out with a few other guys; and that she doesn't hide this from him.

Anyway, back to your statement that my words should set off warning bells for my XW... Was my profession of love for her any different than the same assertion would be coming from her father? I have trouble understanding why either statement should alarm a daughter--or wife. (Matthew 19:5 confirms my belief that a husband should love his wife even more than her father does.)

...what in the world were you doing in her bathroom??? Bad, bad idea for someone with a restraining order!!

I knew I would have to address this eventually. There was no "hanky-panky" in the bathtub or elsewhere. She had called me earlier that day to ask me to tutor our S12 with his math. (He's having trouble with some algebraic equations, and XW has trouble explaining the concepts to him effectively.) I had offered to talk him through it by phone, but she ridiculed the suggestion. (I saw her point: it's hard to teach with no visual interaction.)

I reminded her it was not one of the days on my visitation schedule--and that I was forbidden from the premises by court order. She responded in a low-key, "no big deal" manner. I think the conversation went something like this...

XW: "You can come over here if I invite you. I'll expect you to be here on quite a few occasions, for a lot of different things."

Me: "I'm glad you feel that way; I suspected that you didn't really want me banned forever."

XW: "Well, of course not! You need to be very involved with the kids' daily activities. I have told you time & again that I won't ever stand in the way of you being a big part of their lives. That means, I won't restrict you to only seeing them on your 'visitation' days."

Me: "[XW], the problem is that the judge's order specifically prevents me from being there, under threat of fine or jail time. I can't risk that for the sake of helping [S12] with his homework."

XW: "[DMW], you don't get it, do you? You won't go to jail because I would never do that to you--as long as you don't give me a reason to. You know I have no wish to hurt you like that."

[At that point, I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying what I wanted to say. Like, "So we really did waste $3500! You just wanted a piece of paper you could threaten me with, if I ever started in with another "guilt trip". But I maintained my silence for several seconds before going on...]

Me: "[XW], that's easy for you to say now. You testified under oath that I was a physical threat to your safety, and the judge bought it. You mean you're not 'afraid' of me anymore?"

XW: "You know you deserved everything that happened. You just kept on pushing me until I had no other choice. I was satisfied with a temporary order, just to give us both time to cool off. I never expected him to make it permanent. I'm not mad at you anymore--as long as you don't start pressuring me again."

Me: "Well, it's not exactly 'permanent', but it sure feels that way to me. He gave me a two-year 'probationary period'. If I'm a good boy, the order will be lifted in 2009.

"You know, the ruling does more than just keep me away from your house. I'm not supposed to have any contact with you whatsoever--no email, text messages, or phone calls.

"That's not the worst part. I can't even pick the kids up or drop them off at your house. The order says for us to exchange them at the sheriff's office on Cook Avenue." [My attorney said that safeguard is supposed to protect me from false accusations by my XW.]

XW: "I know. See how ridiculous that is? There's no way we can go two years with those restrictions. So, you need to come on over to help [S12] with his math. He is frustrated with my efforts and won't listen to me anymore. You do know that he is barely passing that class, don't you?"

Me: "But [XW], I'm still not comfortable about being there right now. Even if you wouldn't call the police on me, what about Susan [her man-hating neighbor who offered to testify against me, although she never witnessed anything]? She could see my car, and call the police herself."

XW: "She's out of town. Besides, she won't call the police on you. She already apologized to [D17]. She doesn't hate you; she was only trying to help me." [The night of my emotional "meltdown" in my XW's bedroom.]

"Has [D17] called you yet about her paper? She needs your help with a speech and research paper, due tomorrow. You may as well come over now, so you'll have enough time to help the kids before their bedtime."

...

Well, you get the gist. I finally relented, drove the 20 miles to my XW's house, and knocked on the front door. XW opened the door nonchalantly, as if I were returning from a quick trip to Wal-Mart, instead of a month of solitary confinement. She even told me that I didn't have to knock, since that just sets "Jack" (our Jack Russell terrier) off on a long barking spree.

After showing me the math problems that I needed to explain to our son, she disappeared upstairs. About 20 minutes later, I heard my XW call my name from her closed bedroom. I ignored this at first. On the third call, I sent my daughter to find out what Mom wanted. She came back to say that Mom wanted to talk to me in her room.

I don't need you guys to tell me that I was playing with fire when I finally went to her room. XW asked me to "fix" the digital video recorder on the TV in her room. While I made the minor adjustment she had requested, she disappeared into the bathroom. When I heard water running in the tub, I headed back to the dining room "homework table" with S12.

Maybe 10 minutes passed when my wife calls my name again. I walked up the stairs, but remained in the hallway outside the closed bathroom door...

Me: "OK, I'm here. What do you need?"

XW: "Come in here a minute; I need to talk to you."

Me: "I can hear you alright from here. What do you want, a towel?"

XW: "No. I want you to sit down in here, while I tell you something about [S12]. You really need to be aware of some trouble he has been getting into at school."

Me: "OK, but can't this wait until you get out?"

XW: "Just get in here! It will only take a minute."

I sighed, counted to 5, then opened the door. XW was in the tub, but the sliding glass door was closed. The room was dense with steam.

Me: "OK, I'm here. What do you need to tell me?"

XW slid back the shower door. She was completely submerged, except her face. Not even any bubble suds for cover. She opened her eyes after rinsing her hair. When she saw me, timidly leaning against the far wall, she suddenly started laughing.

XW: "What are you doing way over there? Sit down here a minute [on the commode] while I talk to you."

Me: "You think this is funny, don't you? Are you testing me to get a reaction?"

XW: "I'm just proving to you that I trust you, and that I know you really aren't a threat to hurt me."

[Despite her invitation to sit & "chat", I remained standing.]

XW: "You really are nervous, aren't you? I haven't ever seen you like this. It's kind of funny."

Me: "Just because you trust me doesn't mean that I trust me."

XW: [Laughing] "Aww, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to tempt you. You have sat there lots of times while I bathed. You never did anything before, other than sit and listen."

Me: "...well, I always did admire the view from up here."

Fortunately, my wife loves to eat crushed ice while soaking in the tub. She handed me a large, empty styrofoam cup.

XW: "Would you go get me some ice, with just a little tea, please?"

That was the excuse I needed to escape. When I returned with her ice, I set it on the floor next to the tub. I told her that [S12] was getting tired; I smiled and waved as I left, closing the door behind me.

She was right; I had often kept her company in the bathroom over the years. It had never seemed the least bit unusual for me to be there. The fact that I was uneasy about it now makes me sad. I think what I felt was either paranoia or guilt. Guilt? That could only mean that, sometime over the past month, I have come to the realization that things have changed between us. (That admission ought to represent "growth" or "detachment" for me, and be accepted as progress. So why do I feel so bad about where I stand now?)