Those pain meds give me nightmares too. I know exactly what you're talking about. Ask the doctor if you can change the medication. My dreams just got worse and worse until I stopped.
Continuing my convo w/ Confused, I'm glad she finally "got it" as did I. I believe my H did try to communicate a little bit of what he was feeling, but not really. That was his huge "short fall" in our breakdown. He did not communicate enough. He tried to "do" things to help me out, to make things easier around the house, etc. in the hopes that I would then use the supposed extra time I then had to focus solely on him. Well, not a mind reader here -- I needed him to talk to me. I'm positive that we will always talk about things now -- or at least I hope he now realizes how important that is.
I think women are "programmed" to believe that all men want is sex. We honestly don't get that it's way more than that to you guys!
As an aside, during the whole D sitch, I got first hand knowledge of the "rejection" feeling --- I would try to initiate and would hear such things as "I don't want THAT from you." I can honestly say I understand now -- and, yes, it does suck.
Last edited by RedHeadWife; 10/21/0705:10 PM.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
He did not communicate enough. He tried to "do" things to help me out, to make things easier around the house, etc. in the hopes that I would then use the supposed extra time I then had to focus solely on him. Well, not a mind reader here -- I needed him to talk to me. I'm positive that we will always talk about things now -- or at least I hope he now realizes how important that is.
We thought all women were "programmed" to be mind readers
This sounds just like our situation. Like your husband, I was doing the stuff around the house when what I should have done is communicate more (And THEN do all the stuff around the house right ?? )
I think women are "programmed" to believe that all men want is sex. We honestly don't get that it's way more than that to you guys!
See, you women need to work on that "pre-programmed mind reading" Leave the lack of communication to us
As an aside, during the whole D sitch, I got first hand knowledge of the "rejection" feeling --- I would try to initiate and would hear such things as "I don't want THAT from you." I can honestly say I understand now -- and, yes, it does suck.
Yes it sucks !! Now multiply that over and over and then you get the feeling of finally giving up pursuit. I've said it before somewhere, for awhile I gave up pursuing her because it was easier to deal with the pain of feeling alone instead of dealing with the pain of feeling alone AND the pain of rejection.
I think women are "programmed" to believe that all men want is sex. We honestly don't get that it's way more than that to you guys!
As an aside, during the whole D sitch, I got first hand knowledge of the "rejection" feeling --- I would try to initiate and would hear such things as "I don't want THAT from you." I can honestly say I understand now -- and, yes, it does suck ===============
amen sister, it must've hurt my H so much each time I rejected him, each time he'd eagerly waited for me to get to the bedroom while I sat in the kitchen w/my tea reading instead of going to him, when he'd reach over and I'd groaned a "ahhh, come on! it's so late!" , he'd even begged me some nights, I recoil thinking of those times.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Oh, girl, I know what you mean. I get sick to my stomach when at times I think of the things I did to get our M to where it was prior to the D sitch. I think the worst thing ever would have been not to have had this second chance to "make things right." Back then, I had to forgive myself for MY transgressions in my M -- I knew that if I did not forgive myself and allowed myself to beat myself up and have all sorts of regrets, that I would not be able to live w/ myself.
Journaling . . . .
I have not allowed myself to think too much about H actually coming home (some of you don't know, he's deployed for a year). Although the year is going by so very fast. He will be home for a month in December and then will be home for good in May.
I'm not *worried* about H coming home and that things could go bad again, but then again I guess I would be lying if I said that was really true (did that even make sense?).
I really think that we are going to be better than ever. I honestly just can't wait for us to actually be able to get on w/ rebuilding our lives and our M. Things were really only *ok/good* for about a month before he left and weren't really all that great at that. Things were still really uncomfortable for me, I still felt I was walking on eggshells, I didn't feel like I could bring up anything to do w/ our R/M w/o maybe changing his mind about staying so here he was leaving for a year and I still felt very insecure.
I felt more & more confident in myself as the first few months went by; I quit dwelling on the whole sitch so much, including the OW and what H may decide to do while deployed. I started to feel more comfortable talking to H about R stuff; not all the time, but felt I could ask questions I needed answered, etc.
Fast forward to my trip over there and things were great. He told me one night that he didn't want me to be afraid anymore that things weren't going to be ok w/ us. He constantly tells me how much he loves me. We had a really good time together. We held hands EVERYWHERE we went. Just really enjoyed each other.
Fast forward again to my recent surgery. He was A LOT more supportive than he had been when I had a few other hospital stays about a year 1/2 ago. At that time, I don't know if he was involved in EA yet or not, but he certainly wasn't "there" for me emotionally at all. I kind of sensed it, but looking back now, I really see it. He actually seemed CONCERNED this time about me and my well-being, etc.
The other day, I asked again if we were truly ok. He is actually here in the States attending a seminar. He won't be "stopping by" here b/c that would subtract from his time in December and it would really screw up the boys for him to be here for 2 days and then gone again. Anyway, a day or so after I got out of the hospital, I had a dream that he had cheated on me -- I guess it was subconsciously knowing he was going on a *trip* w/in his deployment and could potentially meet someone or have the opportunity to cheat on me. Anyway, I just said I had had a bad dream and it had just left me feeling a bit "disturbed." He actually sent me an email that said that he wants me to know how much he loves me and that we are wonderful and that my dreams actually haunt HIM b/c he doesn't want me to worry about us all the time.
So, I guess my sitch is going ok. It's a bit different since I'm piecing, but my H is not even here and hasn't been since pretty much the time we began piecing.
I have my ups & downs, but thankfully for the most part, WAY UPS. I am so thankful that I actually got a second chance to make my M better. Yes, H had a lot to do w/ the breakdown of our M and he was the one that cheated, etc., but I also have now been given the opportunity to figure out my shortcomings in the M and fix those. I am so glad that we actually went through our sitch, as I know now that we will have a way better M than we ever would have if it had not happened.
I know that every day will not be perfect and we will have our problems, but I hope that we have learned that we need to deal w/ them head-on and COMMUNICATE w/ each other. I hope that H has learned, as well as I have, that marriage takes work and effort, it doesn't necessarily just come naturally.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I think the main reason I'm *thinking* about things these last few days is (1) since my surgery, I'm obviously a bit slowed down and (2) like I said, H is on a side trip and it kind of reminds me of one of his "shenanigans" (as he calls them).
He had been deployed when our first son was about 2 or so. He was w/ a group and they went out partying, etc. There was this woman who worked at the hotel they were staying at. She knew he was married & had a son. She ended up using her master key to the hotel & went into his room after he had gone back to the hotel all tanked up.
I guess knowing he is somewhere new & different right now, meeting new people, I get paranoid that it would be a *good opportunity,* you know?
Anyway, then last night, I mentioned that S3 had been keeping my mom & I up for all hours and he said he couldn't wait to have to stay up all night w/ S3. It made me feel guilty. I don't think he was trying to make me feel guilty, but at the same time, it's like "yeah, I understand what you are saying, but how long will that last before it gets old for you too?" I didn't really say that, but it makes me kind of irritated/mad that I feel guilty b/c I know he misses the boys, but I've been doing this alone for how long now?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Hi there, our mind can run wild if we let it. H is going to his friend's home for pizza and to watch a fight, does this now and then. I wanted to ask him "and how do i know you aren't going somewhere else?" then I thought "why would I put myself in that low position? if he wants to be a fool and throw a good chance of having a good M, who's the idiot?" so I won't, I refuse to let my mind play tricks on me.
Being up all night with a little one isn't fun or easy, lack of sleep is the worst thing to deal with so I understand why you feel cranky, I hear you hon. Not long now hon! he'll be home soon, this wont' last forever))))))))))) hang in there gal, rent a movie and lay with the little ones in the bed and catch some rest.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
It's hard too, being here by myself during the day like this when I'm normally @ work. It's weird. I feel really lonely sometimes; I feel like I'm not even married some days. I just want him to be home & for us to get on w/ it.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Anyway, then last night, I mentioned that S3 had been keeping my mom & I up for all hours and he said he couldn't wait to have to stay up all night w/ S3. It made me feel guilty. I don't think he was trying to make me feel guilty, but at the same time, it's like "yeah, I understand what you are saying, but how long will that last before it gets old for you too?" I didn't really say that, but it makes me kind of irritated/mad that I feel guilty b/c I know he misses the boys, but I've been doing this alone for how long now?
RHF, I would doubt very seriously that he was trying to make you feel guilty. Almost 2 years ago, my wife and the girls had to leave and go stay with her mom. Her dad had a stroke and was/is in a nursing home and her mom had fallen and broken her hip. So my wife went there to help her mom and was gone for almost 2 months. I remember those phone calls and how much I missed my girls, the good things and the bad (up all night !) I could tell that my wife had the same guilty feelings but it was not my intentions.
I know how you get feeling though...A little different situation, but when my wife was pregnant with second daughter she ended up spending close to 4 months in the hospital with very severe hyperemethis (Spelling ???....morning sickness) She could not even keep water down without throwing it back up. Anyways, that left me to take care of our other daughter, work, take care of house, daily visits to hospital, etc.... it just really wears on you.
Hang in there kid Gives you that much more to look forward to when he comes home Home in December? and home again for good when ?
Gives you that much more to look forward to when he comes home