There and Back, # 9

[SallyM]

hey lwb! nice to see you...figured you were busy, but sweet of you to swing by quickly.

I'm in a great mood tonight. I am. I was a little ill this afternoon...the thought of seeing H for the kid exchange made me want to throw up. I was fully of anxiety over it for some reason.

we had decided to exchange at costco since i needed to shop for some stuff and he works very close to it. on the drive I started thinking about things. maybe I need a new 180...maybe this rule about don't ask me about my social life/I don't want to know about yours is not working for me so well anymore. it used to work well, it helped me distance a bit from him, helped me create some mystery around myself and all that. but I'm tired of the confrontations over it and the sulking and crap that H pulls.

I had pretty much decided to go ahead and suggest we try his way for a bit (yes, that would include me saying, "how is ow doing?" and trust me, I was ready to have some fun with it) when I thought I should give my friend a call. I did, and she pretty much nixed it for several reasons. first, I haven't done the don't ask/don't tell thing long enough (she wants at least 3 months), 2nd, its really just the same old pattern our marriage has been. I hadn't thought about it, but she was sooo right. he would balk at something, I would eventually give in and do things his way to keep the peace. that's exactly what we've always done, and exactly what I would be doing here.

so I decided not to. and then I hit myself on the head and said, I should have put that under a 48 hour rule anyway. I need to get better about things like that. anyway, glad I talked to my friend and am sticking with my plan for a while.

the kids and i shopped so I could be ready to go when H got off of work (traffic is not fun around here at rush hour). anyway, we had fun at costco, then were having fun running around the mom-mobile for a bit while we waited for him. when he showed up, I was in a great mood...laughing, having fun with the kids, bopping around to music.

he looked 1) scared of me and 2) horrible. he did...he looked pudgy, was wearing a color that does not flatter him (he thinks it does), and a shirt that makes him look fatter than he is. he looks like he has been skipping the gym, which is exactly what he has been doing for the last few months...its starting to show.

this is a huge change from last week when he looked awesome and I was so BS about it (better shirt last week, emphasized the shoulders, didn't show off the mini-gut he's starting to get).

I had more fun chatting with my friend on the way home about it...I vented to her last week about how good he looked, so this we we got to shred him for how bad he looked.

not nice, I know, but hey, it passed the time till I got home, and a little H bashing isn't always a bad thing.

anyway, i'm home for the night, going to curl up on the couch and watch a movie or read a book, haven't decided.

I feel like I'm okay again...for now. am going to be okay.