As I said, quit stalling. She knows you don't want a divorce, but she doesn't care. You aren't going to win her back by sitting on the papers and waiting for a miraculous reconciliation. You might not realize this, but you are actually still pushing her further away. I didn't fight at all...didn't even get a lawyer. We just talked it through, her lawyer wrote it up, and just like that...divorced. Reconciliation after that is kind of like starting with a clean slate....old marriage is dead and buried so you can later officially start with a brand new one (if it's going to happen). I personally would say something like, "I've thought it over. It isn't what I want, but I do want you to be happy, even if it is without me, so I'll sign the papers. I'm sorry that things came to this...I wish it could have been different." And I wouldn't say anything about, "I'll always love you", because you don't know that...and more than likely (if you don't get back together) you won't always love her. Eventually, you might not even like her.
that is what I will probably end up doing but I just do not want to give up so quick. It's like I don't even know who this person is.
that is what I will probably end up doing but I just do not want to give up so quick.
I'm writing this on your thread, but it's directed to just about everyone else that equates moving forward or moving on as "giving up". Why is it giving up? Because you have a peice of paper that says you're divorced? And how exactly is what you are doing keeping the divorce from happening anyway? I'm not saying you can't or won't be together every again. I'm just asking you to try to preserve some semblance of a healthy, adult relationship. Accept things as they currently stand and try to make the most of it. While your fighting the divorce, she's getting more irritated at you and seeing you in a pathetic light. You can let her thoughts of you be positive ones. Would you rather save the relationship with her or the marriage? Divorce can actually make it easier to develop some of the groundwork for a relationship, namely friendship, if you're willing to fill that role for awhile. Once the pressure is off, you might find that she's more available and willing to be around you.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
that is what I will probably end up doing but I just do not want to give up so quick.
I'm writing this on your thread, but it's directed to just about everyone else that equates moving forward or moving on as "giving up". Why is it giving up? Because you have a peice of paper that says you're divorced? And how exactly is what you are doing keeping the divorce from happening anyway? I'm not saying you can't or won't be together every again. I'm just asking you to try to preserve some semblance of a healthy, adult relationship. Accept things as they currently stand and try to make the most of it. While your fighting the divorce, she's getting more irritated at you and seeing you in a pathetic light. You can let her thoughts of you be positive ones. Would you rather save the relationship with her or the marriage? Divorce can actually make it easier to develop some of the groundwork for a relationship, namely friendship, if you're willing to fill that role for awhile. Once the pressure is off, you might find that she's more available and willing to be around you.
Me
Me, your're right. I'm not doing anything to help, Im making things worse. I would like to save my marriage but since that doesnt look like it's going to happen, I would still like to save our relationship. I would rather be her friend than not be in her lige at all.
In case you didn't know...I did get divorced and later remarried my ex-wife. I think our relationship is much better than it was the first time around. So my perceptions are biased and I don't consider divorce to be the end all. Who knows...if you don't drag your feet a ton she may have second thoughts.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Wow Me - I did not know you were D and then remarried. Can you give us some details on your sitch or the thread for it. I love hearing of the ones that made this work and how. It gives me hope.
I guess you could click my name and work through that stuff, but I wouldn't. It's all a story of a guy who was like all the rest of the newcomers and just stressed every little interaction as though it would make or break my chances. The little ploys and questioning what worked and what didn't. What did work was being her friend and working on my issues (which still need work...but I think we both work through things quicker and are more willing to look at our own emotions and actions rather than attributing everything that goes wrong to our partner).
Anyway, quick breakdown: Bomb: Jan 2005 (things were bad before this for awhile) Separation: Feb 2005 Divorce May 2005 Back together: January 2006
What happened in between? We spent a fair amount of time together doing things...we skated, walked the dogs, played tennis, went to movies, went to dinner. I helped her move out (and enjoyed moving her back in much more). Went to family events (her family). Ours wasn't what you see with a lot of these situations where the spouse is vindictive and angry. Mine was never like that. There were times we were better friends separated and divorced then we ever were together.
My scenario isn't a good blueprint for anyone, but I think if you can make some sort of relationship where there is no pressure to reconcile immediately, and give it time, that there could be a chance. I think that working on how you interact, communicate (I like to think I'm a better listener, but I still get defensive and we do fall occasionally into old arguing habits), and on your faults is important. I think it's been helpful to both of us to realize that we had expectations that our partner should somehow fix our emotions, when we are in control of those ourselves. It's helpful to let go of trying to control your partner and just work on controlling how you perceive things. It really is amazing how often the problem is our own co-dependency. Just because she's crabby doesn't mean I have to be or that it is about me. Anyway, that was long-winded.
Lissie, to be honest, you can help pave the way towards getting back together, but that's all. Make reconciliation an attractive proposition, but in the end it's still your spouses decision, and you can't control that.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Me - you are so correct. It sounds like you had a great chance and you took full advantage of it. I am so happy to hear that everything worked out for you the way that it did. It sounds like your whole life is better for it now too.
So last night I was really bad. I could not stop crying, so I packed up all of the pictures that were out, our wedding and honeymoon photo albums and anything else that reminded me of her and put them in a box. I did all of this before I went to counseling. About an hour before my session, guess who's called. Yep she did. I tried to calm down before answering but she could automatically tell. Then she asked me why I was crying...then here is where I made a mistake. I yelled "why do you think!!" She said that she just asked and question and then I said I was sorry for yelling at her. We talked for about half hr, she was stressed out and she needed to get out of the hotel and just wanted someone to talk to. She didnt mentation the divorce or the papers or even the R. We just talked, she sounded as if nothing was wrong. I told her that I would call her when I returned from counseling if she wanted to talk then. Well counseling went really bad, I cried throughout most of it and I really didnt feel like talking. So I told her that counseling didnt go good and I didnt want to talk. I told her that maybe we can talk tomorrow..
Me - thanks for the advise and thanks for sharing your sitch. I will not brag my feet on this. WHo knows maybe we can turn things around like you did.
