He's on Match.com

[Dom R]

She recommended I say the following to him:
"You (H) are single handedly destroying our marriage. You have two choices-you come back home and we move forward with our marriage OR you divorce me. Until you make up your mind, leave me be. I'll stay here in the house, and we will continue with the current financial agreement, but I don't want to see you."

This is basically "plan B", as you know.
And I think if you are emotionally ready for it, then that might be the appropriate thing for you.
AFTER the 3 months are up.

If you cant stick that out, then you portray yourself as someone who cannot stick to agreements.
Given that you want him to recommit to the "agreement of marriage".. which is a lifelong commitment ... I dont think it puts you as a favourable partner for such a thing, if you cant stick to one that is only 3 months.


and if his reply after the 3 months is "nope i wont commit", then I think you will feel much more solid with yourself in a decision to go for that house for yourself.

Last night, I saw the wisdom in staying put. This morning as I typed that, I thought-"great. so I stay in house that I may or may not have to move from, for an undetermined time waiting for the other shoe to fall or not."....

There is a saying on the other site, that goes along with "be a lighthouse". And that is:
"Be Still" (derived from Psalm 46).
As far as your relationship goes, anyway. and/or fussing about his activities on match.com

It's very difficult to do. I very much know the frustration of wanting to DOOOO SOMETHING!!!
yet, sometimes, being still, is the best thing.

actually, a good example of that for me personally, was last night. We were supposed to spend some time online "together", and it seemed to my paranoid mind, that she was making dramatic excuses to get out of it. I could have flamed, ranted, complained... but I chose to let it go.
My W did hear that I sounded upset about something. So when SHE asked.. I told her that I was disappointed about not getting to do stuff together that night. But that was it. I tried to "be still", and just let things happen, without pushing or pulling.
I instead just talked with her about the stuff that we "had to talk about" (with our children, etc)

There were also odd little signs, that could have made me worried that "something was going on". But I chose to ignore them, and just focus on what happened between her and I (while not PUSHING for things to happen much)


She ended up making the time to do it with me, and we had a nice time together.
If I had ranted or complained about it... either it wouldnt have happened, or it would not have been a positive thing.



Hmm.. I suppose that I should add the disclaimer that I "pushed" a little, by suggesting the activity in the first place a few days ago. There's a balance between being TOTALLY "still" and doing nothing, vs avoiding getting all frenetic about things

"you're not ready. You should be, because you *husband* is on Match.com, but you're not." I know I *should* be too.

I totally disagree on the "should be".
I leave it at that, though.

Closing though of encouragement: Go do something "to get in shape" today. maybe something you've never tried before.
For lots of reasons, not just "for you".

Feel good about it for you, because you are taking care of yourself.
Feel good about it for your husband, because you love him, and you know it will make him happier, even if he never tells you directly.
Feel good about it for your marriage, because you know you are doing "the right thing".

For me, having multiple reasons to do something, usually works better at motivation for me than if I just have a single reason.