That would be nice. Maybe we could start one?? lol It's a big enough city...
Yeah. I just haven't seen any other DBers from Arizona. I posted to the DB people and asking if they are interested in putting in a forum where local people can get in contact. No response though. Anyways, you can find my email when you click on my profile. Would love to chat over coffee or phone or whatever about what we are going through. It's nice to have support from people that are in the same sitch sometimes.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
I think I got myself worked up again, over something really very trivial.
It's amazing what silly little things can set you off.
Yesterday evening, xh was kind of grumpy. Not evil or vile or anything. Just had a weird tone in his voice, and was a little irritable. The kind of irritable that we're all entitled to.
So we had a silly fight. It was nothing, really, and I knew it. I made sure to validate, let him talk, and not argue the points with him. There was no need, and I knew it would blow over.
This morning, I was feeling kind of dumpy. I got a little upset. xh, who was still asleep, asked me what was up. At first I was vague, saying just 'remembering stuff'. Then I thought I should clarify, and corrected with 'good memories, things from back when I was in college'. I've been making an effort to be more clear and try to accept when he offers comfort. I think I still may push him away too much.
Later, when I was driving to work, I got really worked up. So I called xh. We talked, I was getting more wound up. He was confused on why now, and so was I.
It took me some time after we'd hung up to realize what had done it. It was that odd tone in his voice last night.
Not that he'd done anything wrong, just that it reminded me--just a little--of how he'd sound when in crisis mode.
xh also called me again later this morning to see how I'm doing and cheer me up. I'm making an effort to accept and thank him for his kindness. It's not something that I am inherently good at. So I made sure to send him a 'thank you' text a little while ago.
I'm not bothered that I got triggered--at least I caught it before starting another round of fighting. I do wish that I had caught on a bit sooner. Oh well. Practice...
Oh how I hate those triggers. Every time my W gets angry it totally triggers me off. She has a tendency to transfer anger from the situation to me. Like this morning when I went over to watch my D so she can take my S to fire safty day at his preschool. Well, she's running around like a chicken w/ its head cut off getting things ready. She got all bent out of shape and all of sudden she gets angry with me. I haven't done a thing.... I guess it's a lot easier for her to do that with all that pent up resentment and anger. When that happens it just makes me feel like absolute crap. I always panic when she gets mad at me. It's like I have been conditioned to do that over the many years. I get all sorts of anxiety and it is awful! I need to somehow learn that if she gets upset then oh well, she'll get over it. It's not the end of the world. It's not like I'm going to lose her....since technically I don't have her anymore....
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
It's not the end of the world. It's not like I'm going to lose her....since technically I don't have her anymore....
lol!
I think this all of the time! I suppose our interactions could be worse...but we're already divorced. I was always afraid of that, like it was the end of the world or something. The reality, however painful, was strangely anticlimactic.
A month or so ago, I noticed this stupid pattern where, when xh and I get a little closer, I suddenly 'remember' what an ass he was during my pregnancy, and go back to mean and distant. I've been making an effort to catch myself at this, and let go of the resentment.
One of the things I caught myself starting to bitch about this morning was when he suddenly decided to drive off and move 2000 miles away. Granted, he and I had both talked about moving to here for years--my objection was how he went about it, not that he did it. He just took off. Talked about it for a couple of weeks, then got in his car and drove until he was in Arizona.
I was livid.
Anyway.
This was two years ago. I am happily living in Phoenix as well now. We have discussed this in the past. He has acknowledged his approach was wrong. It's time to let it go.
Because of my whole totalled-van-means-I-have-no-car problem, I am flying to the midwest and driving back with a minivan my parents are giving me. (My parents are awesome!) MIL (can I still call her that??) asked xh if I can bring 'some stuff' on the drive out here for her. She is moving here in the next few weeks. (I foresee lots of tension between her and xh.) He got mad that she didn't just ask, but apparently assumed that I was somehow obligated to do so. I hadn't thought of it that way, but appreciate his concern. I have agreed to bring a few items, so long as it's nothing too heavy; I don't mind, I enjoy doing nice things for people I care about.
Anyway, I noticed I've been kind of grumpy with xh the last day or so. I need to work again at relaxing, and letting go. Being angry just takes too much energy.
I think that's normal. It probably gets easier as you let go of more anger over time. My soon to be xW did the same thing. At least you are realizing it and working towards correcting that. It's triggered by opening up emotionally and then fearing that you might get hurt. Like for example, 3-4 weeks ago she decided to have sex with me. It was probably the best we've ever had. Very intense and emotional. Guess what, she was having anxiety right after it. The week after she back peddled so fast it was shocking. I don't know if her asking for divorce was the repercussion of that or not.... Just gotta let go of the fear and have faith.... Otherwise you'll just be angry a lot for silly things against your xH. Like my (x)W.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
[quote]It's triggered by opening up emotionally and then fearing that you might get hurt. [/unquote]
Exactly. I complain all the time that xh does this. It's funny how I can do it, too, and not even realize it at the time.
The other thing I've noticed that drives my anger is when he has distanced himself. Usually I go off on some tirade about how he expects too much from me. Really, I haven't changed what I do or don't do...it's just that he's pulled back, I feel like I'm running on empty.
One thing I have a hard time with is making long-term friends. I'm not unfriendly...I worked through my shyness years ago...but I have a tendency to not 'follow through' with my more casual relationships.
xh knows tons of people. Actually, it can be annoying. But, what I do notice that he does, is talks to everyone. While his level of extroversion is a bit exhausting for me (I do enjoy my down time), I think I could learn from how he does it.
I do have regular playgroups that I take the baby to. And I'm trying to talk more with my neighbor. She has a little boy. I suspect she and the father are split up--there's this odd tension whenever they are both there. But I'm trying to make it a point to just say 'hi' more often. Easier said than done.
I'm also trying to make a regular thing out of a yoga class at the gym.
I did notice xh opened up a bit more the last few days. Perhaps that's why I got emotional/grumpy earlier this week. We were discussing Thanksgiving plans. He also has been talking more about me hanging out with his friends. This was a huge sticking point in the past...his secretiveness, and keeping up huge walls.
Strangely, I'm looking forward to the 26-hour cross-country drive I am undertaking this weekend. Alone. I've never done anything quite like it. Feels a lot like jumping off the high dive. I will miss the baby, though.
Okay, not really. But, wow, after being bumped from my flight, arriving late, and being stuck with driving the whole 2000 miles straight through all by myself...I have no desire to take any trips anytime soon. Bleh.
xh seems to be in a better mood than last week. He's less reserved; more affectionate yesterday and today.
I remember having some ideas that occurred to me during the drive that I wanted to explore once I got home, but the resulting sleep-deprivation has caused them to escape me.
And not that it matters, but why is there no more graphical smiley for ':P' anymore?? Did it get eaten during the BB upgrade? (Whenever that was.)
hey azhira. glad you made it back safely. bet that drive was fun :P
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Anyways, you can find my email when you click on my profile. Would love to chat over coffee or phone or whatever about what we are going through. It's nice to have support from people that are in the same sitch sometimes.