ILY's & ML...no fights..this is a strange S! Help!

[Gingersnap]

D@MMIT!!! I should not have to talk with H when I am sick!! *SCREAMS*....

H just called. He never calls from work but he did anyway. Asking me how I feel, my day, the kids, etc. Seemed in no hurry to chat with the kids. Told me he was planning on taking them the the in-laws in Tenn. for the weekend. Wanted to leave Friday night. I said "Fine, I'll have them ready." He said "Don't be like that...I'll come over and we'll have dinner together and we'll leave later. That way the kids will sleep. You have to work anyway, right?" I'm a photographer and have sessions each weekend. I told him one canceled for Sat. AM but the PM slot was still booked. I told him it would be weird for me to go, anyway, He said - gently "Just chill out, ok?". I stayed silent.

So he talks to the kids. Then he asks "Do you miss me?". Tears start falling and I blurt out "More than I feel I can let on...a lot more" *insert kicking oneself here*. He says "I miss you too. " I think I heard a shaky voice on his end too. I said "I'll just take that as an awesome sign for now". He said "Yeah, I think it is" ..then says he couldn't do this at work, but he'd come by early tomorrow.

Did I just mess up? I don't want him home just because he feels good. He has LOTS of anger and issues to work through. But I also want to make good progress. If not DB'ing I don't know what to do, kwim?

*my head hurts.*

[Dom R]

doesnt sound like you messed up at all to me.

Sounds like you are keeping a "connection" between you two alive.

Just dont make the mistake of having him move back in before you both agree on what life will be like in that situation.
Like you said, he has lots off issues to work through.
Some people have said that the worst thing that happened to themn, was having their H move back in prematurely, before they were really committed. 'cause they moved right back out again in a few months.

[nephartiti]

I have heard this too. You don't want them to come home too soon. It is a tight rope walk. It is hard to know what to do. I don't know either. I think you are supposed to accept some but not all invites, according to DR.You want to keep an open connection, but you want to leave them wanting more. Think Seinfeld. Finish on top.

[Gingersnap]

Well, since I've spoken to Mr. Hyde for the past week it's only natural that I'd hear from Dr. Jekyll soon.

H called again last night. Sweet/soft Mr Hyde voice. I was a little annoyed because I'm just not feeling it right now and it was 11:15pm. So I kept it brief and said goodnight.

H calls again this morning. But his voice is higher pitched, words are shorter and clipped (this is a giveaway that I'm about to hear from Jekyll). He asks if he told me about busting some drug dealer with a fake Rx? Yes, he had told me ...a few times. I listen to the story again. The alien spew starts....the name calling on what a lousy piece of crap this scumbag is and he deserves to rot in jail, then anger towards anyone else who looked at him wrong the previous day spews forth. He then reminds me how I had that *racist expletive* who gave me a hard time a few weeks back...doesn't that just make me mad? I do "more of the same" and tell him I try not to let people who mistreat me get too deep under my skin. I try to forgive and move on. H abruptly ends convo...I happily hang up.

At times like these the line between the WAS and the LBS are really blurred. I can't stand his anger. I don't want it in my life. It's unreasonable...cold...mean. I can't identify with it because my life is so absurdly blessed I have nothing I can complain about. Little 10 yr. old AIDS orphans in Africa who are raising 3 other siblings the best they can have much more cause to complain.

It's completely like there are 2 distinct H's. I miss the *normal* one. The other one makes me want to turn and run and never look back. If I knew Jekyll would win out I would already file...without a doubt. It's that extreme. Because Jekyll gets mad when I don't join him in his Mighty Hatred of the World and All Things In It.

And he comes over today. Lovely.

I'll try to keep my 'tude in check.

[Dom R]

Well, since I've spoken to Mr. Hyde for the past week it's only natural that I'd hear from Dr. Jekyll soon.
[...]
H calls again this morning. But his voice is higher pitched, words are shorter and clipped (this is a giveaway that I'm about to hear from Jekyll). He asks if he told me about busting some drug dealer with a fake Rx? Yes, he had told me ...a few times. I listen to the story again. The alien spew starts....the name calling on what a lousy piece of crap this scumbag is and he deserves to rot in jail,

Ginger... your post left me a bit confused, for most of it.

When people use terms like "alien spew" around here, and other similar forums... they usually are referring to strange utterances that come out of their spouse's mouth, that are seemingly from a different person. Things like, "I never loved you", or "I hate [thing about you that I liked before]", etc.
Generally speaking, things that show hatred towards the LBS that they previously loved.

Whereas, correct me if I'm wrong, but... the only thing that seemed to be coming out of your husband's mouth, was anger and hatred towards OTHER PEOPLE.

I understand that you dont "like" this side of your H, and it doesnt particularly make you attracted to him... but nor does it sound like he is particularly attacking you, or complaining about you.
So.. umm... i'm not sure really what you have to complain about :-P

Are you somehow bent on "getting your husband to change his personality"? 'cause... that isnt really something that is usually encouraged (or even generally viewed as possible) on marriage support boards.

[Gingersnap]

I call it alien spew because my H wasn't at all an angry man up until about a year ago...the exact "seemingly from a different person" that you talk about. And the only reason it's not directed at me is because he's left the house and has much less contact with me. I flinch when he starts his rants because it usually turns into a "it's all your fault I'm this angry..." I don't want to change his personality at all, he's done that himself. This angry side of him was extremely disrespectful to me when he was home. I was all but ignored except for cutting remarks or exasperated sighs when I tired to talk to him. I was insignificant and clearly a thorn in his side. I take ownership in enabling his behavior by tiptoeing around him and essentially becoming a doormat. But that part of me is done and on the way to healing.

I am glad, in a way, that he is still on his tirades now that he is gone. It's my hope he will see that I'm not the cause of his anger, that he will take ownership of it and get help.

[nephartiti]

Hi Ginger, I hope you're feeling better from that rotten stomach flu. I agree with Dom that you can not change how your H handles anger. All you can do is change how you react and deal with it. Try a different approach instead of "more of the same". Although your response is completely logical, it is still a cheeseless tunnel if you don't get a positive response. He may take your response as "holier than thou" or condescending.
Maybe you could try validating his feelings by saying something like "Wow, I can see this is really upsetting you." After a few interactions of just validating and listening, maybe you can through something out to make him think like, "What is it about these situations or people that really get to you?" Sounds like he just needed to vent, but maybe you are not comfortable being that venue for him?

Have a good day. Take care.

[Dom R]

I am glad, in a way, that he is still on his tirades now that he is gone. It's my hope he will see that I'm not the cause of his anger, that he will take ownership of it and get help.

I hope so too.

I also hope, that you will be able to let go of his past behaviour, to be able to better recognize positives in his current behaviour.

To me, his call to you was a positive thing in the overall scheme of things, but seems like you have internally marked it down as all negative.

[Gingersnap]

Thanks for the support, Neph. Yes, I need to find a way to react to the anger differently. I tend to just shut down when he starts that and I know it's not working. Must be some sort of a defense mechanism for me.

Dom, yes, I take this latest convo as negative. I don't see a positive in him calling me to yell about life in general. I could do without that. And from what I've read about boundaries it's up to me to put a stop to it. No, right now we are not healthy as a couple. I can't be his enabler or punching bag. This has been a long year of rants, irritability and depressed behavior. So in my view stroking that part of him is enabling. I'm not sure what the right answer is.

H just called again to say he's off for a nap and will be around later. He's clueless that the earlier convo even bugged me...so I don't think he was affected one way or another. I can, at least, see that possibly being overworked and very tired has contributed to this latest bought of anger. I will say that it has seemed to be easing up a little since the S. With a conflict avoider it's difficult to tell if real progress is being made or if they are pretending things are better.

Ok Dom...lemme have it. I'm tired today and could use an encouraging word, though. Gotta tell ya.

[nephartiti]

Hang in there, Ginger. You seem to have an H who wants to keep a connection with you. This is a good thing. Many of us are trying to just establish communication. It sounds like you both have things to work on. Heck, we all do. Take some time for yourself. Really tae some time to write down what the real issues are for you. Choose your battles wisely. Sometimes it' better to just let some things go (like you told your H when he was ranting).

How are you doing with GAL? You don't have to be there every time H comes over. Setting boundaries also means you can ask him to reschedule if you can't handle interaction with him when he wants to come. You don't have to answer the phone either. You can return his calls when you are ready.

(((HUGS)))