I think that's what everyone wants. GP is a pretty mature, life-experience-mediated kind of Type 4. GP actually reminds me of LP quite a bit. Actually, my relationship with him has quite a few elements in common with LP's relationship with her Type 7 BF. GP discovered self-help/therapy rather late in life but he is pretty much sold on it now ( Something very "Sopranos"-like going on there). Our relationship is kind of odd because it's like we have the real relationship and then the meta-relationship. We'll get together in person on Friday and then on Saturday we'll spend two hours discussing how well things went on Friday and why they went well and how we can keep them going well in the future. GP is the one who initiates these discussions though obviously I'm not loath to discuss such things in my babbling manner. For instance, GP has a great talent for putting me into bunny mode. He'll behave in a manner that will make me blush and then he'll say something like "Awww..now you got that schoolgirl thing going on." Then the next day on the phone we'll discuss why I react to him in a "schoolgirl" manner and why he purposefully behaves in a manner to make me react like that because he finds it attractive. GP's catch phrase is that he wants "a relationship that is hard at work, not one in which he has to work hard."
My point is that there is a way of regarding a sexual/romantic relationship as a sort of cooperative venture to keep a positive volley of interactions going between two people. A relationship has to be fun or playful if it is going to be successful but you don't want to be playing against each other. One seriously good point that GP has made is that the sexual/romantic volley should be continuous and there is no point at which the game is over and somebody wins and somebody loses or the ultimate goal has been obtained. He would say that when we get together each bead on the chain of our interaction should be viewed as equally important and positive so that you can't really say when you reach the end of the chain. He regards sex as very important but meaningless outside of the context of our other interactions (The hilarious thing is that he naturally uses phrases like "If I wanted that I could hire a $2 crack whore." when expounding on his relationship theories- lol) so he's very relaxing for me to be around sexually because his sexual/romantic philosophy is kind of like he is in favor of spending the whole day having a meal of many little courses none of which stands out as being most important. He thoroughly believes that sharing popcorn at the movie is as important as sharing a simultaneous orgasm which is as important as joking around in the shower afterwards which is as important as talking about the interaction the next day on the phone. So being around him chills out my HD because it's like he's signaling me "You don't have to worry about the meat course, baby. It will always come around when you're with me so just sit back and relax now and enjoy your appetizer. Now, wasn't that a wonderful soup course we shared yesterday?"
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
That is exactly what I am going for. I just talked about this with my H, who feels compelled to go for the sex. I actually said to him to not gorge out on one interaction...instead, let's spread the teasing/romance stuff throughout the day. He came home for lunch...we did a little fondling stuff as we talked in the den about our latest housing project...and we left it like that. I have to go out tonite and when I come back we are going to sit around this little fire pit on the deck, and have a snack. It just feels so at ease right now. There's no starvation. Before this, there was this undefined tension to get the sex in...this shift really is something new, like this week new.
Oh and I agree with MrsCac...we may all be 4's, but we are unlike your 2bx in personality. During the sexual anorexia era, I was never mean or rude to my H. My H would agree. Too illustrate, I had this convo with my H about that book I'm reading, Eat, Pray, Love ( which you MUST read). There's this discussion about how every person and every city can be defined by one word ( the author wants to find her word). So I asked my H what he thought my word was, and he said, "Sweet." I don't think that's your 2bx's word.
Before this, there was this undefined tension to get the sex in...this shift really is something new, like this week new.
I really get this... you can flirt and tease but if there isn't some "real sex" somewhere in there, it's as if the flirting and teasing "didn't count." Like basketball or golf-- running & jumping, passing, walking in the sun, hitting great drives, but if the ball doesn't go in the hole, it doesn't really matter.
I like the attitude that GP expresses, and ironically, it's only effective if there IS some real sex somewhere down the line, but you can't focus ONLY on the real sex. You need to enjoy the journey [ ] as well as the arrival at the destination, BUT you do need to know that there will eventually BE a destination. Does this make sense?
You've got to get the tension just right. Too little and there's no enthusiasm in the encounter. Too much and it spills over into frustration and then anger and then sometime after that the walls start going up.
A week or so ago I smiled at her and she said "You're barking up the wrong tree!". I kept smiling and said "Is that all you ever think about - not having sex?" and walked away. Around the same day I tried to embrace her, and she wasn't having any of it, so I said "Oh, I get it, you only touch me when you want something!" She laughed, said "yeah, pretty much", and then hugged me. After a couple more days of simmering, it was time for the main course.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Personally, when I'm feeling "starved", it's this stuff I *really* am missing ... the sizzle, not so much the steak, ironically.
If I had to choose between (a) sex once a week but with lots of fondling and cuddling and sexual tease and mutual admiration during the balance of the week or (b) sex four times a week with none of the aforementioned extras, I would hands down, no question choose (a).
This proved to be incredibly difficult to explain satisfactorily to S., at least as far as producing meaningful change went. He seemed to be functioning very much in "on or off" mode in which "On" = "chemically horny/ready to have sex" and "Off" = "not a sexual thought percolating around in his mind". Which naturally resulted in an arid wasteland as far as sexual tension between times went, which greatly contributed to my frustration and (I think) a tendency to "go straight for the sex act" -- more often than I even personally wanted, in retrospect -- because it was the only way I could explore the display, or I suppose I should say "interplay" of my *sexuality*.
I'm curious as to whether anyone else has had this experience with the ON/OFF approach in their partner's sexuality?
Like RJ and Lillie said, all this teasing anticipatory vibe works SO much better when you have emotionally gotten the memo that this IS going to last for awhile, meals will be regular and you no longer feel the need to attack like a starving bear at a pancake breakfast.......
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I'm curious as to whether anyone else has had this experience with the ON/OFF approach in their partner's sexuality?
Like RJ and Lillie said, all this teasing anticipatory vibe works SO much better when you have emotionally gotten the memo that this IS going to last for awhile, meals will be regular and you no longer feel the need to attack like a starving bear at a pancake breakfast.......
Yes, and most of the time it was the OFF approach with the wife.
With us, even with the teasing, it was still somewhat ON/OFF. It wasn't until I made a good honest effort to become more emotionally in tune with all the other non-sexual aspects of our relationship, that has led the teasing to take on a life of it's own. Now instead of ON/OFF, it's more like a dimmer switch
Son of a gun...pancakes !!! It's almost 11:00 PM and now I've got the cravings for pancakes --- off to the kitchen I go
Lil hitting great drives, but if the ball doesn't go in the hole, it doesn't really matter. I visualize a seeing flag (golf) from afar, hitting a ball to the green, only to discover the green has no hole or is flooded, none of which was visible from the tee-off place.
BUT you do need to know that there will eventually BE a destination. Does this make sense? Yes, it does.
BUT you do need to know that there will eventually BE a destination. Does this make sense?
Absolutely true, especially for someone like me who lived through a long period of biscuit-hoarding famine. In my current sich, I KNOW that GP is strongly sexually attracted to me (because he says stuff like "I am strongly sexually attracted to you.")so it's cool with me if he wants to play me bunny 'cause I like that too. All I have to do is play him a teeny bit monkey to get an obvious sexual reaction. I would say that with him, it's not that he has an on/off switch but more like a serious "point of no return" -kind of like the Hulk-it's interesting to me that he actually looks bigger with his clothes off too. GP can be quite non-sexually monkey but he doesn't have much sexual monkey so I would say most of our sexual interactions so far have been along the lines of he plays me bunny until I feel like playing him monkey until I push him over the line like a monkey teasing a panther and I find my bunkey-*ss being dragged down a hallway on semi-tiptoe and I have about 30 seconds to rise to lioness because there is no way in h*ll my monkey can take his panther. I should note that he does give me fair warning like he'll say "If you do that again, I am going to have to take you." and then maybe my monkey pauses reflectively for about 10 seconds and then, of course, she goes ahead and does it again (sigh).
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I kept smiling and said "Is that all you ever think about - not having sex?" and walked away.
This is a GREAT line!
Originally Posted By: Mojo
I should note that he does give me fair warning like he'll say "If you do that again, I am going to have to take you."
This reminds me of something my best lover used to say. While we were resting from round one, I'd start fooling around again after a bit, and he'd say, "If you can make it hard again, I might use it on you." (There was no might about it.)
] as well as the arrival at the destination, BUT you do need to know that there will eventually BE a destination. Does this make sense?
