My marriage is hopeless VI I

[faithisbelieving]

Scott..long time no see. How are you?

Scott..in response to the who is at fault question. I have looked at this myself and it is a difficult question to respond to..especially on this board. We are tainted by 'being ourselves' while looking at this question. Pointing fingers is probably a method of 'denial', a way to try and ease our pain by heaping more fault on our spouses.

Honestly tho', I think the real issue is that, because of some of OUR issues, we probably selected people who were due to 'break' at some point. Perhaps, we should take 100% of the blame for choosing the wrong person to marry? I've read all the comments about human imperfection, hurting the one you love, etc, but, is there really an excuse for lying, having an affair, lack of committment to a promise to stay 'for better or worse'? Did we fail to see that the person we married lacked the inner character to express the trait of integrity? Not sure there. There is no doubt that most of us here gave our spouses a little shove down the stairs, but, did we fail to see warning signs before be signed that marriage license?

When we get bombed we all tend to blame ourselves:

• what did I do wrong?
• this must be all my fault
• shoulda, woulda, coulda

The real focus is WHY? Why did our marriages fail? I think too much focus is on WHO IS TO BLAME. I think we need to sort out what brought us together:
-why did we fall in love with our S?
-what were the attraction buttons?
-were they healthy?
-if healthy, where did we cause harm? was it faulty programming from our childhood?
-did we just grow in different directions
-etc
The final result is that we should choose to abandon fault, guilt and resentment. Focus on growth and change and learn how to cope with the loss of our beloved spouse...grieve..and move on if reconciliation is not possible.

I hope I can walk the talk.....my W retained yesterday.

Stay strong Scott...stay strong.
FIB