The encouragement and advice is much appreciated, thanks a lot. Woke up feeling better having gotten a decent nights sleep (that's a small miracle in itself) but still have no idea what's going on or how I'm going to speak to her this week. Oh well, I've trusted God most of the way through this, I guess I have to trust a while longer. It'll work out somehow.
The painful thing is that I didn't want to talk R last night, she brought it up. She said I'd sounded off the past two days and wanted to talk about it because she wanted to see the good and bad parts of me to make sure we're making progress. So I figured this was a good time to come clean about some of the issues I've had with what she says and how she says them. Told her my LL is words of affirmation and her talking about her life and her future in a way that doesn't include me, that makes it very clear I'm not part of it, hurts. Especially after being intimate and hearing ILY and her refering to herself as my wife and all that. That's where all the stuff she started spewing out came from. I opened up, showed her some vulnerability and she kicked me in the nuts for it. No, she told me I didn't have the right to feel hurt, that we were so very far from being at a place where we start taking each other into account. She broke my trust although I don't think she'd ever see it that way and it's going to be a bit before I feel comfortable talking to her about anything important again.
I feel like a dog who gets kicked everytime it goes to eat some food. I know the kick might come and it hurts every time but I'm too hungry not to go for it.
