Only answer again when you're in a noisy restaurant or bar, with lots of people noises in the background!
Sadly predictable, isn't it? Dana lets go of the rope, divorces her H, and now he's stalking around her and her new guy. Your H tells you he never loved you and wants to be free - but the second you go away and start making moves towards a new life, he's calling you and checking up on you.
For newbies out there, this is why it sometimes is a good idea to give the WAS a taste of what this will be like BEFORE you're completely done with them. (Nikki did that, btw, with a previous trip that led to initial reconciliation).
I think that if Nikki's H decides that maybe he's wrong again, that she should wait it out much longer than before.
And, it just goes to show that the WAS really DOES have feelings for us, and definitely did before. They are just REALLY SCREWED UP!!!
and along with what you said Ellie, giving them a piece of their own medicine before giving up entirely... That's really what DBing is all about. maybe you don't go on a trip somewhere or live somewhere else, but you stop chasing them, stop letting them be the focus of your life, and start paying attention to yourself. Of course there are extremes to how far you take it. I think Nikki going on the vaca just shows what she needs to do more of, since H was happy and he called her. I think we really need to be at a place where we don't care if they come back or not before it can really work out. maybe not, but I really think I was at that point before my H and I reconciled.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
jak Agreed.. I also think he was freaked about me re-arranging the room, maybe. I know he thinks I'm finding a place to live this week. Me "nesting" at our house is not part of the plan.
f21 Thanks! Loving this trip. It's funny how much I love road trips - I kinda realized it last year when H and I went on one, and even more when I met with you and the other ladies in San Diego. This is my first one totally on my own and I'm having a blast.
OT I know, I know... the funny part was as I hit the answer button I was thinking "darn it they'd all be telling me not to answer!!" I think I did ok though.
ST I am amazed how many wineries are around here. I was trying to describe the ones I've visited to some locals tonight and they guessed probably 20 wrong ones and never did get it! I think there are 300+. So some may have a murder mystery thing but I haven't found them yet. That sounds really fun!! I know there's a train that goes through the valley and has that but I keep missing the times.
I would love to make this a regular thing! In fact I think I'm obligated to some of the locals... more on that in a sec.
I have some friends who love wine tasting and would join me in a heart beat. In fact my new friend up the street is jealous I'm here right now, but she couldn't get any time off work to join me.
Ellie Too bad H didn't call tonight, would've heard the locals all begging me to stay for the weekend.. . Although I probably wouldn't have heard the phone over all the talking / laughing. It is both predictable and sad, that's for sure.
For good or bad I've had so much fun on this trip and felt SO good away from H that I'm <this> much closer to totally done.
You are so sweet, thanks! I am loving this trip.
Another quick update...
Can I just say, I am in love with this town!! Can I please please please win the Lotto and just move here?
I have thought about H, twice, but have not missed him. It feels weird. It feels GOOD not to miss him. It feels weird to be happier without him.
I have also not read a single word of the self-help books I brought. I'm having too much fun. Doesn't mean I'm making great strides in introspection or anything but honestly? I don't care right now. I'm having FUN, I'm laughing, I'm enjoying being me... that's enough for now. It's nice not to analyze it and just enjoy it.
This morning I got ready very lazily and finally wandered over to the "continental" breakfast at my hotel. Expecting maybe a pastry and some juice, but it was actually very good. And everyone in there said good morning to me, asked about my plans for the day (and I reciprocated). Most places just aren't like this, everyone keeps to themselves, etc... this place is just so friendly!!
I decided to head up to Calistoga, wanted to see the Petrified Forest and the Old Faithful geyser (apparently it's one of 3 to have that name, although the Yellowstone one is more famous). I had such a good time. On the way I saw a little turn off sign that said "Castle de (something or other, I forget the name)". I thought "Castle?? That sounds kinda cool" - so made a U-turn and drove up a long steep hill to find - yep - a castle!! It's a relatively new winery that's built to look like an old fashioned castle. It was a bit cheesy but also fun to visit and walk through.
The petrified forest wasn't that exciting... a lot of rocks in the shape of trees. The science behind it is cool, it just wasn't my thing really. But, .5 mile hike through the forest so I enjoyed that part of it. The solitude was nice, too.
Then off to the Geyser. It was so cool!! They also have a bunch of different animals around there that you can buy pellets for and feed them. Might sound "kiddie" but I LOVE doing that. I got to see some Fainting Goats, then fed a llama, two really neat sheep, and a whole bunch of goats. Again know it sounds kinda kid-like but it made me happy and almost giddy. And the funniest part was, I ran into this older lady there who had several kids and grandkids in tow. The kids/grandkids were all bored to death, but she was happily feeding the animals right with me. She reminded me of myself, just 30 or so years older - we had fun bonding and feeding the goats. She didn't have any quarters so I gave her one and she was SO excited to be able to get some food.
While feeding the critters the geyser kind of "spit" water a few times and I thought "Well ok.. wasn't really worth the $$ to get in but that was kinda neat." Then it finally REALLY went off and it was so impressive!! Huge sprays of water up into the air, you could even feel a bit of heat from it. It went on for a long time, too. Very neat!! I got some video so hopefully I can find a way to post it somewhere.
On the way back to Sonoma I had an odd moment when I drove past something that H and I drove past last year - probably at this same time. I had forgotten that our 5 year anniversary road trip came through this part of the state (only spent maybe an hour, but I'd forgotten about it). What was odd is that it made me sad for him... not for "us" so much, not really panicky or sad about the M... sad for him, that he's missing out on someone who enjoys this kinda thing so much.
Went to Sterling winery as I was told it's a "must" - sure was! There was a tram / sky ride kind of thing up over the valley to a self guided tour and tasting room. The wine was so-so but the tram ride was amazing! Especially with all the fall colors.
After that headed back to Sonoma. On the way I saw a sign that said "Oakville grade, NO TRUCKS." I thought... "No trucks? Sounds like a fun road!" So off I went... WOW it was insane. Super steep, twisty, and absolutely gorgeous. Grape vines, fall colors, oak trees... just beautiful. Even saw a family of deer.
Tonight I went back to downtown Sonoma. Planned to go to a different restaurant but I just loved the one from last night so much... I read some menus at other places, and ended up going back to the first place. It was PACKED tonight, unlike last night. I grabbed a glass of wine and sat in the waiting area for well over an hour.. went back towards the bar area and waited forever... and then this guy started talking to me. Asking me where I was from and such.. we got talking and he suddenly jumped up and said "I'm too much of a gentleman to make a lady stand AND go hungry, take my seat!" Really sweet guy. He and his wife own a spa in the downtown area.
The bartender remembered me and acted like I was his best buddy, gave me a huge hug and welcomed me back. Said "you're here twice? You're a local now!" But this place really IS mostly locals. For some reason I just fit in. Other people would come in and you could see they looked uncomfortable and left... I didn't, I felt comfortable right away. As people came in and I got introduced they'd ask me how I knew so-and-so and I'd say "Oh I ran into him/her tonight" - they were always surprised that I was from out of town! Kinda neat.
After the spa guy left I got talking to the guy on the other side of me. Very unassuming older guy, had a lot of neat stories about recent missionary trips to different countries. We got to talking a bit more and I realized finally who he was - he's the founder of this very famous food company around Northern CA (maybe further out too, dunno??, they are known for higher-end olives, pepperocinis, etc.). At one point he said "Sometimes it's not the money, it's the good you do in life, that's why I never expanded my house - I'd rather build a home for someone who has nothing." It sounds cheesy here but this guy was so sincere, it was really neat talking to him. I mentioned him to someone else in the bar after he'd left and he said "Oh yeah, that guy's the most down to earth, unassuming multi-millionaire or billionaire you'll ever meet!" Somehow I like his olives even more now.. .
Got talking to yet more locals later on... ended up with about 10 business cards and people telling me I just "have to" stay tomorrow night, there's a great band playing on the plaza and besides, they want to hang out with me again. I have to promise to come back for X Y Z different events... all the way through next spring! It was really cool. And only one was a guy kinda picking up on me, the others were women, couples, an older guy who's a DJ in the area and writes the town paper, heck even the mayor came by for awhile! It was so much fun.
Everyone thought it was so cool that I'm just on a "whim" road trip right now. One asked an interesting question. I said "I wish I could afford to live here, I love it!" And he said "OK - so let's say you have unlimited money - what would you be doing? What would make your dreams come true?" I stared at him for a minute and said "You know what? I don't know." He said "Figure that out. That's what you need to know." Interesting eh??
At bar closing time... bartender came out and gave me another hug, DJ/writer hugged me also and said "You better come tomorrow night, the band's gonna be great!" I told him the bar it was at looked a little sketchy to me and he said "Oh call me first! My wife and I will meet you and we can go together."
I had talked with several people about heading towards the coast tomorrow and they said it's supposed to be rainy/gray and I should just stay here and hang out w/them. I thought that was cool. And I could easily spend another day here, I STILL missed half the stuff I wanted to see. My current motel is full tomorrow night but I have several possiblities lined up now thanks to everyone I met (even some invites to stay at peoples houses but don't know them well enough for that).
So not sure what's up tomorrow just yet. And I'm pretty glad for that fact!
I realize some of this is just escape from reality time, but I'm sure enjoying the escape.
haha did I say brief update? I meant to make it brief... sorta using this as my travel journal as well I guess.
Thanks again all.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Oh I nearly forgot this.. the other couple times I thought about H.
One was at the last winery. A lot of places they'd ask "Oh, just you?" or "How many in your party? Ohhhh... only one?" It kinda sucked. I'm sure it was unintentional but I have vowed never to do that if I'm in that type of job! Most places weren't THAT bad but the last one I went to was. At most places you stand around at a bar but at this place they seat you and bring you the wine. So I'm sitting at a table by myself in this romantic winery with a bunch of snuggly couples, overlooking beautiful scenery... trying to enjoy it but y'know, it's hard not to have someone to enjoy it with. One of the servers/waiters walked over to me and said (quietly but looking at me really intently) "I think that's so great that you're here by yourself. You're out there and doing it and not just moping at home.. that's great... that's sexy!" [he had NO knowledge of my sitch other than I was at the winery by myself, so that was pretty out of the blue]. It instantly switched my mood from "Ohhh I hope no one notices me here by myself" to "Ohhh yeah I am a strong independent woman and don't you forget it!!"
Later in the night at the "locals" place I got talking a bit about racing and one guy in particular was really into motorcycle racing, was impressed that I knew the local tracks - he said "You're the only girl I've ever talked with about the 'Corkscrew' who actually knows what I mean!" So he asked how I knew about it, I mentioned I ride with H... only time I mentioned H much. For the rest of the night it seemed like when I met new people the "intro" would start "Hey [name] this is Nikki - she's visiting. It's so cool, she's traveling by herself, her H 'lets' her just go for the week and not even check in!"
The DJ/writer guy (older and probably wiser) looked at me skeptically and said "Really?? That's kind of strange, my W would never have that." I said "Well, we're not really getting along well right now, so I'm enjoying the break and..." (the rest was going to be "he probably is too").
The guy grabbed my hand and stopped me and said "Good job! He's acting like a jacka... I mean... jerk, don't let him treat you like that!" ha... thought that was funny. A couple other times he mentioned it about me being "too strong" to put up with bad treatment... I didn't really reply but must've looked uncomfortable and he said "I'm sorry! No more talk about your H unless you bring it up." and changed the subject. Not sure if he was just an extra perceptive person or it's that obvious, but thought it was interesting since he had SO little knowledge of any details.
Overall it felt so good. Some part of me feels a bit weak or escapist for this little trip, but those couple of things made me think about it a bit differently.
I've found in the past people tell me I'm being "so strong" when I feel the weakest.. and I look back on it and see their point.. so hope I'm tapping into something I don't even know I have, right now.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Nikki, you amaze me. You're putting yourself out there, meeting new people, going to new places. Doing things for you. Enjoy the rest of your getaway. And it is not an escape. It is a retreat.
Me: 41 H: 42 Married: 13Y, together 24 Kids: S11, S9, D6 Bomb: 7/11/06, now piecing
Nik, I'm so happy for you. I honestly think this is awesome for you! You're proving to yourself (and H) that you will be fine by yourself if need be. I think this is great for your confidence and overall well-being.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
yes, you are very strong. would you have done all this last year??? I'm thinking no. you have grown so much in the last year. don't discredit yourself!
hey, maybe if my business goes well, I'll be able to take that road trip with you by next year!!!! I would love it!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
darn, no post yet...I was anxious to hear more of your exciting trip!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
. Although I probably wouldn't have heard the phone over all the talking / laughing. It is both predictable and sad, that's for sure. 
Doesn't mean I'm making great strides in introspection or anything but honestly? I don't care right now. I'm having FUN, I'm laughing, I'm enjoying being me... that's enough for now. It's nice not to analyze it and just enjoy it.