another bomb is dropped

[Jen_Jam]

Oh Dear. Your W does sound unhappy, but the bit where she said you interfere with her energy set alarm bells for me - it looks like she is basing her happiness and unhapiness on external factors (in this case, you) and I feel sorry for her cos it sounds like she might be runnign from herself. I don't know, i am guessing a bit as I don't know the whole story.

OK - I hope this will provide some confort but I got bombed twice. My H moved out in Sept 2005, moved back in the November 2005, but dropped the second bomb March 2006. The things he was saying during the 2nd bomb:
"my feelings have gone, there is nothing I can do to bring them back"
"I can't stay married to you"
"I don't want to say everything's fine when it's not"
We got on very well as friends, so he had this idea we'd split up but stay friends, hang out with the same people and it would all be hunky dory.

it was after the 2nd bomb that i found this site, and I DB'd like mad. Before that, i had being doing similar. I remember the second bomb. After the first I cried, begged etc, but after the 2nd I was strangely calm. Yes it was tough yes it was extremely hard but eventually H wanted to work on our M again and now he is here, I'm getting ILY's and our M is strong.

My H's problem? Well ... I was bad in our M before the bomb, but I did all in my power to fixx me. I got discouraged when i'd changed but H was still in alien mode. He had to come through his unhappiness himself. He says it might have happened whatever, yes I was guilty of a lot of bad things in our M (I was over-controlling, mean and sarcastic, played the victim a lot) but once I'd fixed those there were still things H had to come through which were utterly outside of my control.

Your W could be the same. She's unhappy and she's looking for a reason for her unhappiness. You happen to be close by so you'll do as the target. All I can suggest is carry on being her friend, but don't agree to anything (like moving out) just yet. Phrases which seemed to help me when I said them to H:
"Let's wait and see, let's take things slowly"
"We're not trying to hurt each other, we are still friends"
And I didn't argue with anything he said - like when he said he had no feelings and couldn't bring them back - i knew different but I kept my mouth shut. Or when he talked of the future when we were D;d... I just wanted to scream "this is not what I want, you are being so mean" but I kept quiet. Hard on me? Yes... but I had this place to come to. I looked after myself, gathered about my friends, tried to remember that I wasn't a bad person, eventually i felt if H was going to give up on me then HE was the one missing out.

So - as for when she says "you need to find your own place" I'd suggest passive resistance. Agree verbally but then do nothing about it. if she asks you for a pregress report on you finding a place be really vague ... teenagers do this sort of thing, agree to do something then do nothing. But I wouldn't argue or disagree with your W right now - the way she feels is valid, and it's her reality. I just hope she wakes up soon to see what she has here ...

Everyone on these boards is to be commended. The fact is most of us have been bombed but instead of collapsing, or playing the blame game, we have decided to put in the effort, take a step back and REALLY TRY. most people when bombed just declare war. If there were more people like us willing to put aside our egos and really try there would be less D about.

Good look, sorry to hear of your second bomb, and keep posting!