Alone

[BryanS]

I guess what I want someone to say right now is that it will be alright. That these things will stop soon and life will start to get better again. I need someone to care about me and recognise my pain.

Things will be alright, the pain will go away one way or another, your life will resume and you will be happy.

All true, BUT (big caveat here) there are degrees to all of this and what you're faced with now are the questions how OK do you want things to be, how happy do you want to be? Cause you can get there from here with little work but it'll take longer and may not be as satisfying in the end. Or, you can work on yourself, take an active role in the creation of your life and the banishment of your grief and you might like the end result more.

Like was said above, I think it's healthy to take the time to feel what you're feeling, to process it. But I don't think it's healthy to wallow in it. So, take whatever time you need to process and when you're sick and tired of feeling like that, get up and do something about it. Tells us about it when you do, we're your biggest cheerleaders. God bless.

[MaxP]

Thanks all, I have been away for a few days and out of internet range. Feeling a bit better though.

Max, I have to agree with Shell. People say what they feel at that moment. Even when they are calm. I have also said similiar things to my H repeatedly and look where I am, DBing.

The thing I find hardest is that since dropping the bomb she has shown no positive signs of improvement in her attitude to our relationship / me. That's almost six months ago. Granted it's only recently she has finally declared with certainty that it's over but she seems absolutely certain. Her phrases consist of 'I have changed', 'it (our M) no longer feels right', 'from this moment onwards our R has fundamentally changed', 'you wouldn't understand because you don't feel what I feel'. Some of these are fair enough, but others feel to me like I'm being told she doesn't like the taste of anchovies. There's no meat in that statement to decipher the reasons behind it.

The weird thing I find is that during our period of separation we have seen each other only 5 times, 4 of which have been at our house (she likes to retain control and be able to leave - she always has an appointemnt to go to). The meetings at our house are usually tense and very civil - the seat of old memories, etc. How can anyone make anything other than a negative decision about our R based on that? Of course she is going to decide that things don't feel right. We never had a chance to start again. I find it maddening, but she retains all the cards - and now it's 'over'.

I can understand that she may genuinely no longer find me attractive or love me and therefore wants to leave. What I find odd is that this has happened so quickly (over the course of 1 year) and after such a long period of apparent happiness (over nine years together). The worst bit is that she doesn't seem to want to try to do anything about it or even think about it. I'm learning that love is a choice as much as a feeling. She seems to think it's the other way round. Arrrrrrgh! Forgive me I'm venting but I find it so puzzling. We are two very different people at the moment.

Do people really wake up one day as a different person?

Right, I better sign off before this becomes my War and Peace of venting.

Max

[789]

Max, I know where you are coming from, I thought for the most part my wife was happy with our marriage for 10 years and then, at least in my eyes "Boom" she tells me she wants a divorce. We were separated for around 6 months with the over all comments from her that it was over and never gonna happen.
To make a long story short, I vented in here constantly and for the most part left her alone. During this time nothing changed. In about a week or two span I had many people tell me that had seen her recently and she was starting to tell people that we were divorcing and that it was her idea. Right about the end of this week spand on a Monday night we talked and it was the same old crap how she was done and gone about us. That same week on Friday she came to my apartment and was really quiet, after about 2 hours she asked me to come spend the night, been here ever since and that was about 7-8 weeks ago.
So my only real advice is that you don't push, don't ask, start GAL and when it comes to her, ignore what she says and does, just vent here.

[MaxP]

Thanks 789. That's the kind of story I want to hear!

[MaxP]

A little update.

I have been away for a few days and when I got back my W phoned to see how things are going with me (I lost my new job and have started looking for another one). As you can guess there is a lot up in the air because of this. However, we had perhaps the most normal conversation that we have had since she left. Mainly just about what's going on in our lives, beyond our R issues. Perhaps she just wanted to see how I am after delivering the news, but it was really nice. There was no negativity there.

It's as if telling me it is over has eased some of the stress between us, especially for her.

[Dom R]

Do people really wake up one day as a different person?

no.


it sounds like your wife was covering up her resentment and unhappiness for a long time, and you never realized/recognized what was going on. Her positive feelings leaked away, day by day, until there was nothing left. then she decided to leave.

You might look in "walk away wife" topic, for ideas on what may have gone wrong in your marriage.

If you can talk with folks about your marriage, either here or there (there, might be a rather slow forum,though), then you might be able to figure out what your wife was missing from you.
If you can do that, and apologise for it... then the fact that you recognized it without her telling you, might be something she could appreciate.
it wont suddenly change her mind. but it might make a tiny window open up, and allow for something more over time.

the tricky part, is that you have to mostly get it right, the first time. so I'd suggest doing as much research as you can into it, before you take your "shot" at it.

the "emotional needs" and "love buster" questionnaires on marriagebuilders.com are a good starting place for areas to think about.

[Gingersnap]

Max.

Glad to hear you are finally getting a hint of positive convo from your W. Don't worry about the reason for it (ie. she's relieved she told you it's over and can now relax). The idea is to get those positive feelings/convos front of mind and keep them there. Without any added pressure she will hopefully start questioning whether she's making the right move.

[Dom R]

To make a long story short, I vented in here constantly and for the most part left her alone.

789, i'm really happy for you, that this turnaround occurred in your marriage.

You make it sound like all MaxP has to do, is just ignore his wife,and in 6 months she'll come back, though.

How about giving him more details about what happened with you, why your wife left, and why she says she came back, etc.?

[MaxP]

Dom,

Thanks for your input. Sometimes you need someone to say things that aren't necessarily easy to hear. One of my complaints has been that I don't understand why this has happened. I think that I need to think about this much more. I have some ideas though:

At the beginning of our R we both drove the relationship and I did things that my W had never done. We had fun. As our R developed I started to take more of a back seat and was content just to spend time with my W. That made me happy. However, I think she slowly came to feel that she was responsible for looking after me and grew to resent that. As she became more critcal I withdrew more - I don't argue (which is a problem) - to the extent that I no longer really know what I want. I stopped making decisions and organising things to do with and without her and she felt she lost her independence. From that point attraction then love can quickly fail. I can see why 'it no longer feels right' could be the her conclusion.

Does that sound plausible?

I worry that her declaring it's over is an impossible position to come back from. However, in some ways it wipes the slate clean. What I think I need to do is go back to DR and follow it carefully, not just read, do. Part of this process needs to be learning what drives me again and also discovering how to be assertive and not shy away from healthy arguments. I need to rediscover how to live an exciting life - and at the moment it feels like I haven't a clue how to start. But I do need to start. Hopefully I can call on the support of others here to help me.

Thanks,

Max

[Dom R]

Hi again Max,

I think you have a good start on things there. My guess is that at least some of the things you are saying about your past, are true. There's probably more details to it. keep at it.

I think that DR is a good book, for picking out practical, current time "actions" to do, to improve day-to-day feelings between husband and wife.
However, I think that there are other books that are better at helping you figure out "what went wrong, and how could things be better", though.

In other words, I think that DR is a GREAT book. but you should not neccessarily limit yourself to just that.
I will again suggest that you look over the downloadable questionnares I mentioned above, as one place for ideas.


As far as worrying that your wife "declaring it is over" is impossible to come back from... I think that many people's spouses here, have said that. And some fraction of those, have actually "put their money where their mouth is", and actually filed for divorce.
Yet, some people have successfully reconciled, even after a divorce is completed! So, I dont think your wife saying that, neccessarily means total impossibility.
What it definately DOES mean in my opinion, is that it will be a very long, difficult road to take, to travel from where you are now, to where the two of you might be in a position to live together as husband and wife again.
Where "long" is measured in months, or even years.
(I'm at 1 year 3 months so far. sigh)


I think your last paragraph shows a great attitude in you. Hang on to that, and keep at it!