Divorced but CANNOT "move on": Urgent Help Needed!

[Dead Man Walking]

This is probably a good time for me to take a break from my story-telling. I get so wrapped-up in getting my memories and thoughts documented accurately, that I often neglect higher-priority tasks. Like giving thanks, for example, to each person who sacrificed some of his/her time in order to respond to my rather sad predicament. There are so many good people--representing a broad cross-section of the adult population--who are willing to bring their life experiences to the table in order to assist others. I have been overwhelmed by the sincerity and genuine concern these people have displayed for perfect strangers.

I was very fortunate to have found this site when I did. These message boards are a tremendous resource for guys like me. Not just guys in my situation; but guys like me: introspective, hyper-analytical, stubborn, independent. These traits are great for a criminal detective, or an NTSB investigator trying to understand why a plane crashed. But when I was faced with the most daunting challenge of my life (the loss of the one person whom I was least prepared to lose), I treated it as I would any other problem: like a mystery or crime, to be solved by collecting all the evidence, interviewing all the witnesses, understanding motives, and eliminating false leads. By the time I realized the futility of this strategy, my marriage had deteriorated to the point that I was actually pushing my wife away from me.

Oh, so you think that the odds are on you getting back together so you don't even have to consider the fact that you are divorced and may stay that way?

This has been a lot more difficult than I had imagined. By that, I'm not referring to the necessity of losing one's ego in order to willingly accept advice which may be at odds with one's own flawed preconceptions. I don't have a problem with being told I'm wrong. Humility comes with the territory, if you truly learn anything from your failures.

The hard part (for me) is to understand that a statement written by one wise, experienced veteran of DB'ing may be quite true and relevant -- even if it appears to be at odds with equally valid advice from other wise and experienced individuals. Both perspectives may be valid, even when they appear mutually inconsistent from the perspective of a third party (me).

Just_Me, I believe you have oversimplified my position. I was responding to a particular phrase you had written:

"...You seem to think that if you acknowledge that you will more than likely (yes, more than likely) never be with your XW again that it will happen..."

I have a problem accepting your premise as fact at this early point in my long journey. You specifically want me to acknowledge as a given that I will most probably fail in my efforts to attract the interest of my XW.

I just can't get motivated every morning by telling myself, "[DMW], face facts: You already lost [XW] -- regardless of your diligence. No matter how successful you become at improving yourself as a father and husband, just take pride in your accomplishments for their own sake. Keep in mind that you will make yourself attractive to some other lucky lady who will recognize and appreciate you as an independent, detached, emotionally well-adjusted divorce. Don't let yourself dwell on the past. No matter how happy you thought you were, you were actually co-dependent and needy. Now, you're detached, independent, and ready to go for the gusto! [XW] only appears lonely and regretful."

When I go back to my first post, I see the words of a desperate, hurting, self-absorbed, needy, sniveling little worm. Not a mature, understanding, well-adjusted rock of emotional stability--which is what she expected of me. Sometime during the past 4 years, I stopped being the man that my wife admired and respected. Instead, I became a broken-down, burned-out shadow of my former self. Bitter? Hell, yes! Defensive? Of course! I had become an object of derision, to be pitied in my wife's eyes--not loved and supported.

All you have to do is get a good job and everything will fall into place? Is that all that was wrong with the marriage and she only wanted out because you weren't making good money anymore?

Just_Me, I think I have been misquoted. (I double-checked to be sure before responding. )

I wrote, "...This chaos has been a major factor in our marital problems. My XW needs stability and predictability." I stand by my words. My SIL and my XW's long-time best friend have both said those very same words to me: she needs stability. Of course, I do not believe a high-paying job is the "miracle cure" for what ails me. If only the solution were that simple, even I would have recognized it before now.

Yet, it would be foolish to ignore obvious facts -- even though they might reveal our "dirty little secret": Neither my XW nor I are fully-enlightened, emotionally detached, perfectly well-adjusted individuals, able to maintain blissful ignorance regardless of the family's financial insolvency.

To be fair to your observation, I won't deny that we certainly had our share of arguments and hot tempers before I lost my job. I remember XW hanging-up on me several times because I failed to let her know I would be working late. She even marched out with our infant daughter to stay overnight with her sister, outraged because I had two beers while watching football with a buddy, then drove home with "beer breath". (I was never more than a very occasional drinker, but I gave it up completely when my daughter was still a toddler.)

Sorry, but that sounds like about the weakest excuse to get divorced, and an equally weak reason to get back together, because you suddenly can be her financial support...

I agree emphatically. Hence my frustration and hostility! The fact is that my XW still has not put forward any "valid" reason for leaving. Of course, she didn't have to; in a "no fault" divorce, she only has to assert "irreconcilable differences". You may disagree, but for me that sounds like the weakest excuse to get divorced. Weak or not, I could deal with it better if she had said, "[DMW], I just can't live hand-to-mouth, paycheck-to-paycheck any longer. The stress of worrying about money has made me an emotional basket case."

What happened to the old fashioned notion of being together because of love and accepting that your spouse might not be your sugar daddy/momma?

That's ironic. You're almost quoting my words, written to her in one of a dozen or so email messages I swamped her with. She never even granted me the satisfaction of a response.

Your life at this point seems dedicated only to getting your spouse back. I guess I said my piece about working on yourself and trying to make your presently single life fulfilling.

Please don't assume that I missed your point. I believe what you say. I have nothing else to live for, as an "unhappily unmarried" man. The part of your message that hasn't registered for me yet is the part about it being somehow wrong or bad or "needy" to pursue my clearly-stated objective--which is to give my XW a reason to at least look at me in a new light. How is my goal naive and unrealistic, while the same goal is to be encouraged for people who may be still married but having trouble? Or those who are married, but separated? Or those who are in the process of divorce?

P.S., Just_Me, I do believe you're coming down on us (XW & me) a little too hard. It's quite well-known that financial problems have long been near the top of the list of reasons couple give for divorce.