Thanks Amy. I just talked to W and I really don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I want this. She told me yet again that she still hasn't decided if she wants a D or not. I have no right to be hurt by her wanting to buy a house. She doesn't think she can handle a long physical seperation, that she needs the physical contact and that she needs to have that met (not too hard to read between the lines there). That a D doesn't mean the end of the R. All this crap after a weekend filled with physical intimacy, ILY's and fun.
Honestly, I really don't like her right now. I don't understand how anyone can do and say what she did this weekend and turn around and say those things tonight. Part of me really wants to get off the coaster, to say fine get the D and leave me alone because I can't stand the feeling up and feeling down. I can't act like her husband, the way she wants me to act, only to be treated like a friend with sometime benefits. It's not right, treating people like that. And yes I want to be loved, not right, but I also want someone who cares about me and by the disconnect between what she says and does, I don't think she cares. Or loves.
We have Retrouvaille coming up next weekend and I have no idea how I'm going to maintain a positive theme with her until then. I don't even want to speak to her, she hurt me so bad. But I can't do that because then she won't go. The crap of it is I know I am what she wants, she just doesn't know it. I'm tired of her and her mental games. Right now, if I had the papers in front of me, I would sign them just to get her out of my head. It's amazing to me to be able to love someone and still absolutely hate them. I literally have 0 hope right now, what the hell am I still doing this for???? She's going to leave one way or another, I'm just delaying it a little.
