More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

I know I can't be the only one that has this issue but I have to write about it. I went to WalMart to get some new jeans this afternoon (down from a 42 to a 38 - Divorce Busting is a hell of weight loss program!!)

Right there at the front of the store they had the Mallowmars, my one real indulgence in the world of sweets - really, the 42 waist was because of the steak and the peanut butter (not at the same time).

Back to it, Mallowmars are only available here between September and April, I think, because the chocolate melts on the shelves. Anyway, it has been a ritual for my wife to buy me my first box of Mallowmars every year. So I grabbed them saying "well, no one else is going to get them for me", and I was fine with it. About 30 seconds later though I realized that no, really, no one else IS going to get them for me.

Such a stupid little thing like that and it pulled me down for hours. Okay, not stupid at all, but compared to everything else I have gone through with this, why do I have to accept the loss of EVERYTHING, even the small things??? Why can't it just be one big package deal and not be tormented everytime I run into some trigger?

So it got me thinking about our birthdays and Christmas and even the "just for the heck of it" times when we would find something meaningful and give it to the other.

So great, now I'm a mess writing this. Actually crying!! Had to move down to my office so wife doesn't hear (she's sleeping at the moment). Damn, I feel so manly!!!

:-)

I guess I was overdue for a meltdown. Haven't had one in about 4 weeks and, quite frankly, this one was a hell of a lot more "satisfying" (there has to be a better word than that, but I'll use it).

Maybe because the thought of losing something that is so thoughtful and tender, regardless of how small, affects me more than her turning to someone else for attention. It has to be because damn it, the meltdown is starting up again.

Suddenly the phrase "she means the world to me" seems so empty. It's not the world, it's everything in it. I couldn't come close to listing them but I'm sure everyone is familiar with the list - the smile, the laughter, the dreaming, the gifts, the shoulder to lean on, the "i'm proud of what you've accomplished", the thank you's and the "when are you coming up from work?". The coffee break she used to make me take every afternoon so we could catch up while the kids were at school.

This makes me start to think that I maybe I have taken her for granted and not been able to break it down enough. I give her big generic chunks like "you're a great mom" instead smaller pieces full of real meaning like "I love you for the way you stroke our kids' heads when their sick, and how you always know what homework assigments are due, and you know which pieces go to which toy and how you know exactly the right things to say to make one of there bad days good again."

I would give anything to tell her this now but I know I can't. Hindsight may help us learn but it can be so damn cruel (i.e., the truth hurts).

I know that we have had conversations like this where we pinpointed individual aspects and really shared our feeling. I also know it's been a long time since that's happened.

Holy crap, I'd better stop, I need to get back to where I was yesterday. I know I'm going to make it but I am such a wreck right now.

I tell you what though, I'm going to start copying these posts because if I ever get the chance to share my feelings with her and work this out, I'll be damned if I'd ever let myself forget to recognize and appreciate everything she's done. I'll make myself reminder cards if I have to!

Man, that was really friggin' hard to write.

Stupid Mallowmars!!!