Forrest Gump and his box of choclates.

[Forrest Gump]

Yes Lilly I am still lurking around doing ok. I hear the baby is coming soon. Let me say "Congrats"!!

GD

I am not really sure why you think I am angry. Maybe I am trying to convince my self I am not. Maybe the angry tones comes from the frustration that I feel.

I get angry/frustrated because it seems like every time I start to go one way something pulls me right back in.

Prime example every time I tell her I am going out I have to give a detailed itenerary (sp?) about who, what and where. Even now living at my parents house. When I got back from the beach with the kids and she had no money after working 2 days and not having any kids to feed. I am wondering where her money went. I thought about it for 3 days. Now as much as I know I should not have I was talking to her on Wed and I said I am scared to ask but what did you do this weekend? She said it was irrelevent. More or less refused to tell me.

I kept my son Wed night and he spent the night. When I dropped him off this morning my wife said if you need to contact me send smoke signals. Her phone had been turned off. She is the Agent on selling our house. If she can't answer her phone then guess what. Our house won't sell. So I think about it on the way to work and decide that I need to get her phone turned back on. I call cell company long story short she went over her time. She doubled her typical bill. So I go to pay the bill and guess what I see. I really don't have to write it out. Does that make me angry. Yes. Can you really expect a different reaction? I still payed the bill.

The biggest thing is that everything thing that happens I have to pick up the pieces. I want her to stand on her own. She is a smart woman. I have always wanted her to stand on her own and be the woman I know she is. I find it hard to Act as If because I never get a break from it. This week alone I have had to handle the kids over the cell phone because she could not do it. I had them 3 of the 4 nights so far.

Alot of people have told me she needs "tough love". People are telling me I am crazy for doing the stuff that I do. I still do it. 98% of the time I feel like I should not be doing it.

I have owned what I have done. I was the distant husband that had NFC disease. She had it to. We had our timing together on that. I have had my EA not with another human but still. She keeps saying that neither of us has changed. To a point she is correct. I have become her. She has become me. The Role Reversal. 5 years ago if you asked my wife if she thought I had cheated on her she would have said yes. 5 years ago if you asked me if my wife had cheated on me I would have said hell no.

Fast forward to now .... She says she has realized that I have not cheated on her. She has cheated on me. The cheating does not really bother me as hard as that is to believe. What bothers me, makes me angry is that she can't be honest about it. She has said her plans were, time apart, hope to be back together by Christmas. If she would just step out and say "This is what I did" the reaction would surprise the hell out of her. She has carried the guilt on her shoulders for 4ish years now. I have asked. I have begged. Just tell me its not that bad. At least she would be standing up and owning her part.