and that folks, is that. he's gone now, I'm home and crying my eyes out. god he is such an ass. he really is. if I have to hear one more time about how this is hard for him to, I may bodily throw him thru a window.
he came in and all was okay, a little weird at first, the kids were all over him and I took off to target after saying hi. he pretty much avoided looking at me. I got home when I thought the kids would be in bed...would give him plenty of time to get home to watch the game and all. no such luck, they were still reading stories. finished them up with all 3 kids on me and him glaring at me every once in a while.
put them to bed, he went downstairs while i was still in with d3, and I breathed in and out a few times, geared myself up, and walked downstairs.
it was fine at first. he asked how I was, I said good. fine. I tried to be breezy about it, but he was immediately all over that. I told him as good as I can be today. but I didn't say it in a mopey way at all, just a matter of fact one. I told him again that I had told him today would be hard but I really am fine. the kids and I were busy all day...I spent it focusing on my blessings. He thought that was a shot at him. he always thinks things are shots at him lately, and they very rarely if ever are. I told him no, that no matter what happens, they were the blessings of our marriage. he actually said he was surprised I felt that way. ummm...they are the most lovely, adorable children on earth, of course they are blessings. (no, I didn't say that).
he started to come down on me about how I don't talk to him anymore, and how I'm so not normal because I can't just talk to him like a person and such. I just looked at him, and remembered care, and said that I needed him to understand tonight was hard for me, and that I appreciate the space, and by next year most likely things will be very different...I'll be able to make chit-chat/talk about our lives and such. he got mad that it would take a whole year and started yelling at me, in a nutshell I'm a big loser who can't just be "normal" to him.
I got a little snarky, I'll admit...told him ya know what's going on in my life? today is my 10th wedding anniversary and my husband woke up in some other woman's arms. then I told him to just go home to her, I didn't want to do this tonight.
I stopped there. he went off to the bathroom and i went downstairs to fold laundry, hoping he would just leave. I started to cry but checked it when I heard him approach. that's when he started in about how hard this is for him. not in a gentle, understanding way, more in a, how dare I be hurt or upset, don't I know this is awful for him and its all about him way. ass. I told him calmly that I did get that. I do understand that this is hard for him. he told me he didn't believe that. I told him absolutley I did...that 10 years ago when we were married he was full of hopes and dreams, too. and his were disappointed in the end.
don't really remember much else that was said. he finally left and I lost it. that damned keening, wailing cry. heartwrenching, gutwrenching cry that just takes my breath away. thankfully not a regular part of my life anymore, but here it is today.
anyway, thanks for all the support today. I will get thru this. but my god, it just sucks so much.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
