It's been a long time since I posted, have been together (happily??!!) since august of 2006. 2 D's, 8 and 3. I've tried to stick to everything I learned while we were apart (sept 05-aug06). W has been acting funny since monday, then last night she drops another bomb on me, says we need to part ways and go on our separate paths. this one blindsided me big time, we had been talking about long term plans, and have just bought another house together in june this year. W says that she still L me,I am her best friend and she appreciates the fact that she can talk to me like no one else. However, she says she just doesn't have that type of feelings anymore and doesn't want to continue lying to herself or me about things. She says we're just on different levels and that I interfere with her energy. She has also told me that we will live together until after holidays, but then I need to find my own place. To me, this gives me some time to work at things since she isn't leaving this time or trying to throw me out right now,(a little daylight). Either way, this is a big time problem that I need to do something about now. Any insight or suggestions would help me greatly.
just_plain_hopeful
Anywhere's walking distance when you have enough time
To give up when all is against you is a sign of being weak and cowardly. --Chief Eagle, Teton Sioux
My first thought is that if she's unhappy, she should be the one to leave. You're not unhappy...so I wouldn't leave.
In the meantime, DB your butt off. Where have you backslid? Have you slacked off GAL? That's where I find my biggest backslides. Make yourself happy, and let her spin.
But yeah, definitely don't leave the house. IF she decides to proceed towards D, you leaving will impact custody, visitation, and support in many states. She's unhappy? Let her go.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Feelings come and go. It's a cycle. You choose to love someone and stick by them no matter what and work through the tough times....
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Yoyoing happens... my husband has done that too in the past.
I agree with the other posts here. If she's unhappy she needs to leave. Why should you have to leave? If you aren't already emotionally detached start working on that. Give her the time and space to deal with her issues.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
thank you so much for the advice. i needed the kick in the butt right now to get out of the shellshocked stage. i hadn't come up with a solution for the house situation, but just standing my ground definitely is the right move on this one. the GAL may be difficult to be somewhat available, but not easily available-i'll have to get creative on this one. detachment is going to be tricky too, since we seem to have "connectivity" issues, but I think I may have a couple rabbits left in the hat on that one. I think you guys(and gals) hit it right on the mark-time to get busy
just_plain_hopeful
Anywhere's walking distance when you have enough time
To give up when all is against you is a sign of being weak and cowardly. --Chief Eagle, Teton Sioux
Try to keep in mind emotional detachment and physical detachment are two separate issues. If possible you need to emotionally detach without necessarily physically detaching. That way you still keep a bond. This can be tricky. One interesting book that I came across during the first time my H filed for divorce was called "Uncoupling." It's kind of an upsetting book in a way because it's basically a blueprint for how relationships "uncouple" or disintegrate. On the other hand, I read it with the idea of trying to do the exact opposite so that the relationship with my husband wouldn't uncouple. In other words, although I DBed, detached and GALed I also decided to try and keep the relationship with my husband from fully uncoupling while still allowing him "a lot of leash." Sometimes it's a delicate balance and you have to carefully consider where the relationship is.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Oh Dear. Your W does sound unhappy, but the bit where she said you interfere with her energy set alarm bells for me - it looks like she is basing her happiness and unhapiness on external factors (in this case, you) and I feel sorry for her cos it sounds like she might be runnign from herself. I don't know, i am guessing a bit as I don't know the whole story.
OK - I hope this will provide some confort but I got bombed twice. My H moved out in Sept 2005, moved back in the November 2005, but dropped the second bomb March 2006. The things he was saying during the 2nd bomb: "my feelings have gone, there is nothing I can do to bring them back" "I can't stay married to you" "I don't want to say everything's fine when it's not" We got on very well as friends, so he had this idea we'd split up but stay friends, hang out with the same people and it would all be hunky dory.
it was after the 2nd bomb that i found this site, and I DB'd like mad. Before that, i had being doing similar. I remember the second bomb. After the first I cried, begged etc, but after the 2nd I was strangely calm. Yes it was tough yes it was extremely hard but eventually H wanted to work on our M again and now he is here, I'm getting ILY's and our M is strong.
My H's problem? Well ... I was bad in our M before the bomb, but I did all in my power to fixx me. I got discouraged when i'd changed but H was still in alien mode. He had to come through his unhappiness himself. He says it might have happened whatever, yes I was guilty of a lot of bad things in our M (I was over-controlling, mean and sarcastic, played the victim a lot) but once I'd fixed those there were still things H had to come through which were utterly outside of my control.
Your W could be the same. She's unhappy and she's looking for a reason for her unhappiness. You happen to be close by so you'll do as the target. All I can suggest is carry on being her friend, but don't agree to anything (like moving out) just yet. Phrases which seemed to help me when I said them to H: "Let's wait and see, let's take things slowly" "We're not trying to hurt each other, we are still friends" And I didn't argue with anything he said - like when he said he had no feelings and couldn't bring them back - i knew different but I kept my mouth shut. Or when he talked of the future when we were D;d... I just wanted to scream "this is not what I want, you are being so mean" but I kept quiet. Hard on me? Yes... but I had this place to come to. I looked after myself, gathered about my friends, tried to remember that I wasn't a bad person, eventually i felt if H was going to give up on me then HE was the one missing out.
So - as for when she says "you need to find your own place" I'd suggest passive resistance. Agree verbally but then do nothing about it. if she asks you for a pregress report on you finding a place be really vague ... teenagers do this sort of thing, agree to do something then do nothing. But I wouldn't argue or disagree with your W right now - the way she feels is valid, and it's her reality. I just hope she wakes up soon to see what she has here ...
Everyone on these boards is to be commended. The fact is most of us have been bombed but instead of collapsing, or playing the blame game, we have decided to put in the effort, take a step back and REALLY TRY. most people when bombed just declare war. If there were more people like us willing to put aside our egos and really try there would be less D about.
Good look, sorry to hear of your second bomb, and keep posting!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Oh Dear. Your W does sound unhappy, but the bit where she said you interfere with her energy set alarm bells for me - it looks like she is basing her happiness and unhapiness on external factors (in this case, you) and I feel sorry for her cos it sounds like she might be runnign from herself. I don't know, i am guessing a bit as I don't know the whole story.
OK - I hope this will provide some confort but I got bombed twice. My H moved out in Sept 2005, moved back in the November 2005, but dropped the second bomb March 2006. The things he was saying during the 2nd bomb: "my feelings have gone, there is nothing I can do to bring them back" "I can't stay married to you" "I don't want to say everything's fine when it's not" We got on very well as friends, so he had this idea we'd split up but stay friends, hang out with the same people and it would all be hunky dory.
it was after the 2nd bomb that i found this site, and I DB'd like mad. Before that, i had being doing similar. I remember the second bomb. After the first I cried, begged etc, but after the 2nd I was strangely calm. Yes it was tough yes it was extremely hard but eventually H wanted to work on our M again and now he is here, I'm getting ILY's and our M is strong.
My H's problem? Well ... I was bad in our M before the bomb, but I did all in my power to fixx me. I got discouraged when i'd changed but H was still in alien mode. He had to come through his unhappiness himself. He says it might have happened whatever, yes I was guilty of a lot of bad things in our M (I was over-controlling, mean and sarcastic, played the victim a lot) but once I'd fixed those there were still things H had to come through which were utterly outside of my control.
Your W could be the same. She's unhappy and she's looking for a reason for her unhappiness. You happen to be close by so you'll do as the target. All I can suggest is carry on being her friend, but don't agree to anything (like moving out) just yet. Phrases which seemed to help me when I said them to H: "Let's wait and see, let's take things slowly" "We're not trying to hurt each other, we are still friends" And I didn't argue with anything he said - like when he said he had no feelings and couldn't bring them back - i knew different but I kept my mouth shut. Or when he talked of the future when we were D;d... I just wanted to scream "this is not what I want, you are being so mean" but I kept quiet. Hard on me? Yes... but I had this place to come to. I looked after myself, gathered about my friends, tried to remember that I wasn't a bad person, eventually i felt if H was going to give up on me then HE was the one missing out.
So - as for when she says "you need to find your own place" I'd suggest passive resistance. Agree verbally but then do nothing about it. if she asks you for a pregress report on you finding a place be really vague ... teenagers do this sort of thing, agree to do something then do nothing. But I wouldn't argue or disagree with your W right now - the way she feels is valid, and it's her reality. I just hope she wakes up soon to see what she has here ...
Everyone on these boards is to be commended. The fact is most of us have been bombed but instead of collapsing, or playing the blame game, we have decided to put in the effort, take a step back and REALLY TRY. most people when bombed just declare war. If there were more people like us willing to put aside our egos and really try there would be less D about.
Good luck, sorry to hear of your second bomb, and keep posting!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
JPF - I can't think of anything to add that the others have not already suggested. If I have some time this weekend, I will search back into your past threads. Jen-Jam's H sounds very much like my W - and I suspect your W as well.
BTW - I might be in your neck of the woods. If you feel like it, you can send me an e-mail with contact info...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
