ILY's & ML...no fights..this is a strange S! Help!

[Dom R]

I know we need this S. I don't WANT him to come home before he's looked deep inside and committed to changing. But I think he views this as "when you straighten up I'll come home". No mention of M from him so I have no clue why we're S from his POV.

Sooo.. why did you say all that?
What do you think he believes you need to "straighten up" ?

What specifically did he say, about when/why he moved out?

[soul_mate]

From what you have said so far there may or may not be OW involved no for sure. He sounds like he may be depressed and maybe he thinks moving out will make whatever his problems are desappear. It is hard telling try not to spend to much effort figuring him out, afterall he may not even understand himself at this point so how are you suppost to.

[Gingersnap]

still nursing this horrible stomach flu - bleh! Thanks so much for the thoughts.

MK- I totally believe that H is MLC..except for the losing weight and A thing. He must be in the depressed stage. Angry, way overweight, not sleeping, etc. He was also diagnosed with low testosterone before he left. He has a hormone replacement gel he's supposed to use everyday but neglected to (he's a pharmacist so he knows how vital this is). Low testosterone causes many of his symptoms...very similar to female menopause. I'm not a nagger so I would gently remind him to use it when he was still home and leave it at that. He has said recently that he's determined to use the gel everyday to see if there's a change. And yes, his dad dying and S18 (with whom he had more of a friends relationship than father/son) leaving for college has most likely contributed.

CMC - I will totally check out your sitch. I definitely need some insight into this whole thing ....while trying desperately to not become consumed by it. I'm not sure whether I should really buckle down and cut off the sex. It would hurt me because I LOVE it..lol.

Neph - yes - I do think he's overwhelmed by responsibility and in a sense is running from it. I worry about the kids misbehaving when he's here but so far he's been a firm but loving disciplinarian when he's here and he's actually diffused more of the kids tantrums than me lately.

Dom - Right before he left I bluffed my way into trying to get an A confession out of him. Told him someone I knew had seen him with OW (and totally guessed it was someone he works with). He went into a rage, demanding to know who said it, etc. He looked me right in the eyes and said "I AM BOT SEEING HER AND YOU KNOW I'M TELLING THE TRUTH". And yes, he was. So I finally had to admit it was a bluff, but a necessary one because I couldn't live with his anger/hostility towards me anymore. He looked at me like I was a loon. In a way I was I guess. But I wanted to know what the heck was going on. He went to Tenn. for his dad's funeral that next week and when he returned he got the apartment...needing a "break from all the questioning". That's the last time we've really talked about the M. Except that he keeps saying this is not the same as last time.

SoulMate...yes - that's my challenge. Keep my focus elsewhere. I've been doing quite well. I think detachment came easy for me because H has been gone much longer than when he physically left.

Latest:

H did call last night. I was in bed early due to flu and didn't answer. Decided to call back and tell him I didn't really want to chat - but had to tell him our cell phone bill was $300 last month and on its way to that again, to please call and get a larger plan. He was in his real soft/sweet voice and said he was thinking of me and wanted to say goodnight. I thanked him and said goodnight. Good grief it all seems so ridiculous at times.

But I DO thank the Lord every time he says ILY. These are the first ones I've heard volunteered from him in MONTHS. It is nice...they aren't effusive and gushy but I'll take them.

*and I have to say, God is the number one reason I'm getting through this so well. He supplies my every need and has His hand on all of this. Just so you all know where I'm coming from as He'll be mentioned from time to time

[Dom R]

Some thoughts for you:

doesnt sound like you quite answered my questions of, "what does he need from you to straighten up", and "why did he move out".
probably becuase you dont know the answers yourself?

So, one thought for you only (because I dont know all of your background):

hostile questions dont seem like a good way to diffuse hostility towards you.


oh.. hmm. read your "back story". you're an "affair wife"

And, your husband has been the textbook case of "if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat ON you" once already.

Sounds like:

he didnt have the internal strength of character to work on his first marriage (but instead left for you)

he didnt have the internal strength of character to work on his marriage to you 5 years ago, but had an affair with someone else

he's going through "something" now. odds are fairly high that there's an affair involved.. even if you didnt guess the "right" person.
He said that he isnt seeing HER.

his "i love you" may be just from guilt, or it may be real. tough to guess.

But all that doesnt help you, i'm afraid.

Reguardless of whether he's running away because of an OW, or because he's running away because of "personal issues"... he's still running away, rather that looking to work things out together.

you attacking him, probably made him feel like that wasnt even possible.

So, probably best thing you could do, would be to 180 all that type of behaviour, and show yourself as consistently supportive, and non-threatening, and see what happens.

[Gingersnap]

Thank you Dom,

Your comment sounded a little condemning. I realize my M is the very thing many on here hope doesn't succeed. But it's my one and only - and my family is worth the fight. Yes, when I married H at 24 I was a A wife (although he was Separated at the time, I still take ownership of that- we dated for 5 yrs prior to M to help us prepare - I was a junior in college when I first went out with him). If I were the same person I was back then I'd be D now for sure. But 5 yrs. ago I gave my life to the Lord, and He took my M under His wing. I spent countless hours in scripture to see if I was even supposed to stand for my M or if the Lord viewed it as adultery. H's XW has remarried twice over. The bible speaks of remarriage and how it defiles the original, and you shouldn't take a spouse back at that point. So that and the fact that I am a new creature in Christ - the old has been washed away and there is no condemnation for that - gave me the strength to persevere for our M. Just wanted to give you that background....as I worked through a lot of that inner turmoil 5 yrs. ago and arrived at peace. H still hasn't dealt with his stuff. That's most likely why we are here.

Yes, I agree that he has a pattern of using OW to avoid conflict. And has done so with me and against me. So of course that's where my first thoughts go when he detaches. At this point I don't know if there is. He's not acting the same...before he lost weight, had breath mints, cologne, new underwear, etc. None of those signs this time.

Like I said....I have not spoken to him at all about the M or S. I pretty much only speak in terms of responding to him.

So I guess I'm on the right track....

[Gingersnap]

he didnt have the internal strength of character to work on his first marriage (but instead left for you)

Just have to clarify this. H was kicked out of his house by his XW long before he and I had a physical R. I was not the cause of the first M breaking up....possibly helped stop any efforts on H's part to fix things, but not the cause.

You assumed a lot here and ruffled my feathers, so sorry if I've come across as defensive.

He has said (before he left) that he feels like we are hopeless because of the mistake he made 5 years ago. That I'll never forget and be constantly thinking he's having an A. This is not true, but most likely his reality.

[hiscott]

Gingersnap,

I'm not sure that it matters whether or not OW is involved. It sounds like both of you need the space and may have some personal issues to look at and that work may be easier to do when you are separated. At this point, it doesn’t matter so much how the two of you met. What is more important is how you can each grow into better individuals who can them come together in a maturer loving M.

[Gingersnap]

thanks, Hiscott. I agree. And I don't give much thought to our beginning because it was almost 16 yrs ago - I thought H's history may offer some insight here.

My life outside of him is full and rewarding. I want this for our kids more so than myself at the moment. I'm happy to have space and freedom from his anger.

I feel like I'm in a holding pattern - I did all the self-help/searching last time around and I've refreshed them, but I don't feel like I'M the one with issues. Hmmm...does that mean I'm in denial?

[Dom R]

Just have to clarify this. H was kicked out of his house by his XW long before he and I had a physical R. I was not the cause of the first M breaking up...

Ah. thanks for clarifying it. that did not come across, in your original first-post summaries.

For the record, i think that your presence most definately was a factor in non-reconciliation there, even though it wasnt the original cause.

as far as your husband's comments:


If someone is sincere about reasons for leaving, they should be able to put it in terms of, "because you treat me like ...".
They dont have any valid basis to TELL you, how YOU feel.

[Gingersnap]

This flu has me feeling yuck emotionally as well as physically. I'm thinking of avoiding H if he calls tonight. Should I try to not be available every time he calls? Or since things are going so well do I continue to be available and nice?

Why can't I think when I'm sick? *ugh*