He's on Match.com

[Trixi]

But, like my W, he probably feels that it's within the rules of separation.

Yup- I am absolutely 100% sure that is what he thinks.

I have to say, btw, I've seen pics of you and you don't look out of shape to me. you are beautiful and look fit. so maybe you are being more insecure about things than you should be.

Thanks Morgan Well, clothes were invented for a reason- and I lots of room for improvement if I'm naked. Not enough to warrant tossing me out, though.

honestly, I wonder if this is about you being out of shape at all. I think you are just beating yourself up because your H is being an ass and that is hard to accept. same with you crying about the apt...you weren't sad because that is where he is living, are you?

Initially, yes, that was a part of it. I felt like I had forced my H who has worked very hard to get where he is, to have to be in an apartment that is worse than the one I met him in nearly 13 years ago.

or is it more because he's choosing a dump over trying to fix your relationship?

Then I felt bad because he was choosing the dump.

I just got a call from the listing agent of the house I might want to lease option to buy-- the price the sellers came up with is exactly the price I had in mind, with exactly what I thought should be credited towards down payment. The payment is what I would be paying when I purchase (so I can get used to it) and the credit towards the down is decent. And it appears they aren't going to require a lease option payment up front of several thousand dollars. Which is more good news.

But I am still left wondering if I am *supposed* to do this...

[Dom R]

Well, now that I think about it, my thyroid was off the charts messed up at the time. I was the walking dead and any extra exertion made me exhausted and upset.

I had a personal trainer that I saw 3 times/wk for 1.5 hours at a time. It worked (lost weight, all that) but it killed me.

sounds like a "bad" personal trainer. Or, you didnt communicate what was important to you. or you undercommunicated that you didnt want to feel that way.
I would suggest that you get a trainer, that you can trust to tell them, "I want to get in shape: but I want to *enjoy it*, too.".

That guy sounded like the only goal he had was to make you lose weight, whether it made you feel lousy or not.

Look, don't get me wrong- I am attractive in my own way; guys hit on me at the bar- so I am not a total fat, hag or anything; But I could do to lose weight and tone up.

Everyone is attractive to SOMEONE. What is the most important, in my opinion, is whether you are doing all you can, to be attractive to the person you married.

A reasonable, mature spouse, will understand that, even if they are most attracted to [stereotype body type X], you will never be a "perfect type X". What will matter to them, is if you do your best, with what you have.
Contrariwise, even if someone "isnt that bad"... if they show zero concern about maintaining their body, it could be a turnoff to their partner.

I think your husband will really appreciate a renewed effort on your part, in that area. So long as the idea of "keeping fit" is something you are going to keep doing, rather than just a passing thing.

I will never be 25 or even 30 again. Ever. I don't want to set myself up to compete with that.

You dont have to "compete with that", in the sense of having to look better than that. But you do have to "compete", in the sense, that your husband probably wants to know that you arent in the "well, I'm married and over 30, so I dont have to bother about my body" attitude.


PS; instead of the downpayment on that house... you might consider getting the tummy tuck instead.
Husbands do not make that kind of suggestion idly.

Or perhaps, rather than running out and doing it Right Now,and dealing with surgery sideeffects, you might mention to your husband, (if you really plan to), that you are thinking about getting that tummy tuck, [some time in january] or something.

PPS to morgan: I dont think that any man wants to date a "hot bod" girl, because he's afraid of his own saggy butt. Men are waaay simpler than that. That kind of man, just wants to date someone who looks good, because that's part of what is important to him in a date. His own appearance has nothing to do with it.

[Gingersnap]

But isn't it downright discouraging to get a kick in the proverbial buttocks when we're already down? I know the last thing you want to worry about is how you look right now. So - as you step into a routine of whatever fitness you choose...do it MOSTLY for you. So you feel good about yourself. But remember that what's inside is ultimately what will bring him home for good.

[saffie]

I would go one step further and say do it all for you and your health.

Saffie

[Trixi]

Yes, it should be just for me.

So much for giving him the benefit of the doubt, he was active on match within the last 24 hours.

Last night I took my mortgage broker/friend to see the house. She thought it was sooooo cute, seemed like a great deal, etc. At first she was all gung ho, but we went out for a cocktail and thru the course of conversation, she was like "you're not ready. You should be, because you *husband* is on Match.com, but you're not." I know I *should* be too.

She recommended I say the following to him:
"You (H) are single handedly destroying our marriage. You have two choices-you come back home and we move forward with our marriage OR you divorce me. Until you make up your mind, leave me be. I'll stay here in the house, and we will continue with the current financial agreement, but I don't want to see you."

Last night, I saw the wisdom in staying put. This morning as I typed that, I thought-"great. so I stay in house that I may or may not have to move from, for an undetermined time waiting for the other shoe to fall or not."....

The beauty of the lease is that I won't have any "lost" money if I don't buy it, accept for the $$ that over and above my H's current rent. IOW, I cover his $1200 rent and I would have to cover $2100 for the lease.

Him saying that he "is single and has no baggage" means that either he is purposefully lieing to potential dates OR he is not confused about me, as he claims, and is using me. Either way-not so cool.

What if I say the above speech, but instead of staying in this house, I move into the lease house, but I ask that he not file for at least 6 months (if that is what he decided to do.)

Is that a good idea?

[Dom R]

She recommended I say the following to him:
"You (H) are single handedly destroying our marriage. You have two choices-you come back home and we move forward with our marriage OR you divorce me. Until you make up your mind, leave me be. I'll stay here in the house, and we will continue with the current financial agreement, but I don't want to see you."

This is basically "plan B", as you know.
And I think if you are emotionally ready for it, then that might be the appropriate thing for you.
AFTER the 3 months are up.

If you cant stick that out, then you portray yourself as someone who cannot stick to agreements.
Given that you want him to recommit to the "agreement of marriage".. which is a lifelong commitment ... I dont think it puts you as a favourable partner for such a thing, if you cant stick to one that is only 3 months.


and if his reply after the 3 months is "nope i wont commit", then I think you will feel much more solid with yourself in a decision to go for that house for yourself.

Last night, I saw the wisdom in staying put. This morning as I typed that, I thought-"great. so I stay in house that I may or may not have to move from, for an undetermined time waiting for the other shoe to fall or not."....

There is a saying on the other site, that goes along with "be a lighthouse". And that is:
"Be Still" (derived from Psalm 46).
As far as your relationship goes, anyway. and/or fussing about his activities on match.com

It's very difficult to do. I very much know the frustration of wanting to DOOOO SOMETHING!!!
yet, sometimes, being still, is the best thing.

actually, a good example of that for me personally, was last night. We were supposed to spend some time online "together", and it seemed to my paranoid mind, that she was making dramatic excuses to get out of it. I could have flamed, ranted, complained... but I chose to let it go.
My W did hear that I sounded upset about something. So when SHE asked.. I told her that I was disappointed about not getting to do stuff together that night. But that was it. I tried to "be still", and just let things happen, without pushing or pulling.
I instead just talked with her about the stuff that we "had to talk about" (with our children, etc)

There were also odd little signs, that could have made me worried that "something was going on". But I chose to ignore them, and just focus on what happened between her and I (while not PUSHING for things to happen much)


She ended up making the time to do it with me, and we had a nice time together.
If I had ranted or complained about it... either it wouldnt have happened, or it would not have been a positive thing.



Hmm.. I suppose that I should add the disclaimer that I "pushed" a little, by suggesting the activity in the first place a few days ago. There's a balance between being TOTALLY "still" and doing nothing, vs avoiding getting all frenetic about things

"you're not ready. You should be, because you *husband* is on Match.com, but you're not." I know I *should* be too.

I totally disagree on the "should be".
I leave it at that, though.

Closing though of encouragement: Go do something "to get in shape" today. maybe something you've never tried before.
For lots of reasons, not just "for you".

Feel good about it for you, because you are taking care of yourself.
Feel good about it for your husband, because you love him, and you know it will make him happier, even if he never tells you directly.
Feel good about it for your marriage, because you know you are doing "the right thing".

For me, having multiple reasons to do something, usually works better at motivation for me than if I just have a single reason.

[Dom R]

PS: you probably dont know when he put in the "single with no baggage" thing. yes, it's hurtful. but he may have put it in 2 months ago.

as far as him checking...
he is not committed to you at the moment. you know that. you are expecting committed behaviour from him.

expectations like that will always lead to unhappiness and disappointment.

besides which.. you dont know what he's actually doing. whether he's "just looking", vs setting up a date for himself.
Right now, all you can be really sure of, is that he "looked".

[Trixi]

If you cant stick that out, then you portray yourself as someone who cannot stick to agreements.
Given that you want him to recommit to the "agreement of marriage".. which is a lifelong commitment ... I dont think it puts you as a favourable partner for such a thing, if you cant stick to one that is only 3 months.

We are 12 days away from the 3 month point and he is actively looking on Match.com. The 3 month point was an agreement to sit down and re-evaluate where things were going. Last Sunday he said that he wondered "what we were doing" because nothing was changing. Oh (also Sunday) when I was upset but had not managed to articulate that I thought he was being mean, he said "Are you looking for closure?" I had not managed to tell him anything about why I was crying (searching for words) so that indicates that is what HE is thinking about. Do I really want to risk losing the lease to own house over 12 days when the writing is on the wall?

and if his reply after the 3 months is "nope i wont commit", then I think you will feel much more solid with yourself in a decision to go for that house for yourself.

We are 12 days from 3 months. A week and a half ago I asked if we were exclusively dating and he said "So far". He's on match.com and is "single with no baggage". What kind of dope would I have to be smoking to think that in 12 days he would be committed? He can't even commit to dating me exclusively.

It's not so much that I am expecting committed behavior from him; it's more like I am becoming more clear at just how UNcommitted he is and trying to make decisions based on that info.

[Dom R]

Agent:
you're sabotaging your own efforts here.
you are turning "3 months" into "2 and a half months".

I suggest you quit looking to "get out early", and put in honest efforts for the 3 months that you committed to.

have all this talk with yourself at 3 months, not 2.5?

Last Sunday he said that he wondered "what we were doing" because nothing was changing.

now, THIS is what I think you should be focusing on. THIS, is an actual opportunity to DO something!

SO.. what did you say? What did he even mean?
"nothing is changing from last week"?
"nothing is changing from 6 months ago"? (that cant be it?)

what?

This 3 months is, unfortunately, all about HIM. So, it's important to figure out what he is expecting.

HE, might have been expecting that you actually talk to him more about commitment, hence the "nothing is changing" comment.
Ironically, one of the reasons he may have started looking at match.com again, is because perhaps you didnt follow up strongly to his question, so HE is gearing up to start dating when 3 months rolls around.

Ironically.. this could be his response to your actions. See what I mean?
Not saying "it's your fault". What I'm saying is; quit getting stressed and being all fatalistic about things, and start looking for POSITIVE possibilities here!!!

Maybe it's time for "act as if".

as in, "Act as if, if you approach him in the right way, he WILL agree to commit to you; it's just that right now, he feels in limbo".

I'm going to make a very specific suggestion in my next post. I hope you will consider replying to that one directly.

btw: I think that 3 months is the time to hold of on making any ultimatums. however, positive, non-defeatist discussions before then, might be a good thing for you?

[Dom R]

So, here's my suggestion. With the backdrop that I put in "TODAY" because you are short on time here:

TODAY (or at the very latest, tomorrow), commit to an excercise program that you can at least be interested in to some degree.

GO TO IT, today or tomorrow.

Let your husband know that you enjoyed it, and plan to keep doing it.

Make some fun plans with your husband this weekend, hopefully, just like you two have enjoyed weekends together all this time.
If he balks at it... Dont be whiny, or needed. Instead, be forceful and "sassy". But make it happen.


Then, after you have shown your willingness to continue having fun together, AND that you are going to do something you havent done for a while and keep your body in better shape... have an 'R' talk with him,if he hasnt brought it up already.

Ask him further about the "nothing is changing" comment he made. Ask him what he is looking to change in your relationship, or in you specifically.

if he makes some statement about you being "bold", or whatever, have an immediate response for him right there and then. aka:
"ok, then, lets [drive to vegas/go hang gliding/go have sex on the roof] RIGHT NOW!" and mean it. Go do it with him.

So.... how about it?
Are you going to mope about things, and just let things "fizzle out" on a time limit?
Or are you going to keep trying... really trying, with no holding back, and fight for your husband with everything you have?

It's "the 4th quarter". "The final inning". "The home stretch". Whatever you want to call it.. this is the time to put in EVERYTHING you have, instead of just giving up on things!

2x4 for you:
you are SO D### LUCKY, Agent99! You get more positive time, and compliments, from your husband, and a whole suite of other things, than 80% of the people on this board!!
For you to just feel like giving up, I think is insulting to the rest of us. Many of us would kill to have the chance that you have, and you seem to just be giving up