He's on Match.com

[azhira]

99,

You may find that you enjoy going to the gym.

I was never large, but I started working out because xh was always there. And I wanted to get rid of my lower back pain.

So...now I love love love the gym. I got skinnier than I ever thought I could be. And I work out simply because I enjoy it. The 'being in shape' is a bonus; I just love the exercise high.

[Trixi]

My guess is that he doesnt think it's going to change, so I think perhaps he's toying with the idea of whether he wants to "settle" for you or not.

And THAT'S crux of the matter.

[Trixi]

I tried the gym in the past. Hate it. I don't get endorphins, I get sleepy and mad.

Maybe he's right; I can't be what he wants.

[Dom R]

I tried the gym in the past. Hate it. I don't get endorphins, I get sleepy and mad.

Maybe he's right; I can't be what he wants.

you're kidding me... you're giving up that easily?

Perspective #1:
If you knew that your children needed money for [living, whatever], and the only way you could feel confident of giving that to them in a stable manner, was spending 8 hours a day in a job that you didnt particularly like: wouldnt you still go spend those 8 hours a day, 5 days a week doing it?

If so, then why wouldnt you spend 2 hours a week, taking care of something that you know your marriage needs, even if you dont particularly like it?

Perspective #2:
Why did you get "sleepy and mad" at the gym?
What did you try, and for how long did you try it?
"let's discuss".

Perspective #3:
"go to the gym" is one way to get a toned body. It is by no means the only way. There are many many others.
The odds are quite high that you would find at least one of them fun

[If you want suggestions on alternative activities, then you should post your height, weight, and approximate strength/stamina. ]

[azhira]

Find something you enjoy doing, or you won't do it. I hate running. Hate hate hate it. So, instead I use the elliptical or go hiking.

It may be you didn't establish a regular enough routine. And try not to think of it as 'trying to get toned and hawt'. That'll just frustrate you, because those kinds of results aren't quick. I gained 85 lbs (yes, 85) during my pregnancy. I cried the first time I worked out again. I couldn't believe how crappy I felt. I felt fat, tired, and almost just didn't care anymore.

I had to just keep going, a little bit more every couple of weeks. I decided I need to get back to it being 'fun', or I would never work out that much again.

It took awhile. (And yes, I've lost the 85 lbs.) It's only just now getting back to where I enjoy. For me, sticking to a routine helps me sleep better, feel more energetic, and keeps me in a better mood.

As Dom said, you can try lots of other stuff. Martial arts? Biking? Tennis? Find something fun, maybe social so you can meet people.

Not trying to brow beat you with it...I just enjoy the 'healthy lifestyle' a lot. I used to be sick and constantly tired. Just trying to encourage you.

[Trixi]

Perspective #2:
Why did you get "sleepy and mad" at the gym?
What did you try, and for how long did you try it?
"let's discuss".

Well, now that I think about it, my thyroid was off the charts messed up at the time. I was the walking dead and any extra exertion made me exhausted and upset.

I had a personal trainer that I saw 3 times/wk for 1.5 hours at a time. It worked (lost weight, all that) but it killed me. I would make it to the car and cry. (This was during undiagnosed thyroid.) I have NEVER (even as a kid) had an endorphin thing from exercise. I am also odd in that summers depress me, not winters. I thought I was crazy-but I just found an article the Dorothy Hamill suffers from Reverse SAD too.
Well, that's neither here nor there; just pointing out I don't have the same hormonal things as the general populace.

I have always fancied myself more of an intellectual than jock. You are right, though, that I *should* take the "little" bit of time that it would take to get myself in good shape. I did try some videos since I corrected my thyroid and I found myself easily distracted. ("Oh- I know, I should clean the toilet. Oh-I need to clean out the pantry. Oh-I should vacuum.") Anything else beside exercise. I so admire Morgan and her dedication to the gym. All the women out there who are dedicated to the gym- I admire.
Look, don't get me wrong- I am attractive in my own way; guys hit on me at the bar- so I am not a total fat, hag or anything; But I could do to lose weight and tone up. I have lots of stretch marks from my daughter. (Guess I wasn't meant to be pregnant.)

When we sold our rental house, my H had said "Maybe you could get a tummy tuck with some of the proceeds"- I lit up and said "Don't tease me-I would love to do that." Of course, instead, after it closed we paid off bills and he moved out. Doesn't make sense to drop serious coin on a tummy tuck at that point.
Even so, when he is feeling shmoopy about me, he will kiss my tummy; he will tell me I am sexy (I don't ask-he volunteers)...Maybe he is trying to find out if the "something missing" is a tight body? I will never be 25 or even 30 again. Ever. I don't want to set myself up to compete with that.

[SallyM]

agent99, you don't have to go to a gym to get fit. think of things you love to do...you are taking dance classes with H right now. what about expanding that and taking some fun classes on your own? tap or jazz or belly dancing or any of those. you are pretty outdoorsy, aren't you? join a cycling/kayaking/walking group, or just get out there on your own, commit to doing it. try rollerblading if you haven't...so much fun, and really good for your legs/butt

I personally love the gym and go regularly. but I like other things to, and shaking it up is a good thing.

I have to say, btw, I've seen pics of you and you don't look out of shape to me. you are beautiful and look fit. so maybe you are being more insecure about things than you should be.

trust me, I am not happy with myelf. I'm heavier by about 15 pounds than I was in college/high school, and my body post-kids will never, ever be what it is in its pre-kids days. part of that is the result of pregnancy, part of that is the result of the fact that I'm 40 now, not 20. still, I'm way more critical about my body than most other people are.

honestly, I wonder if this is about you being out of shape at all. I think you are just beating yourself up because your H is being an ass and that is hard to accept. same with you crying about the apt...you weren't sad because that is where he is living, are you? or is it more because he's choosing a dump over trying to fix your relationship?

[Trixi]

Not trying to brow beat you with it...I just enjoy the 'healthy lifestyle' a lot. I used to be sick and constantly tired. Just trying to encourage you.

Thanks

I just saw an article too about having too much estrogen making women gain weight. (Same mag as the Dorothy Hamill story.) I didn't read it in great detail, but I did read enough to wonder if I am suffering from too much estrogen. And from what I skimmed of the food plan, it seemed reasonable and healthy.

Anyhoo- I guess I need to find some sort of exercise that appeals to me. Now that the weather is turning, outdoor activities like hiking and biking are not practical. H and I had also talked about getting a bow-flex with some of the sales proceeds; I would have been down with that. Oh well.

[SallyM]

[quote=Agent99]

"sleepyMaybe he is trying to find out if the "something missing" is a tight body? I will never be 25 or even 30 again. Ever. I don't want to set myself up to compete with that.

or maybe he's just terrified of the saggy butt that is in his own future. nothing to do with you, all to do with his own fear of ageing.

[hiscott]

Agent99,

I'm also sorry for you that you found this. I understand the hurt and anger. But, like my W, he probably feels that it's within the rules of separation. In my nine month separation, I have snooped and found out things about W and OM that I wish that I hadn’t. I've given up snooping.

This may be a phase that he is going through. If you want to still try and avoid divorce, I'd forget about it. But, do a 180 on how available you are to him. Stop sleeping with him. Let him know that you have other things in your life than him. Dont give him the impression that you just waiting around for him.