More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

Just when things seem to be settling and getting easier, a new wrinkle comes into play. Again, one battle at a time. Here's the latest (although it's not the worst possible situation):

Every year we travel to my father's house for Thanksgiving in NC. It's one of our favorite places to be - we also spend a week there every year around Memorial Day - the beach is beautiful.

A few weeks ago, even though she told me she was through with us, she still planned on going to NC with the family. My first reaction was to accept this as a good sign, second reaction was "no, it's not a sign of her wanting to be with me, she just likes NC", third reaction was "Hell no. It's my family down there, not yours". All of these reactions were kept inside...

Anyway, earlier this week my father, who has no idea that we are in this mess, asked her to let him know when we were planning on arriving. She was very happy about it and confirmed that we would be there. After she got off the phone, she told the kids that we were going.

So this thought keeps coming back to me: If she had her way, she would be out the door - financially we can't do that though. If we were physically separated, I don't know that I'd want her to go along, meaning that part of living without me should include everything that living with me has to offer (that sounds so damn arrogant). If she was with the OM, there would be no way I would even consider her inclusion.

Since we're not physically separated, I feel torn on what to do here. I still want to tell her that I couldn't bring her down there in the midst of our current situation. Too many memories and too much like a "perk" when deep inside I don't feel as though she deserves one.

The other side of my head (heart?) is telling me that I'm just being spiteful. That I know she'll be hurt and disappointed by being left behind and that's the only reason I'd refuse.

Honestly not sure why I wouldn't want her there. It's still a while away (still have to get through our anniversary - not even thinking about that day). I guess it should be a wait and see approach.

Huh. Sometimes you can answer your own questions just by being here. I think I understand. I do want her to go, I just want it to be like it always has been - as loving husband and wife. I'm afraid that if we go there in our current situation, I will build up expectations only to be crushed again.

I have no interest in punishing her. If she still wants to go when the time comes, then I think I will need to be positive. I don't look forward to having the kids EVER spend a holiday with one of us out of the picture. I know that at some point this may be a reality but why rush it?

I will need to get a very clear picture of reality before going. It's a 10 hour drive and we'll be there for 6 or 7 days. I'm going to have to really prep myself for this in order to keep expectations at bay as well as being able to keep up a positive, self-assured attitude.

As luck (?) would have it, the OM lives about 30 miles from my father's house as the crow flies - pure coincidence. In order to get there though, it would take about 3 hours by car. Damn, I guess that's another thing to add to the pile of reality. What will I be thinking and what will she be thinking when we drive through his city...? If I time it right, she could be sleeping and miss that entire state!

Maybe we should just stay here for Thanksgiving!!! LOL