Does anyone remember the the movie Cybil?? That is who I feel like I'm living my life with. My wife can be okay one minute, okay being not crying or yelling about something just calm, but never happy and smiling at home, she will only do that with her friends. I' trying to pick out which one is the real one. I'm dealing with so many personalitys that I truely can't tell anymore. The other day we had one of those dreaded r talks and basically she told me that we just don't have the chemistry anymore, I really don't understand this I would really appreciate a female perspective on this. I'm quite sure she is depressed since she does none of the same things she used to do like decorating the house for holidays or even clean the house for that matter. She struggles just to get out of the bed and go go to work. Cries all the time and sleeps ten times more than she used to. MLC, she has been dressing much younger, hanging around the youger crown at work and even talking more like them. She is 42 and beautiful. I love every inch of her, I just wish she felt the same way. I know she wants to leave but she does not want to hurt me or the 3 kids youngest d8. She says she is trying to figure things out in her head but nothing ever changes. She wants the total blissful connection, well who doesn't?? I certainly do!! but in reality, I would except something short of that to keep my family together but something worth building on. I get the feeling that she does not see anything worth building on. To me, 3 kids and over 25 years of history together is a huge start. While we are in limbo land waiting on her decide how to fix herself as she puts it, I see so many problems arrising with the kids that I feel are directly related to our problems. How do I determine if any of what she is saying is really what she is feeling, or just give up hoping that she will feel the way she did for so many years and move on. I'm doing a lot of things to work on me and will continue to do so. The excersise really helps with the stress of everything else going on. I lover her so much and don't want to give up too soon but at some point how long is long enough?? She gives me a hug every morning before work but that is the only form of effection I get and have gotten for over a year and a half. Any thoughts??
Hi SL- Sorry that you are here. I am not sure I have any advice for you since I am no expert. I believe MLC is all about depression. Everyone talks about MLC being about issues of mortality and re-evaluating one's life but I think it can also be about issues that the MLCer has had buried. They don't understand why they are feeling the way that they feel so they usually pick the person or people closest to them to take it out on. They come up with every excuse they can to justify why it is about you. Afterall, if they figured out it was about them, they would deal with it and move on and be mentally healthy. They think if they can change their life, then they can be happy...but eventually most start to figure out where ever they go, there they are.
As far as the female perspective goes, I don't think her excuse of no chemistry is unusual...it is just an excuse. My H told me our sex life was mechanical and then later told me that if sex could fix things, we would have no problems. They find what they can to justify their unhappiness with us. Anybody who expects constant fireworks after 25 years together is delusional...not to mention, what effort has she made to put passion in your R? I love how MLCers always make themselves out to be the victim of the circumstances and that someone else somehow should have been able to fix it.
Sounds like you are handling things well. As long as you are letting her know that you are there for her in a non-pressuring way and you are working on yourself, I don't know if there is much else you can do but be patient (easier said then done for me...just look at my thread) and learn as much about MLC as you can. Also, post here to vent or bounce ideas around.
Thanks for your insight, it really helps knowing that it's not just me dealing with these kinds of issues. Although it does not solve the problem, it helps to vent. As far as our previous sex life is a sore subject too. Non exsistant now but earlt on it was great but dwindelled over the years, I always assumed it was just how it should be at that stage of a relationship and accepted it. Later I found that my wife felt it was very one side, in favor of me of course, but caused her to be very bitter in towards the whole thing. She now says she hates the thought of it. I think that baffles me more than anything!! I can't imagine feeling that way for any reason.
As I mentioned in my reply to your post to my thread our situations are really similar. Giving them space and time to work through their issues is key. Acting "as-if" and GAL is also important. I really beleive they are confused and need time to work through their thoughts. It's painful and I truly wish you the best!
Me-46 Her-47 S-17 S-13 Married-20 year Bomb-5/14/07 DBing-Since July 07
I'm sorry you're here, but happy you found us. There is alot of good insight form so many people who have been dealing with this (in some cases for years). What whe says is probably what she feels...at THAT moment. The next moment may bring something else. She does sound depressed (change of habits to not doing and all the sleep). Is she seeing a C? Is she willing to (if not with you then by herself)?
As far as the chemistry goes, I definately fall into the behaviorist category. If you think and behave as if you're in love with someone (esp. when the chhemistry WAS there) then you start to feel it IMO. Is this MLC? Could be has some ear marks of it. What are you willing to do? Are you willing to love her through this no matter how long it takes with no guarantee of the outcome? What exactly are you willing to do? This is something only you can answer. The right answer is YOUR answer.
I know about limbo (as do we all) and it sux. Do not "wait" for her. GAL and do for you and the kids. This doesn't mean giving up, it means shifting your focus. You can't control anything she does. You can only control yourself and your life.
You mentioned the kids are having problems, is she helping with this? Would counseling help them? Kids will get angry and act out. I'm having an issue with this (D15 and D12). You do the best you know how and you learn more so you can do better.
It's good that you're exercising. Anything to burn off that nervous energy and clear your head. It will help you with your patience too. Patience is the biggest key.
Thank you very much for responding, We went to a MC for several months both together and seperate. We would go her first, then me, then together. We followed that pattern for several months. I really tried to take everything to heart and do EVERYTHING to try and keep things together. My wife on the other hand really did not think that someone else could solve our problems and really had a very negatove attitude about going, even though she was the one that suggested it in the first place. On the last visit, it was supposed to have been both of us but I was asked to come alone. Well it was about two weeks before I could get an appointment, talk about stress, those two weeks passed SO SLOW, I was more nerveous that I think I have ever been. When I got there alone, the C basically spent the whole hour talking about my wife, and the fact that she does not want to work on herself, or the relationship and that my made it clear to her in her last session that she would like a trial seperation. First it really pissed my off, here I'm thinking, I have spent hundreds of dollars trying to hold my family together and I'm now being advised to seperate. She asplained that I could not do it alone, so I went along with her and went home and talked to my wife about it, she really did not even acknowledge that she had sent that message, and did not want to talk about it. All she says she can offer me is a loveless life where we co-exist in the same house to keep our family together. On one hand, friends who have seen first hand how she treats me they keep telling me that they don't know how I put up with it, that almost makes me feel like a fool for staying. Then on the other hand, if she is depressed, then that is an illness, I would not walk out on her if she were sick from anything else, plus the fact that I still love her very deeply. I'm so confused.
