What is reasonable and what is not?

[Startingover2]

Thanks Jak....again.

Exh came by and dropped off some baby stuff that he got. It was the first time I had seen him since his blowup on Saturday. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he said he already apologized and there was nothing to say. I told him that he was out of control when he is drinking and that if he wanted to be around his daughter when she is born he needs to quit.

He is back to being casual and evasive. Like he could care less if we see eachother anymore or not. Feels like he just wants to check in about the baby and go on his merry way.

I blew it after he left and sent a text asking him if he wanted to spend some time together tonight since we both didn't have our kids. He said maybe later that he had some stuff to do to get ready for his hunting trip. I know that means no. We haven't spent any real time together for almost 2 weeks. Sure he comes around during the week for a cup of coffee and 10 minutes of conversation but that's it. I know I shouldn't have asked him to do that.

I really think he has every intention of being a part time dad when it suits him and then leave and go about his life the rest of the time.

Does anyone know anything about child custody/visitation? I am kind of thinking if this is how he wants it then I have to have some boundaries in place. Not just let him come and go when he pleases.

[runningoutoftime]

I don't know about child custody and visitation when a baby is born to parents who aren't married. But I would be extremely concerned about my children staying with an alcoholic. Even if it's a "weekend alcholoic." And I do think you are right. From what you've described, I don't think he wants to be more than just a part-time dad.

Was he a good father to his bio kids?

[Startingover2]

I don't want my child with him either if he is drinking, but how do you prove that??? I am starting to get nervous.

He is a part time dad to his bio kids now. They are 13 and 10 and are with him 2 weeknights per week. The oldest really doesn't want to be there much and the youngest is still rather defensive of him. I think he likes it just the way it is.

I guess I better get some info on what my rights are and what I need to do. Doesn't look like he will step up.

[Startingover2]

I did it!!! Small victory but I did it.

He sent a text saying that he was tired and was going to stay home and relax. Whatever. I now know I am not a priority. I didn't answer as I was at my daughters vball game.

I just got home and he sent one saying I could come over there if I want, but he is tired and didn't want to leave. I was so proud of myself...I sent on back saying "I am stressed and tired and need to shower and relax. Have a good night". The old me would have been running to his house.

Now he seems all worried that I am stressed. I am physically tired of doing all the work in this R, being pregnant and a single mom at the same time.

[JAK58]

How does he seem worried? Did you text back and forth some more?

It's great that you turned him down. Now go do things for you. I never here of you doing things that are for yourself and not everyone else.

Please don't ask him if he wants to talk about anything R related as it is concidered persuing at this point.
Yes he said he apologized and thats it, now he is waiting for you to cave. Don't cave and start asking him to come over. Let him persue you. If he doesn't then you are not loosing anything you really didn't have in the first place.

I think it is bothering him that you are not begging all the time for his attention and now he has to figure out how he is going to deal with reality.

JAK

[Startingover2]

Ok, I have a delimma......

Exh's cel statement should be online tomorrow. Do I look to see if there is still contact with OW? It is my single and only way to know.

I know the basic rule...no snooping but dang its so hard.

[saffie]

You know the answer to that one. If you need any convincing go read Luvmyhusband's thread - she snooped today and got burned by it. Don't.

Saffie

[JAK58]

Saffie's right so2 you do know the answer youv'e said it. No one will tell you what to do that is a decision you make.

JAK

[Startingover2]

The statement is posted and I haven't let myself look at it. I honestly know what I will find anyway. I think they are still in contact via phone and texts.

I have been writing down when he comes over and how long he stays. I went back about 2 weeks. We haven't spent any real time together since I had my amnio. Since then he pops in for 15 minutes, graces me with his presence and that is it. No real effort. Helps when you write these things down.

Here is another stupid thing I agreed to...dont yell. I agreed a few weeks ago to give him some money to go on his hunting trip. This was when he was attentive and nice and not on the drinking binge. I haven't given it yet, but I am sure he will want it in the next week or so as he is leaving on the 31st. With the way things are, I really don't want to anymore. I just don't want to sound like I am stomping my feet and mad because of the way things are and now I am withdrawing my offer. But right now he isn't deserving of a gift like that from me. How do I handle this?

Went dark. Haven't called him and he didn't even call me last night. Its so sad. He has a child coming into this world and he still acts like a selfish child.

[JAK58]

Did he ask you for this money?

The way he is acting now He shouldn't even be asking you for it.
I think I would say that i changed my

I would tell him that youv'e changed your mind givin the cicumstances. That you feel you are being used and that you won't permit it.(boundry) Thats my OP thought and you need to do what you need to.

JAK