Thanks to everyone. i am just so unbeliveably sad and in complete awe that someone can do so many things to hurt anohter. I think if I had some contact this would be a little easier to take. He has just vanished, and I feel like I am just going throug the motions of life.
Please remember that they have no idea what they are doing/saying half the time.
Having contact does not always make things easier even though you think it might.
Having contact can mean more spewing and make you feel even worse, esp. if he is in that stage of this.
But you have to learn not to give in and use fighting words at/toward him because it makes things worse. They have a tendency to do that in this stage.
And if he is cordial, be polite and no R talks, esp. not now.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Hey Wantlove...check out my thread. This is not an easy thing to do by any means. We all are just going through the motions most days.
I could easily be were you are. I was at one point. You just have to get it in your head that you can do this. It will get easier, trust me. Having them around isnt easy. I have tried the no contact thing the best I could with kids and it is easier not to see them.
You can do this...I can do this....Keep saying it until you believe it. It isnt about us at all.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Of seperattion by death or divorce, the kindest of all is death. At least that way you know where they are at. Early in our seperation when I was flogged by pain and anguish, lying on my bedroom floor sobbing and unable to move, I would wish that he had died.
I would lie on my bedroom floor because that was the only place I had privacy. I never let the depth or breadth of my pain show to anyone, except God.
I got to where I pretended he was dead. That some magnificently horrible accident ripped him from me and we would never speak again. I even went so far as to visualize a funeral where I could grieve openly and be comforted by others.
This helped tremendously. I put it in perspective that the man I used to know was dead. When I would see H after weeks of no contact, I treated him like a casual friend. I told myself "this man looks like my husband but my husband is dead."
This worked so well that after the first 6 months, I felt like I was a new person. After 1 year of seperation, H finally confessed his affair and intent to divorce me stating he was happier with her than he had ever been, wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. We had been married 20 years at that point. Problem was, ow wouldn't leave her H. I remained friendly to this man that looked like my H and stood back and watched his affair implode.
I finally filed for D last October (13 months into seperation) when H hadn't filed because ow didn't seem as committed to H as H did to her so H began contacting me more but lying with every exchange.
I had detached so well, grieved for so long, that filing for D was a relief. It was like picking out a headstone to mark the demise of our marriage.
H started calling and contacting more last November and December. Started coming by the house "to see the kids". I kept the "this man resembles my husband" glasses on and became a friend to him.
I had emergency surgery 6 days before Christmas last year and he was right by my side, I didn't ask him to come, he just did. I kept telling myself he was just a friend.
Two weeks before D would have been final this past January, H called me sobbing saying "we need to talk". H asked be to stop the D, he wasn't ready. Things were falling apart with ow because he still loved me.
I spent the next several months becoming very good friends with H. We are now in IC with the same therapist who begain seeing us together twice a month.
Things are going very well now. This man does indeed look like my former H but he does not act very much like him. I am working on keeping former H 'buried' while I learn all about this really great guy I'm seeing now. It is thrilling to be dating my husband! We are still living apart but we talk everyday and he spends several nights a week here. He went NC with ow and she with him this past June.
You will survive but not without going through this very painful period in your life. You sound like a woman who has very much been in control of every aspect of your life, I am just such a woman. You cannot control your way out of this. You have to surrender and tell yourself you will be ok. Think of this as research for a thesis paper and you are the subject. Journel your thoughts and feelings, this will come in very handy later. Study yourself as you allow the feelings to wash through you and right on out.
You will make it but you can't skip steps.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
WL-you will feel anger, hurt, etc. for awhile, but you will also find that it gets easier with time.
I don't know your faith but I can honestly say that prayer is very powerful and a big help during these times.
Last edited by steelersfan; 10/18/0712:54 PM.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
WL, contact does not make it easier. Trust me on that. Contact sucks you back into the drama. Besides very little that will come out of his mouth will be truthful or make sense or give you any indicator what is really going on. It would be like listening to a foreign language. And you would just spin and spin, trying to dissect it. Meh. Better off away from it. Let him cook.
Use this time to focus on you. To get some rest. To pray or meditate. To exercise (a tremendous stress reliever). To pamper yourself. To spend time with friends and loved ones.
I know it sounds absurd, but find ways to laugh. I used to watch mindless TV: Friends, Will & Grace, Sex and the City. Or rent stupid movies. Laughter is good for your heart.
You are going through the motions of life. That is the way it will be for awhile. Fake it til you make it. One step at a time.
All those hideously trite sayings. But they are trite because they have proven true over time.
TTH, I love your post, that pretending he's dead thing, I did that too!
I used to say that my H was dead and that this person was the executor of his estate, and although he looked a lot like my H, it was obvious he hated women and dogs!
Thanks BA! I finished your thread this AM and I am so proud of you and the gerlz! The wedding must have been incredible...sigh.
WL-Hugs this morning and here is a virtual cup of coffee. Wrap up cozy (even if it's only in your mind) and enjoy that the sun has risen. Smile that you are such an accomplished, successful woman and your H is an idiot to leave all that.
TTH
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
I am just tired of feeling this way, knowing that even making a decision to officially end it will not chnage the way I feel. I know all I can control is me, but that feels out of control, y'know? I am just weary of the feeling of limbo, of being rejected, of being closed out, especially while the most wonderful man in the world is hurting so very much....
