More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

The odd thing about the self-esteem issue is that once I recognized how low mine was (probably this past Monday), I made a very real effort to bring it back up. How could I have possibly thought that I'd be attractive to her, let alone be happy with myself, if my self-esteem is so low?

All it really took, I think, is an actual effort. I listed about 50 things that I needed to stop doing as well as start doing, along with reminders why they were important.

Since that time, each time I feel like I'm failing at DB'ing, I put a mental stop to those feelings and, work permitting, I'd pull up my list to reinvigorate my will to move forward - for me.

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a long time and the only thing that changed was my outlook on me. I have to admit, however, that once the OM sent the email, I caught myself becoming very optimistic and started planning the next steps for DB'ing. I can't explain why, but once the optimism kicked in, I could feel my self-worth begin to DROP! I imagine it's because of mixed emotions (do we have a chance? can I trust her again? what will it really take to fix this?) along with 6 weeks worth of disappointment flooding my mind all at once.

It was hard but I put a stop to the planning. First of all, as far as I know, the EA has not been ended yet. Secondly, I still need to work on me and let her initiate that next step. Finally, while I want to remain hopeful, I need to be cautious. It has taken me 6 weeks to start feeling good about myself, although I only really just started trying. I don't want invest too much emotion into a "fix" until I'm feeling strong enough to take the good with the bad.

Michelle's DR book touches on my type of personality - I'm a shoot-from-the-hip, let's get this thing fixed now kind of guy. Right now I think that approach is the last thing we need so my planning should be focused on me and on the kids.

I need to continue my own self-improvement routines and continue to find happiness within myself rather than allowing her to be my main source of fulfillment.

It's a hard realization that if we don't make it, I need to be able to live with myself. At first it sounds like defeatism to me but I recognize that it is just plain reality.

This website has been instrumental to me. I've been reading posts for a number weeks and finally had the guts to put my own story out there. It's terrible to see so many people having these and various other issues. Thankfully we all have this site to turn to.