Sep. financial lives, part 2

[trytoohard]

Of seperattion by death or divorce, the kindest of all is death. At least that way you know where they are at. Early in our seperation when I was flogged by pain and anguish, lying on my bedroom floor sobbing and unable to move, I would wish that he had died.

I would lie on my bedroom floor because that was the only place I had privacy. I never let the depth or breadth of my pain show to anyone, except God.

I got to where I pretended he was dead. That some magnificently horrible accident ripped him from me and we would never speak again. I even went so far as to visualize a funeral where I could grieve openly and be comforted by others.

This helped tremendously. I put it in perspective that the man I used to know was dead. When I would see H after weeks of no contact, I treated him like a casual friend. I told myself "this man looks like my husband but my husband is dead."

This worked so well that after the first 6 months, I felt like I was a new person. After 1 year of seperation, H finally confessed his affair and intent to divorce me stating he was happier with her than he had ever been, wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. We had been married 20 years at that point. Problem was, ow wouldn't leave her H. I remained friendly to this man that looked like my H and stood back and watched his affair implode.

I finally filed for D last October (13 months into seperation) when H hadn't filed because ow didn't seem as committed to H as H did to her so H began contacting me more but lying with every exchange.

I had detached so well, grieved for so long, that filing for D was a relief. It was like picking out a headstone to mark the demise of our marriage.

H started calling and contacting more last November and December. Started coming by the house "to see the kids". I kept the "this man resembles my husband" glasses on and became a friend to him.

I had emergency surgery 6 days before Christmas last year and he was right by my side, I didn't ask him to come, he just did. I kept telling myself he was just a friend.

Two weeks before D would have been final this past January, H called me sobbing saying "we need to talk". H asked be to stop the D, he wasn't ready. Things were falling apart with ow because he still loved me.

I spent the next several months becoming very good friends with H. We are now in IC with the same therapist who begain seeing us together twice a month.

Things are going very well now. This man does indeed look like my former H but he does not act very much like him. I am working on keeping former H 'buried' while I learn all about this really great guy I'm seeing now. It is thrilling to be dating my husband! We are still living apart but we talk everyday and he spends several nights a week here. He went NC with ow and she with him this past June.

You will survive but not without going through this very painful period in your life. You sound like a woman who has very much been in control of every aspect of your life, I am just such a woman. You cannot control your way out of this. You have to surrender and tell yourself you will be ok. Think of this as research for a thesis paper and you are the subject. Journel your thoughts and feelings, this will come in very handy later. Study yourself as you allow the feelings to wash through you and right on out.

You will make it but you can't skip steps.