No, it doesn't sound "reasonable". She goes out the door, she's responsible for herself. See, when people are engaged in an affair they have this fairytale view of the world. Her bubble's about to burst, big time. This is why I have always said to contact a legal representative. Marriage is about love. Separation/Divorce is about money. You need to find out what your pain level is with relation to the money side. Personally, I wouldn't give an lying cheating spouse a dime more than they were legally allowed, but that's my very own personal view. After all, what will your next relationship say if you're still funding your current one at a level about what is necessary by law? It may sound compassionate, but it's not a mercy to hang a man slowly as they say.
I guess I'm feeling a bit hard on this kind of person lately. I do hope things work out well for you personally and your kids.
I wouldn't give her a dime more than required either, but the idea here is for me and the kids to be able to keep the house, which we love. If she doesn't agree to something like this, then it is mutual assured destruction, and we all live someplace new (and most likely not as nice).
It is a self-interested payoff, which I could afford, a tit for tat arrangement (if she makes more than some amount, it stops, btw).
Does that sound more reasonable?
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Yeah, whatever the arrangement is, if there is one, has to feel fair and good and take the pain away - amazing how much better I feel without my wife here now. Of course it is more work with taking care of the kids alone, but I have been downloading audio books for my daughter to listen to, while I work, so even that is fine.
My son has a day off today, is at a friend's; my daughter and I will go Christmas shopping after school and then meet him for dinner, followed by an open house at his school tonight.
This weekend is taken up quite a bit by my son having concert rehearsals, so nothing big can happen. He also has newspapers to deliver on Saturday afternoon, so beyond maybe dinner and a movie (anything good out there, for kids?), no. The weather is gorgeous here just now, so maybe we'll poke around some natural area and enjoy it.
How about you? Anything on your radar?
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Taking the family to Spain tomorrow for a week. They're excited but I'm just tired. I used to travel a lot for work so flying is no longer interesting for me. Being stuffed tightly into a flammable aluminium can breathing bad air and being served "easy to hand out" food is not my idea of a good time. Luckily the flight's only 3.5 hours.
We'll be in Swedish summer weather there and my kids should enjoy it. I'll try to manage it and hopefully they have a good experience.
Have you been to any of the big museums here in Sweden? There's a few in Göteborg and Stockholm that are really nice. You should check up on it if you haven't been yet.
Spain sounds very pleasant, a good escape. We are going to Boston next weekend to see my parents, without my wife, and I look forward to that.
Yes, we have been to some museums here, but there always seem to be more to discover. That sounds like a good wintertime activity - will keep in mind.
Have a good time down south - look forward to hearing from you again (we leave next Friday for Boston, and I am not taking my PC with me, so it might be two weeks?) -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Well, I hope you had a good time with the kids in Spain and caught some sun. We had a Swedish 0-10C range here, but not much rain, so not too bad.
Wife and I had another talk today, this time after she received a note from the court and was upset. She called me a creep, said I was not a man, again, after which I pulled her into the living room and we really talked. It seems she wants to move out now, for sure, as I am “a failed project”, but she wants to minimize the impact on the kids (by keeping the house, for example).
She said I am so unlike other men (I didn’t understand, or even notice, the remark, for example, made by a guy friend of ours, asking whether I had come in under the ‘shame time’ of four hours in the marathon. I didn’t care and don’t want to compete with other men that way), that she can’t respect me as a result. That I haven’t done sports with our son (I run, but that is it for sport), and am just 'not a regular guy', a 'real man'. I felt insulted by this all, though it is true, but said nothing.
I said we should work on resolving any issues between she and I, as we would have to work on the kids for some years still, that this was maybe the most important thing of all. That the minimum thing we should do is come up with a concrete plan of what to tell the kids, getting her an apartment, Swedish citizenship so she can’t be deported, a job, etc.
So we still appear to be on the road to separation at least. I will continue the divorce proceedings. Things will be cleaner that way.
How about you? How close are you to getting a final decree?
Luke
Ps. Off to Boston tomorrow, and my parents, so I will be offline for a good week.
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
This morning's mail had a slip addressed to my W, asking her to please call the police and pick up (at the station) an official notification that I had filed for D, as she told me to do, about a month ago (we had a 'fix it or end it, which will it be?' discussion then; I proposed to see a counselor with her, but she said our marriage wasn't fixable. After 3+ years of no physical contact, I want to either fix it or end it).
A week earlier the court had sent her a letter presumably saying the same thing, but she didn't open it, throwing it off the table when I gave it to her. Now she won't talk to me, says she wants nothing to do with me, and we still have six months left before the D is final.
What do you do with such a wife? We have two kids and I would like the D to be a very quiet business, if indeed it must come to this.
We have dinner guests tonight - at least we are not working on any dishes together!
Now that I took her at her word and filed, she rejects the idea... I'll not call it off though, maybe the cold light of impending D will clarify her mind?
Luke
soon 50, W 45 Two kids, D 9 and S 13 Married nearly 22 years
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Interestingly the law in NY was, or maybe is, that one year of abandonment is enough grounds for divorce. I gave her a long time to come around (and she seems to be over an affair now), but what with turning 50 and stuff, I want to have some clarity.
Suspect that this will just be a take it as it comes deal.
4 years on Feb. 6, 2008 - starting to wonder what it feels like to be with a woman...
Off to cook the dinner -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
