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...You seem to think that if you acknowledge that you will more than likely (yes, more than likely) never be with your XW again that it will happen; that somehow if you keep wishing and hoping for it to happen that it gives you a better chance...

Sorry, but that is not something that I'm willing to acknowledge, at least not this early in this process. Not (as you suggest) because I feel the need to "wish and hope in order to improve my chances." No, the reason I won't make such an admission is because I do not believe it.

Understand, I'm not relying on blind luck or simple wishful thinking, or some delusion that I know how to "beat the odds". I actually, sincerely believe that my XW and I are just not that far apart! I'm certainly not naive or blind. Only a fool would not recognize the reality of my situation:
. [1] She left home and refused to return for an entire year.
. [2] Despite my best efforts, she filed for divorce--which has been legal for more than another year.
. [3] Finally, she filed a complaint in Family Court to keep me away from her.

Based strictly upon those facts, most men probably would put the whole painful experience behind them. But then, there's the rest of the story... (I love how Paul Harvey says that.) The rest of the story includes the fact that my XW was treated for 10 days at an in-patient mental health center for a "dissociative disorder" about 10 years ago. Several neurotic events precipitated her hospitalization, including the advent of irrational fears of abandonment, and delusional beliefs that I could not be trusted--yet she took near-strangers into her confidence, and was victimized as a result.

The other mitigating factor is that during much of the preceding two years, we were on very good terms. As in, I lived with XW and kids for several months during our separation and again after the divorce was final. Most of that time was harmonious, even including occasional LM. It was during one of the most peaceful few months that we had experienced since XW first walked-out eons ago that I learned of her on-line dating profile and subsequent parade of new man-"friends".

Oh, and there's also the events of this past week--culminating in tonight's bizarre scene in my XW's bathroom. She asked me to bring her a cup of iced tea into the bathroom while she took a hot, leisurely bath. She asked me to stay and talk to her while she relaxed in the tub. This, just weeks after testifying in Family Court that I represented a physical threat of violence to her!

Do you begin to see why I believe that ours is a unique situation?

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Yes, grieve this loss, but don't make the mistake of not using this opportunity to better yourself. Look at the things you did wrong in the relationship. Look at how you communicated poorly. Look at how your life currently is. Isn't there room for improvement? Isn't there more that you want out of life?

Absolutely. After all, I have nothing but time on my hands now. I have already decided to enroll in grad school online. No better time than the present to earn an MBA.

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...I know you think you'd make the ideal partner for your wife, but you're wrong. You aren't ready for a relationship with her....because you haven't done the things you need to do to have a fulfilling life without her. If she came back now, she'd be driven away again because nothing has changed.

I do believe that you've hit on something here, in spite of yourself \:\) . You're right, but at a much more fundamental level than you realize. What I have not mentioned in any of my posts so far is that I have been unemployed since this past July.

For most of our marriage, I was employed and well-compensated by The Boeing Company. In 2002, Boeing merged with another aerospace mega-corporation, McDonnell-Douglas. As occurs after most such mergers, there was significant duplication of workforce, policies, and facilities. As a result of corporate "streamlining", hundreds of positions were eliminated or outsourced--including my IT job of 15 years. I was laid-off in 2003, and life has never been the same since.

That layoff threw our lives into a long, stressful, period of financial instability which ended in a Chapter 7 bankruptcy. The market for the career field in which I worked (IT Support) bottomed-out, not just in our city but nationwide. Corporations slashed their in-house Tech Support staffs, instead "outsourcing" the work to the lowest-cost contractor. Many of the jobs simply left for Mexico and India. Those that remain are taken by "independent contractors" who work by the hour for "job shops". There is virtually no employment security; instead, short, closed-ended (30 days to 6 month) "assignments" are the norm. Gone are benefits like health insurance and retirement plans.

This chaos has been a major factor in our marital problems. My XW needs stability and predictability. We had lived comfortably (not extravagantly) for 16 years. Payroll direct deposit every other Friday like clockwork. Living within our means was not difficult, since we knew exactly what our income and expenses were. We automated most of our bill payments. My XW knew how much she could spend on niceties for herself and the kids, and we always took at least one annual vacation.

Contrast that scenario with today's sorry state of affairs: I'm constantly searching for contract assignments which aren't too far from home to be profitable. (Most contracts don't provide reimbursement for travel expenses.) My intermittent "cash flow" crisis would stress most people--especially a housewife trying to keep the kids fed and utilities on.

So, I have no illusions about how to "attract" my XW back to me. It's simple: Go back to school, then grab myself a decent paying salaried job as quickly as I am able. Now, do you understand my sense of urgency? I hope and pray (frequently) that I can stall my XW from hooking up with her lawyer/lover, or the anesthesiologist who just recently contacted her, or the guy who owns his own insurance agency. Those candidates fall far short of "the ideal partner for my wife" in so many ways! But, I'm not sure I could blame her for taking a long, hard look at each of them. Because when we start comparing checkbooks, I'm the one who doesn't measure up.


A successful man earns more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who marries such a man.Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.