ILY's & ML...no fights..this is a strange S! Help!

[Gingersnap]

Ok guys, I've lurked....I've posted to a few of your sitch's. I need some input because I'm going batty.

H decided to get an apartment 3 weeks ago. His dad had just passed away, and he completely shut down after a full year of coldness/detachment from our M. His behavior made me suspect an A...and when I pressed for an answer it drove him further away. I had caught him in many time-related lies that showed he was hiding something. He said he needed space from constantly being yelled at and interrogated (trust me...this was not common. Maybe 2 confrontations when I discovered deception). Other MLC symptoms included listening to violent, angry music and talking about people in a hostile manner where he never did before. Lots of respect issues with women in general, racism, etc.

When he left there was so much relief. No more hostility and hatred aimed at me in my own home. I started to relax and not react to to negative stimuli. So I guess DBing (which I knew about pre-S) was a natural thing for me. I never...I mean it, NEVER call him. I don't ask questions about our M. I'm cordial and a bit cool towards him.

Meanwhile, we haven't told the kids and he's here every day he has off from after school until bedtime to tuck them in. They seem oblivious. He's much nicer to me - helps around the yard and house, initiates safe conversation, etc. He is working extra to pay for his apartment and puts the usual amount in our joint account.

Early on I got occasional hugs and reassurance that he didn't want a D...that we would be ok. I didn't need the reassurance, wasn't sure I was planning on staying married myself. This is the 2nd separation and part of me is SO DONE with him not getting help (conflict avoider, childhood issues).

So last night he comes over for dinner and I decide to cook for the first time. I want him to enjoy at home time but not be a cake eater by getting home cooked meals whenever. After dinner he wants to snuggle on the couch. One thing leads to another and we ML. We had both agreed it was a bad idea to do this early on and I was the first to say "I shouldn't have done that". He agreed but says I'm too sexy to resist...blah blah. Called when he got to his apartment to say goodnight. He called this morning and ends convo with ILY. Second ILY of S.

I know we need this S. I don't WANT him to come home before he's looked deep inside and committed to changing. But I think he views this as "when you straighten up I'll come home". No mention of M from him so I have no clue why we're S from his POV.

So PLEASE...what is in his HEAD? I don't know why he would do this drastic a step unless there's an OW. Do you all think that's the case? Because if not there's NO reason from his POV to be S. We're getting along swimmingly. And as a conflict avoider he needs lots of motivation to take drastic steps towards getting an apartment and S on his own. I had, in a frustrated state, suggested S about 2 months prior to him leaving.

Confused. Any and all help appreciated.

[Gingersnap]

~bump...any thoughts? I know it sounds silly to be worried things are going well - but if they are and there's no talk of R or getting help where does that leave us?

[SallyM]

(((HUGS))) gingersnap, you are so sweet jumping in to my posts, glad to see you starting your own thread. I don't have a lot to say right now, other than I sure wish I could understand what is in your H's head (or what is in any of our h's heads).

the "you're too sexy" I get, btdt. the ily's are foreign territory to me since this all began.

I wish I were more help. maybe I'll be clearer in a day or so and have some insight for you. just know I appreciate your support, and hopefully someone will do a better job than I have supporting you.

[Gingersnap]

thanks, Morgan. You have been helpful....it helps to know someone is just *hearing* me. I just read these sitches and don't see mine reflected in very many. I am thankful for the good but my H is a conflict avoider....so "good" isn't necessarily really good. It's just filler.

Nursing the stomach flu the kids gave me...so I'm off to bed early tonight. H usually doesn't call at night if he calls in the am. Suppose he doesn't want to get my hopes up too high *rolls eyes*.

[789]

Suppose he doesn't want to get my hopes up too high *rolls eyes*.

I don't think any WAS wants to do that, whether they are still thinking in their own warped mines or done with us. I heard so many times while we were separated "you know this does not mean anything". In reality I truly think she was right at those times, in her mind it was just "because" or for our son.

[Trixi]

Hey Gingersnap-
Thanks for stopping by my thread. I don't have the answers either. My H is similar to yours in that he has moved out and there is no OW.

We are "dating", we ML, he calls me sexy, he ocassionally says ILYs; he says he loves me, doesn't regret our relationship; is paying the majority of the bills ... EXCEPT-he doesn't know whether or not he wants the marriage and he doesn't seem to want to "do" anything different to save it.

The marriage to my H is more "stable and loving" that a lot of marriages out there. We respect each other, love each other and have a good time together. We are best friends. We're attracted to each other. But, he wants more excitement. I think he thinks the "grass is greener" out there. He tells me "something" is missing.

So, as far as what is in your H's head--I really couldn't tell you and maybe your H couldn't tell you, either.

Have you asked him?

[mkultra]

Quick, go to the forum on MLC. You will find many interesting tidbits that will help you make sense of your H's sitch.

Some of the most helpful facts I learned was that a person in a MLC will assume a "costume" and make "transitional friends". They may seem like aliens have taken over their bodies. They may go into "replay" mode meaning they act out as if they were much younger. They may even regress their own children and treat them as though the kids were from a time where they felt more effectual orin more control of parenting. Pretty awkward considering you have an 18, 8, 5 year old.

I am so sorry that your H seems so angry right now. This also happened to my H and yes there were triggers. Death of a loved one, a violent assault, aging appearance, EA, PA, massive weight loss, cult like behavior, change in everything, clothes, music, style, conversation, demeanor, friends. It is devastating to view. BUT it is not me and it is not you and there are ways to minimize the time they are in the fog. There are ways to protect your kids also. Portect yourself if you suspect his anger could border on abuse. Verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse. My H rationalized away the verbal abuse and was one step away from physical abuse but I told him that my brother lived four blocks away and that I weighed 30 lbs more than him???!!

I may never remarry or take back my H but I believe some of the things that have happened may get him out of the fog and have protected my sanity. One thing was that early on I became very positive and never questioned him or snooped. I treated him kindly like I would a neighbor I only know in passing. I made boundaries with the kids by participating in all events as a family then eventually weened the schedule down to safe or supervised visits when I was absent. I went dark after four or five months of acting as if and set up all boundaries.

[LooseThread]

Hi Gingersnap,

I so knwo what you mean about the "you're too sexy" thing.

My h still does that, even after admitting that he has recently become 'just a little bit more than friends' with someone else.

F me....does he think he's so hot that I'll lap up anything he offers me? No...I don't really think he thinks that. I think however, that he feels so guilty for hurting me that this is the only way he knows of how to make me feel better. The problem is that it's CONFUSING!!! I need the space.

If you want to check out my sitch, I have two threads. One is my initial thread which I have now abandoned but it's got the original reasons for S. The current thread is called "Time for healing without closing the door" ( I can't remember how to link)

Please read...I suspect our sitches might be very similar wrt to the sex part. I call it cake eating - but I don't think he thinks of it that way.

[nephartiti]

Hey Ginger.

Maybe your H is overwhelmed with responsibilities?

I don't know. My H is starting to come around more, but it seems that he hits a point where he is overwhelmed with anxiety and has to get out. He seems fine till the kids start acting up or if I have to do something work related (I work at home). He is ok if I tell him the kids are great. If I say S2 had an asthma attack yeterday, he gets anxious. It's weird. I was just thinking maybe your H needs that escape from the every day stuff. Heck, wouldn't that be nice if someone else did all the hard stuff and we just had to come for dinner, snuggle, ML, and then leave? My H says he is thinking of coming home, but I just don't see it happening. He will nevert be comfortable weith reality.

BTW, I am almost positive an OW is involved in my sitch, but my H stubbornly still denies it. I doubt my instincts.

I wish I could give more insight. I'm just as confused as you are. All I know is that there is NO way to know what is in their heads. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out.

BTW, most of us would just about do anything to hear an ILY from our H.

[theotherhalf]

BTW, most of us would just about do anything to hear an ILY from our H.

Amen Neph!!!