Ya see Cliffy. That's the thing. I *think* that what I want is him out of my life but that's just not possible and I'd rather us be able to work together as a partnership to parent d.
I'd like to be able to be in the same room as him and not have him 'fill the room' - he becomes huge and I can't focus on myself - all the attention goes onto him and what he is doing, feeling, saying. I wish I could focus on me adn not be rude to him.
I'm tired of having to have this wall up that I am aware of that says "dont' touch him, if you touch him, you'll end up having sex with him". I would like to be able to give him a hug and have it returned in a platonic manner instead of being tense and waiting for him to grope my bum or kiss me (which 99% of the time he ends up doing if I show him compassion). Do I have to be a bitch for him to stop sexualising every encounter that we have when we are alone? Do I need to only meet him in a public place in order to feel comfortable around him? It's kinda getting to that point....and I don't know how to explain it to him without him thinking that I think he is a lowlife. He says he is sexually addicted to me. I am uncomfortable with this and don't know what to do about it without avoiding him altogether (which is what got me into troublwe last night cos I didn't tell him my plans with the babysitter).
Casey, I don't see that you have done anything wrong. The babysitter is such a small thiing for H to blow up about.
As for the sex. You should NOT have to do something you are not comfortable with. Do NOT feel guilty for not wanting to be used. If it is not mutual, then he is using you.
Just curious, have you two always had issues with the sex or is this a fairly new development?
You are not dumb, btw. Don't be so hard on yourself.
(((HUGS)))
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
We fight... He sulks, so do I. I tiptoe round him. I try to initiate conversation and make it up to him even if he's the one that has blown up. I feel like he is ignoring me for a while till he is ready to reconnect with me. He comes back on to me physically and we ML and we rarely discuss the fight. I'm a talker...he is not. I'm keen for sex...I just don't think it's appropriate right now. I havn't got the guts to stand up for myself and then deal with his rejected behaviour (which to me looks a lot like being sulky...then I feel awful)
Crapola....wish I could get my mind of this ....I have to leave for counselling appointmetn in 25mins and all I've done all day is read stuff on here and post and stress and dread the appointment.
I've got to not 'predict' what he's going to say and do in the session. I can't possibly know so why try.
Worse still, I'm not sure what I want to say.
I told my IC on Tuesday that I didn't want to be married to him anymore. Is that really what I want? I think it is, but oh, to say it out loud in his presence will be so final. he won't listen to anything after that I am sure!
Hi cmc I think the one thing you should know is that we all have felt what u are feeling and guess what, we are still alive! Pt is, no one incident will determine the ultimate outcome here so stop freaking out, ok?
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
If he stays over then I won't have any space of my own. I will be open to scrutiny and his life will remain closed to me. This is the dynamic that I am sick of. I tell him everythign (at least I was, I'm not going to now!) and he tells me only the bits he thinks I need to know. This invariably means that he can just give me tidbits of info and I will think he's wonderful until the penny drops and he gets guilty enough about what he is doing and then drops another bomb on me.
Hey Casey,
Just read through your sitch and you are right, there are a lot of similarities with your H and mine. And the quote above is scary it's so similar. Getting anything AUTHENTIC out of my H is an ordeal. It's like dealing with a child who can't talk. He says what he *thinks* I want to hear, which more often than not is wrong anyway.
He does these things and will talk about coming home - but nothing gets fixed.
So I'll keep an eye on your sitch. I know it's hard...and like you I'm not sure it's going to be work out in the end. But stay open to it, ok?
Me (36) H (42) M (12) S-8 D-5 SS-18 D Day (PA) 12/02 S 10/03 R 1/03 S again 9/07 I choose Joy.
OK...I remove myself to the bathroom to have a bath in peace as you are in a bad mood and still hanging around even after I have tried to lighten the mood. I figure that I should just remove myself from the situation before I stuff it up even worse.
bubble bath with candles for me.
u come in to brush your teeth and then stand there and ask if you can get in with me.
wtf? stupid me just says "um, the bath's a bit small don't you think" when what I should have said is. "um...we're separated. We don't do baths together any more"
and today when I call you back (should have not bothered) we get into another discussion. I point out that I didn't feel like I could do anything right so I went to have some time alone in the bathroom and you come in without any preamble or small talk and ask to get in. Husbands and wives have baths together, boyfriends and girlfriends have baths together. Do best friends (which is what you want to be now) have baths together? Your answer??
Why not?
*speechless* I don't know wtf to say any more. You don't seem to understand the concept of intimacy and boundaries and what is appropriate and what is not. you claim that we will never be 'just best friends' as we have seen so much of each other, good and bad, so this sort of thing should be ok?? Short of cutting you out of my life altogether, how do I make you see that you need to take a big freaking step back and let me adjust.
oh and daughter?? eat your goddamn tuna at the table, not on the carpet!
My God.....I could just scream blue bloddy murder.
I know it's mean of me but I hope your parents smack some sense into you this w/e. The reality is, that even if they tried, you wouldn't listen to them anyway. _________________
To clarify....by me getting peeved because I want time to myself and I get the poops when the plans change (not his fault admittedly, d just didn't want to go with him to see his parents because she would miss out on her first gymnastics lesson) and then I (basically) demand that I get guaranteed time to myself next w/e I am being unreasonable.
does that make sense? Oh I wish I could be in his head so I understood.
I think I am just going to have to say straight out. I need time out. I don't want to see you. I don't want to prevent you seeing d so we will need to communicate around that but I don't want to spend time alone with you.
So how do you regain your territory when they have lived in the house? The house is still 50/50 so legally speaking he has every right to be there, but I need my own space. He has his own place now. I intend to not waltz in to his place whenever I think I need to (which is never!) and I don’t even know his new address! Granted, however, I must point out that up until last week, he didn’t have a place of his own so this is a new arrangement now. He still has a lot of his stuff in the house from when he moved out of the last place (that ended badly – it wasn’t a relationship but he got sick of living in someone else’s space/house, and sick of her (she’s a work colleague of his) nagging him about who he was hanging around with and to make up his mind whether he wanted to be married or not (the story he told me). Man, that’s another thing I am burning to hear the other side of the story about. From T’s point of view, why did he leave? It makes sense to hear him tell it, but I’d love to know if T saw it that way at all.
So, because in the past he hasn’t really had his own place, I haven’t really felt comfortable in ‘kicking him out’ completely because I do need him to look after d occasionally and I don’t feel that it’s fair to make it difficult for him to see her.
I feel very tense and anxious when h is in the house. I don’t feel that I can tell him this and also tell him that I would rather he not be there. He wants to spend time with me and d. I want him to spend time with d. I don’t want to spend time with him at the moment for two reasons:
1. If things are going well, I don’t want to send the wrong message that I want to be physically intimate with him. I want to develop a platonic relationship with him. 2. If things are not going well, I don’t want to get into an argument, particularly if d is in the vicinity at the time.
I guess now is the start of a new arrangement. He now has a 1 bedroom apartment about 30mins drive away and signed a 6 month lease. He wants to get somewhere closer to his work which should also mean that he’ll end up closer to d and I. I am okay with this, however, I need to draw even clearer boundaries as to what sort of contact is okay after last Friday’s adventure where he came into the bathroom while I was relaxing in a bubble bath (to avoid him and take some time for myself) to brush his teeth. He saw that I was in the bath and took his toothbrush to the laundry and brushed his teeth there (I appreciate that he didn’t invade my space then). While he was in the laundry, d came in and wanted to give me a Santa beard with the bubbles so I let her (I was hoping to be on my own for a bit longer). He then came back in to put his toothbrush back and stood there and then asked if he could get in.
I was speechless and bumbled my way through (see previous post).
What arrangements have you guys made with h coming to the house when it used to be their home too?
