There and Back, # 9

[SallyM]

what a day. nothing energizes and exhausts me like the kids that came over today to play. lol. it was a beautiful day here, so spent it outside at least. omg, is there anything better than listening to kid logic sometimes?

I did do some thinking, in spite of the chaos. I'm doing pretty good overall. was thinking a lot about my H and how tomorrow just might be tough for him, too. maybe not, he's pretty detached, (although not completely), but I could see how it could be. as much as I think his version of our marriage is the result of a combo of MLC fog/guilt/history re-write, if I take his feelings for what he says that are, its got to suck some for him, too.

I mean, think of it from his perspective. he married me 10 years ago, and he was full of hopes and dreams as to how that marriage would go. he was let down...obviously. whether I believe his disappointments are real doesn't matter. what matters is that he does feel them. he feels cheated in a way out of the life he envisioned.

yeah, he wanted the life we have now, but obviously there was something in me that never lived up to the vision he had of me. and even if its fog/rewritten history to some extent, it doesn't change things for him.

I do know the reality. I am far enough along that I know what I did or didn't do. I know what I could have done better, and what he is throwing at me that is total BS. I know that even if he denies the good or throws bad at me that never was, that even though he says it, it doesn't mean its true.

anyway, not sure if I am making sense, but I know what I mean.

so going to try to process/deal with my own emotions, but also going to try not to discount his if he does show them. if he doesn't, well, just because he feels nothing for me now, doesn't mean he didn't then. not my fault that he turned out to be an ass.

[nephartiti]

There you go, Morgan. You process very quickly. You go from dumps and hibernation to collected and accepting all in one day. You blow my mind sometimes.

You are doing great. You will get through tomorrow and realize that it wasn't nearly as bad as you thought it would be. Then Friday will come and your kids will bring you joy, the birds will be singing, and life will still be yours.

Stay strong. Stay true.

[SallyM]

I don't know if I'm processing or swinging wildly, like a pendulum, from one end to the other, lol. my friend told me I'd run thru the grief stages over and over, at a different rate and intensity as time marched on.

Its still the 17th and I'm already sad about tomorrow. weepy sad. its okay, I know I'm allowed to be sad. I'm sitting here watching sleepless in seattle for about the 3000th time. for some reason, its one of those movies I never tire of.

feeling sorry for myself. I used to think H and I had something so special. that I was so special to him. he told me so often enough, I guess I believed it. and I'm sitting here tonight watching this movie and listening to tom hanks' character talk about how special his wife was, how much she meant to him. and I just keep hearing my H tell me over and over what a rotten wife I was. what a disappointment. I don't know what I did wrong. (see, even though I know this is about him, I'm still trying to pretend I could have done something differently and made it all better/not happen)

okay, crying. I'll get over this hump, I will. and I know I can choose to remember the good things he said before all of this, or I can choose to remember the crap he's thrown at me over the last 7 months. I'm sure there is some truth to the good...probably more than the bad. I need to remember that a lot of the bad is alien spew. but still, it just really bothers me that he doesn't remember the good anymore. its completely blocked out of his mind. and that is just, well, sad.

alright people, tell me where i find a guy like tom hanks in this movie. just a nice, decent, fun, sexy, devoted man.

yeah, I know, he's fiction.

[Gingersnap]

(((((hugs back atcha Morgan!))))

of course you know what I'm about to say. The whole point is it has NOTHING to do with you. You couldn't have done anything to prevent your H from behaving this way. His actions, feelings, reactions, and moods belong to him.

And sweetie of course he loved you back when he said those sweet words. He did. He's not the same man right now. I make the same mistake of looking at my H and trying to relate him as I've always known him. And I fall flat on my face each time. He's not that person. He's gone for now. I do look for glimmers of hope he will be back soon. But alien spew is a term used because it's NOT our healthy H who's talking.

And girl...you don't need a man...your H or a Sleepless-in-Seattle-fairytale-who doesn't-exist-irl-man. You are beautiful and whole all on your own. Don't look for validation out of a man. You'll be disappointed every time.

Have a good cry and grieve a little. It's ok.

[SallyM]

thanks, gingersnap.

I know I don't need a man, but damn, I miss one. I miss the company. I miss the sex. I miss the companionship. I know I can be alone and all that. I do. but overall, I am a partner person. just trying to remember that not all men suck. not all men lie and cheat and betray and rewrite history to suit their own selfish wants and desires.

[Gingersnap]

oh girl I'm right there with you. I can pep talk all day long but living without sex scares me half to death..lol. My M has been vacant and dead for so long I'm used to the loneliness, I suppose. And in a strange way I feel much LESS lonely with H gone. But I've been there..lying next to a stranger in my bed who didn't give a rats @ss about me. It hurt. And yes - I do believe there are good ones out there (I've just never met one *grimace*)

[789]

Going into hiding, sounds like man bashing time.

:*)

[Gingersnap]

awww.....not at all 789. I prefer to keep my bashing to a minimum most of the time. The guys here who are fighting and standing for their M's while their WAWs hang out with OMs are truly inspirational. I've just never met one irl

[789]

Sad thing is, in real life I don't know of any either but me.
I am just like a weeble wabble, I keep bouncing back and she can't get rid of me.

[SallyM]

no, not man bashing. I love men...I've been boy crazy my whole life. I think guys are, in general, awesome. just feeling a bit hurt and rejected and sad, I guess. H was someone I really trusted and believed in...still stunned that he has gone this route, that this is where our marriage ended up. I never in my wildest imaginations ever expected it.

gingersnap, it was worse when he was in the house. so much worse. I hated him sleeping on the couch more than he hated sleeping on it, I would say. at least with him gone the rejection isn't in my face every minute.

I'll be fine, I know I will. with him, on my own, with someone else, I really will be fine. just hard at times, and this is definitely one of those times.

gearing up for his phone call in the morning. need to have my response ready for when he asks, "are you okay?"

eta, the guys I've met here, especially the ones I met irl last weekend, are amazing. they are what gives me hope that not all guys are like this. trust me, if h is like this, I could easily believe it of anyone. but the guys I went out with...atgo, sots, swashy, exiled, lord grenville, and jackw (even though he got lucky and got to go to the sox game instead of out with us) are solid gold.