cat. I dont even think that would be considered a compromise. I just dont understand how I can do it and she is incapable...I think unwilling is the more frustrating part. My W does do things when she gets home as well...(there is no chocolate covered bon bons and poodles involved) I don't know if I just have the most "mismanaged home in entire creation" or what but it's beyond a fulltime job! It just would make things seem a little more fluid if there was another pair of hands and eyes to assist. I just would like a small half hour of downtime to at least focus on my thoughts not those of others. But thank you for the congrats! I do feel a lot better even though it doesnt seem like it I am focused and that feels real good.
High, I never expects "pearls" of wisdom...I dont like pearls..you know what the inmates do with pearls.... I am just spouting and wondering about how to ease the stream of frustration. I know it's tiresome to here but I appreciate that all of you out there are REALLY out there....
no, it shouldn't be compromise, it just reminds me when I had my 2nd child and was home for 2mths, how I was able to cook, clean, mind the kids take them out and heal from a Csection, my H would overheat if I asked him to do more than 2 things and would joke saying "but i'm not superhuman like you!" Thing is, he took so much because I let him, now and then I'd had it, hand him the baby and say "I need a break now" and close the door, despite the crying and fighting (from kids) I could hear outside my door. Unless blood was seeping from under it I wouldnt' open the door, despite a small part of me wondering "I bet the baby is wet and that he didnt' warm up the boy's food", etc etc., I forced myself to take my rest despite whatever crisis was going on out there.
Go on, take your 30mins, she sure gives herself 'til 9:30 to get to work, you should get your 30 darn it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Wiping off the day old candy from my clothes and sitting down to reflect for a moment. Thanks Cat for the "good vibes"...unfortunately I don't think they arrived or quite possibly they missed their mark!
I am coming up to the "anniversary" of the bomb and all its granduer this weekend 11-04. The past week was one of intensity within and of course for the sake of being redundant all too famaliar...(even I am bored of writing the same words). I could scour my thread and see constant remarks from myself that things are getting or back to where they once were before the bomb, this past weekend the "old script" was pulled out and we had a reunion performance. The stress of the house has been bubbling for quite some time now and for some strange reason I was using pasts strategy to try and remedy the situation. I have been breaking my back trying to solve everything, constantly asking "is there anything else I can do for you?" I have looked over my shoulder to see the same things that plagued our relationship before. I dont go anywhere except for shuttling kids, domestic chores and occasionally a AA meeting here and there. My W has been cracking at the seams and the HUGE sighs are back, the quiet barbs in conversation and her "lashes" at everyone are in full cycle. She complained that she doesnt go anywhere with her friends, we dont go anywhere together and don't do anything together. She is right for the most part. I have told her that I have no problem with her going anywhere with her friends and that the reason she doesnt go anywhere with her friends is not because of me. She said that I dont plan for the sitter and plan evenings out anymore. Again, she is partly right. I told her that I had planned to go out of town to Las vegas or san Fran for our anniversary but she didnt want to. I had also planned for nights out but she either didnt feel well or wasnt up to it. I am a person that takes guilt rather freely. It comes often even when my hands are clean. I then told her what I have said countless times in the past, "WE have donated our lives to the children. Everything we do we do for them." The onlhy times we have together is watching TV for an hour or two in the evening. This is not one of my favorite pasttimes. I am ignorant enough, I dont need help draining my brain cells. I dont consider myself a "tv snob" it's just that I dont find much entertainment out of what programs the tv writers are "rehashing" old material or trying to shock me. With my life, "shocking" me is a tall order. My W has mentioned more and more about the guy she works with and I recognize these remarks to be similiar to a year ago about "Lost boy". This time I feel much different though. Sadly, I really don't care anymore. I am kind of resigned to the fact that "it is what it is...you have to get companionship somewhere" I am giving what I can and for right now it's not enough. She keeps referring to "that girl" and that I am seeing her on the sly and that I am just going through the motions. None of this is true...I am happy for the upcoming change in my career but I feel at this moment I need to trigger a lot of changes. Meanwhile, while this is all carouseling through our heads our adjustable rate mortgage has gone up and the W is pleading for a refinance. I came up to her while she was on the computer and she was busy buying her stockload of clothes on ebay. I mentioned "Don't you think we should be waiting till after Christmas before we start buying things for ourselves?" She shrugged her shoulders and said "you know that's what I do when I get depressed." My oldest is still "swinging suicidal" his grades are still swirling in the academic toilet and none of my efforts have brought any fruit. I couldnt get a appt any sooner than next thurs. So I am WAAAAY stressed and concerned over this. I live my life like a bundle of emotions, always have....I cant be clinical. I am wondering if Psychs pushing pills for remedies isnt taking care of the problem, merely masking it. S (11) has been gone to outdoor school all week and I hate to admit it but the house is a lot quieter. There was an episode getting him on the bus on SUN. It seems all the Myspace messages and texts was brought to my W attention from one of his schoolmates mom. She showed us all the "f ck you, STFU ...etc" statements taht he had sent and sia dtaht she was concerned over her daughter well being. We brought to her attention that road has two directions and we have been bombarded by texts, phone calls, computer time by her daughter as well with a sailors tongue. Funny , when we got home and checked his myspace her profile had all but disappeared. Our S swore that she was the one at fault and my W believed him...I actually don't. He can be a little swarmy and sneaky. But what I think evaporates as soon as it is spoken. That was brought up as well to my W and of course it was me "Being Paranoid and defensive" Sooo...an wise wacky "sage" on these boards stated I need a vacation.....hmmmmm..."one mouse click away...once again." We had an OK time taking the little one out for Halloween last night but the streets strangely were vacant....much like my mind or heart I guess...Somewhere along the way I will learn..I am not playing games anymore, I am going to stick my finger down my throat in hopes I can regurgitate the guilt....peace all
Whapu, I wish I knew some wise words that would provide you some comfort, but alas I do not. Maybe a repeat trip through the pages of DR would help.
Also, and I could be wrong here, but you do not seem happy within yourself, or even capable of being that way? If a man is not happy inside he cannot be happy with anyone or anything around him. I guess what I am saying is you might need to work on you a little bit more?
Me 45 WAW 46 Married 23yrs D22 S18 D12 W moved out 1/12/07 Divorce Final 2/06/08
hey W, I pray that you remain strong during these trying times, I can see myself whining to my H about not doing anything (like your W), when in fact it is both responsibilities (H and W) to keep the M happy, so I hope you stop berating yourself for that. Negative reinforcement leads nowhere, poster child talking here.
I pray your s gets good help, I dont' think meds mask a problem any more than insuline masks diabetes, it is just adjusting the imbalance in his system, it must be so hard dealign with him and school.
A person with all the support you have given me isnt' empty W, we are just walking on the dark side of the road for now, there is so much goodness in you, I dont' want you to loose sight of what a valuable person you are)))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I'll throw in a 'ditto' here. I think you already know that you have to find your own happy. No easy task under the circumstances, but who said anything worthwhile is easy?
My mama taught me a long time ago that if I don't learn my lesson the first time, nature will provide ways for me to learn it over and over again until I finally do. Details change, but the core principle is always at the root of the problem.
Whapu, it breaks my heart to think that you're just back in the same-old rut and feeling so lost and helpless. You deserve to be at peace with yourself and your life, even moreso considering all you've been through.
The chaos will continue to swirl about you...maybe even get more intense as you get closer to finding your truth, but you have it in you to beat it.
Friends...You know at times I get confused on my thread for one reason....I use this board for 2 purposes...to keep in touch with some pretty incredible souls I have encountered here and mainly to "journal" and futily try to stroke my writing muscle. Most of the time I am not reaching for answers on this thread because I would never hamper others with my swiping and waving for lifes answers. You all have wonderful words and I have really cherished each and every word. I sense frustration from you guys and really understand that. I love the support and admire all of your thoughts. Just to give a "snapshot" of Yesterday I had some email biting with my W over tonight's festivities..she is going out with her friends for awhile and I decided that since she was going out I would FINALLY have a guy come over from work to work on some jamming and music. She was angry because she thought I would be having "that girl" over. I told her not even a thought in my head...just want an opportunity to play music for a change. It got resolved because I just said go out have fun and I will do the same. So anyway, nothing new to really relate..PEACE
Hey Whapu, no one has ever said that Piecing is easy did they. Many even say it is the hardest part of the journey. Why do you think that is?
I think it is because we focus so much on what we want that we don't really think about all the details that go along with our desires. We do not mentally prepare ourselves for the challenges that we are sure to face.
From what I have read, there is guilt, fear, trust issues, and self doubt. Let alone your issues..... Get it, remember that wifey poo still has lots of issues to deal with and your journey to be her support and friend does not end upon her recomiiting to your marriage.
Turning a broken marriage around sometimes means that even though our partner can walk on their own now, sometimes we still carry them part of the way just because we are strong enough to do so.
Hang in there buddy, I think you are doing better than you think you are.......
I sure hope your friend came over and you had a good time,and also hope that this is not the last time in this century you get something you want, have some time to yourself. Rinse and repeat whapu
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.