More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

Hi all. Have posted previously under "newcomers" but have had some updates since that time. Quick summary:

Met my wife when I was 18, she was 17. Married 6 years later - 14th anniversary is coming up in early November. We have 3 children D13, D11 and S8.

We have had issues in the past and she spent a few months at her mother's house about 3 years ago. We worked through immediate issues but never really learned how to keep things going. She moved back in and the next 3 years really seemed to be great. In fact this past summer was one of the best I can remember in a long time - except for the fact that we spent far too much time on the weekends (almost every one) socializing. We didn't make time for ourselves nor as a family.

2 days after Labor Day I came home with the kids and my wife was sending a text message. Nothing too out of the ordinary but when we walked up the stairs into the kitchen where she was standing, she closed the phone real quick. Something clicked in my head. A few moments later she received a message - it was a picture of another man.

We quickly progressed from "I have no idea who that was" to "he's someone I've been talking to in game" (she plays EverQuest - online game - with my sister and her husband, and apparently "some guy"). She told me that he is only a friend and that his MySpace picture was out of date so he wanted to send an updated one. She also told me he was married with 3 children and lived 8 hours away.

Over the next couple of days I took a little extra interest in her game - I admit I was suspcious and was watching what she was saying and what HE was saying. Eventually, I had the proof that there was something going on.

This is actually a very long story but I'm trying to keep it as lean as possible.

I confronted her with the proof and at first her reaction was I love you, but not in love... and then said she wanted a divorce.

The next day I told her that she would have to choose life with me or life without me. She would need to decide to stay and work out the issues for real or that she would have to leave. That may have been arrogant, or callous, or inappropriate (especially with 3 kids) but at the time it seemed to make sense. I go back and forth as to whether or not I was right. It was far from a nasty conversation except for her reaction. We had a terrible argument that evening after the kids were in bed.

The next day we went for a drive up to the local lake. She told me she wasn't looking for anything and the she never meant to hurt me. She said she would stop playing the game, end the relationship with him and stay home to work things out.

I was elated.

She cried for the next 3 days. She then realized that she was going to do something for herself and not for me, not for "us". She wanted to leave. She would find a job and get an apartment so she could find what it was she needed.

At this point I bought Divorce Remedy.

The OM backed away and they no longer spoke on the phone. It turns out he was separated from his wife and he needed space to figure out what was right for him. They still played the game but were no longer having the same types of conversations and did not spend any time "alone", so to speak.

On Columbus Day, my wife and I had a very pleasant and long talk about the situation. She wasn't ready to say that she wanted to fix the marriage but divorce was no longer the first thing on her mind. She said that if she had left "back then" it would have been for the wrong reason. She still wanted to get out on her own but wanted to do it for herself. I also asked her to let me know if she ever wanted to try to reconnect. She told me that during the summer she felt we weren't connecting so she took it upon herself to fix it alone, without saying anything was wrong. I didn't want to miss any signs or opportunities the next time around.

I didn't like it but I felt I had to let her go and do this. Meanwhile I could practice my DR techniques while she was still in the house. I thought I did pretty well with the 180 and GAL, although there were some slip ups.

This past weekend she had a very long conversation in-game with this guy because she needed closure. He indicated that he felt that there was a chance they could become a couple once he had his stuff worked out. Prior to this, she had promised me that should not speak to him about anything non-game related. She said she would no longer pursue a relationship with him but here she was, pushing to get him back. I found out about this and we had an argument.

So we were back to "this marriage is irreparable and I have no desire to fix it". She told me, during our argument, that she was trying to reconnect during the week after Columbus Day but now I had blown it. I missed the signs, I suppose, of the attempted reconnection (more likely, I saw them but was afraid I was just getting set up for disappointment). Besides, after the betrayal and constant back and forth on decisions, it's going to take me some time to be "reconnectable" - although I want it very much.

She wants out of the house but on her own terms. I told her she could still go to her mother's but her father is sick and she feels she won't be able to bring the kids there. She actually told me that if I make her go to her mother's house, I will be responsible for the damage done to the kids. I refused to accept that but in the end, agreed she should stay until she could find a place more acommodating to the kids.

This whole time my friends, family and neighbors have asked why I didn't throw her out when I first found out about the affair - when I finally had the proof. My only answer is that I love her. Or, maybe my self-esteem has been trampled so low, I'm simply not strong enough to do it.

So we are still in the same bedroom (that has to change but she has a sinus infection so I will probably stay on the couch until she's on the mend), she still plays the game, she still wants to be with the OM and she wants me to give up all hope of reconciliation.

Needless to say, it's not a pretty picture. I guess my questions at this point are:

1) Can I, should I, make her stop playing the game? It seems obvious right up front but there are nagging questions about the damage it would do. But what about the damage the game (or her irrespsonbibility with playing it) has already done and will continue to do? There is no force involved with making the gaming stop, I can block the ports on the router and make it inaccessible.

2) Should I have her move to her mothers? Will there be more damage done to the kids by having them see her less often than if she had a place of her own? I recommended to her that she could take them to the park or even have them up here - I would simply go out. The last thing I want to do is hurt them anymore than they will already hurt by her leaving. Having her stay here, however, does not lend itself to a very family oriented environment. We don't argue in front of them (thank god for email). It's just that they complain about how much time she's on the game and that she is never outside with them. Not bashing her here but she didn't play with the kids once this past summer - my office is downstairs looking directly into the yard. She spent her summer on the game.

3) Is it possible to go dark with her still in the house? I can try the LRT but, as with going dark, it just seems that the kids may be hurt by mommy and daddy's lack of communication.

My opinions vary on all of these. It depends on the day, or even the time of day. I am falling out of love with her now and that's the last thing I want. Although I have to admit it makes the days less stressful for me and I get more sleep.