ILY's & ML...no fights..this is a strange S! Help!

[Gingersnap]

Ok guys, I've lurked....I've posted to a few of your sitch's. I need some input because I'm going batty.

H decided to get an apartment 3 weeks ago. His dad had just passed away, and he completely shut down after a full year of coldness/detachment from our M. His behavior made me suspect an A...and when I pressed for an answer it drove him further away. I had caught him in many time-related lies that showed he was hiding something. He said he needed space from constantly being yelled at and interrogated (trust me...this was not common. Maybe 2 confrontations when I discovered deception). Other MLC symptoms included listening to violent, angry music and talking about people in a hostile manner where he never did before. Lots of respect issues with women in general, racism, etc.

When he left there was so much relief. No more hostility and hatred aimed at me in my own home. I started to relax and not react to to negative stimuli. So I guess DBing (which I knew about pre-S) was a natural thing for me. I never...I mean it, NEVER call him. I don't ask questions about our M. I'm cordial and a bit cool towards him.

Meanwhile, we haven't told the kids and he's here every day he has off from after school until bedtime to tuck them in. They seem oblivious. He's much nicer to me - helps around the yard and house, initiates safe conversation, etc. He is working extra to pay for his apartment and puts the usual amount in our joint account.

Early on I got occasional hugs and reassurance that he didn't want a D...that we would be ok. I didn't need the reassurance, wasn't sure I was planning on staying married myself. This is the 2nd separation and part of me is SO DONE with him not getting help (conflict avoider, childhood issues).

So last night he comes over for dinner and I decide to cook for the first time. I want him to enjoy at home time but not be a cake eater by getting home cooked meals whenever. After dinner he wants to snuggle on the couch. One thing leads to another and we ML. We had both agreed it was a bad idea to do this early on and I was the first to say "I shouldn't have done that". He agreed but says I'm too sexy to resist...blah blah. Called when he got to his apartment to say goodnight. He called this morning and ends convo with ILY. Second ILY of S.

I know we need this S. I don't WANT him to come home before he's looked deep inside and committed to changing. But I think he views this as "when you straighten up I'll come home". No mention of M from him so I have no clue why we're S from his POV.

So PLEASE...what is in his HEAD? I don't know why he would do this drastic a step unless there's an OW. Do you all think that's the case? Because if not there's NO reason from his POV to be S. We're getting along swimmingly. And as a conflict avoider he needs lots of motivation to take drastic steps towards getting an apartment and S on his own. I had, in a frustrated state, suggested S about 2 months prior to him leaving.

Confused. Any and all help appreciated.