There and Back, # 9

[SallyM]

what a day. nothing energizes and exhausts me like the kids that came over today to play. lol. it was a beautiful day here, so spent it outside at least. omg, is there anything better than listening to kid logic sometimes?

I did do some thinking, in spite of the chaos. I'm doing pretty good overall. was thinking a lot about my H and how tomorrow just might be tough for him, too. maybe not, he's pretty detached, (although not completely), but I could see how it could be. as much as I think his version of our marriage is the result of a combo of MLC fog/guilt/history re-write, if I take his feelings for what he says that are, its got to suck some for him, too.

I mean, think of it from his perspective. he married me 10 years ago, and he was full of hopes and dreams as to how that marriage would go. he was let down...obviously. whether I believe his disappointments are real doesn't matter. what matters is that he does feel them. he feels cheated in a way out of the life he envisioned.

yeah, he wanted the life we have now, but obviously there was something in me that never lived up to the vision he had of me. and even if its fog/rewritten history to some extent, it doesn't change things for him.

I do know the reality. I am far enough along that I know what I did or didn't do. I know what I could have done better, and what he is throwing at me that is total BS. I know that even if he denies the good or throws bad at me that never was, that even though he says it, it doesn't mean its true.

anyway, not sure if I am making sense, but I know what I mean.

so going to try to process/deal with my own emotions, but also going to try not to discount his if he does show them. if he doesn't, well, just because he feels nothing for me now, doesn't mean he didn't then. not my fault that he turned out to be an ass.