atgo, I'm trying. I'm very sentimental/very much a person who loves "days" so I know myself what importance it holds to me. it won't be another day to me. I need to accept that and allow myself to feel/do what feels right to me. what I also need to realize is that for h, it likely is just another day. and he is busy with work and such, so there is a good chance he won't even remember what day it is tomorrow...will be distracted.
I will not be disappointed if he doesn't acknowledge the day. okay, that's a lie, there is a small part of me that wishes he would, but the logical part of me understands that he most likely won't. I mean, what is there to say? "happy anniversary, honey?" this is a man who denies happiness in our marriage, who left our marriage and who has lied and betrayed on so many levels. the only thing I should expect from him at this point is more lies and betrayals.
sorry, as I told you all on saturday, I'm bitter. bit old pot of bitter stew cooking right now. lol.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
morgan, I would let the plans happen. I think avoiding him on purpose (not him noticing though) would make it harder on you. Its another day...its another day... I think he will remember it and if anything, even if he doesn't acknowledge it, you know he is thinking about it.
its funny, lwb, I am trying to think about what I will say if he does bring it up (that miniscule chance that he will). I already know what I will say when he says he wants a divorce. I'm such a ducks in a row person, I swear I need a script sometimes. wish I was as cool as you.
if he brings it up I think what i am going to do is try to just listen, let him talk. think about what I am going to say instead of just blurting it. I tend to talk first/think after sometimes, so my goal right now is to just think of you all and be silent at first, then respond. will try not to get into anything if possible, and if I find myself getting too emotional, will tell him so and tell him I need to do this another day.
one of the things I used to do was run away from confrontations/arguments. I still do a little bit, but have gotten much, much better since I started therapy. what I need to realize, though, is that there are times that it is okay to walk away. like the other week when we talked and I was so upset, I tried to leave a few times and H would berate me for it, saying, oh, there I am, walking away and such. so I would stay and take whatever abuse he was hurling at me. but what my friend reminded me later is that it is okay to walk away sometimes. so I will try to remember that.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
just had a thought about last night and h being an ass to me. we had 2 calls on caller id from yesterday...one when I was out and about, so was just a hang up. the other got thru, but was a wrong number. both were from law firms (well, the one I answered was from a law firm, the one I didn't sounds like one). hmmmm. wonder if H checked caller id history and thinks I am up to something?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
wonder if H checked caller id history and thinks I am up to something
You might be onto something there. He has been known to check your phone. That's a good possibility. Don't you love the trust they have in us? And here we are, having done nothing wrong.
I actually meant to delete caller id history just because of those calls, and forgot. now, I feel like if I delete them, they somehow make me look "guilty." ugh.
such a theme...I've done nothing wrong, and am getting reamed for it.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
okay, have to laugh, thinking about christmas. not that its funny, but hey, maybe this year I should go ahead and do a letter. so many of our friends/family are from around the country, more than not don't know what is going on. omg, I have the funniest letter running thru my head.
S5 is doing so well in kindergarten. he continues to shock and amaze all who meet him with his academic prowress, and this summer, well, we were thrilled to find out he actually can catch a ball. once. by mistake. but he did it! its in the baby book.
D3 is a prima ballerina now, and even though her plies look more like squats, we know she'll be accepted by the boston ballet in the very near future.
S3 (aka, velcro) continues to dazzle us with his ability to separate from mom for 2.5 hours 2x a week for preschool. we hear he even observes other children as they go about their activity. big news, that. we are sure next year he may actually want to paint something himself.
H has had a very busy year. between screwing his wife and screwing his mistress, well, the very fact that he is still able to stand is a feat of immense proportions.
morgan, well, she continues to amaze all by merely getting up in the morning.
Sorry I am not on much and just starting to catch up on some threads, but this cracked me up big time that ended up spilling my drink on the keyboard.
Guess I better keep reading.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
Could it be that either way, H is screwed about remembering/acknowledging your anniversary? That is, if he doesn't say anything you'll think he's an ass (i.e. he just dismissed the day that we married which resulted in these 3 great kids...)and if he does say or do something, then you perhaps might think why say anything at all? (that is, you're gone, living with OW, what do you want of ME?) Does it really matter if he responds one way or the other?
Make the day about yourself. Reflect on it. It was a happy time. You have three beautiful children who are here as a result of that event. It isn't something to be dismissed by you, but you need to figure out a way to process it in a way that is good for you, or at least, not as hurtful. I've always been of the mindset that you need to process through the feelings, not try to bury them. So do whatever you need to do tomorrow to get through the day; have a plan, have a backup (because things never go the way you intend) and just know that either way your H is screwed. He will not do anything right tomorrow with respect to your anniversary. Not because he might try, but because of the current sitch. Just knowing this relieves the pressure somewhat. It doesn't matter what he does/does not do.
What matters is YOU.
Quote:
what I need to realize, though, is that there are times that it is okay to walk away. like the other week when we talked and I was so upset, I tried to leave a few times and H would berate me for it, saying, oh, there I am, walking away and such.
Oh, I hear you on this one. My IC suggested that I just tell H what my process is so he knows that I am not trying to be a bitch and overtly dismiss him, but rather I need a few minutes to collect myself. If you are just walking away but not letting H know what YOU need, then of course H is going to go off the deep end. The WAS thinks things are all about them anyway. Turn the tables. Say what you need.
Me: 41 H: 42 Married: 13Y, together 24 Kids: S11, S9, D6 Bomb: 7/11/06, now piecing
Just read through your thread. It's funny, because as a guy, I don't know how anyone can walk out on their kids. Your soty about S5 ripped my heart out. I don't know where they find these people like on Oprah, but Divorce is the most painful thing a spouse can do, besides have an affair and then file for divorce. I miss my kids tremendously, and my W. wants out becasue "her emotional needs were not satisfied by me" How he can stay away from what are probably the three most adorable kids on the planet boggles my mind. Why my wife wants my kids to not have a dad at home 100% of the time is also beyond me, but it is what it is....
789, sorry 'bout the keyboard. that's the second one I've indirectly injured on this board. lol.
care, thanks so much for heading over here. you know how inspired I am by your own story. I absolutely agree with you...right now, H is damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. I'm going to do my best to make the day about me and the blessings of my marriage (my children) and work on processing whatever it is I am feeling. I used to hate that term, but I'm starting to like it more...makes me feel more active than simply letting the emotions wash over me.
will also try to be better about telling him what i need when things get heated...stopping and actually saying the words. it is NOT easy for me to tell him what I need, or anyone for that matter. I'm a nurturer, I like to provide for others needs, hard for me to ask for my needs to be met. something for me to think about (and process).
if you ever want to try to meet up in person again, care, I would love it. my e-mail is morganagain at gmail.com
FLTC, it amazes me, too. especially not giving the marriage a chance first. its one thing to exhaust all avenues and to finally realize there is no choice, but to just leave casually boggles my mind. I guess I'm a fighter, though. and I believe there is an ebb and a flow in relationships that is normal...a few years I felt a bit of an ebb, but instead of leaving my marriage or engaging in an affair, I threw myself into it until I felt the flow surge again.
Last edited by morgan; 10/17/0709:04 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
