muddled and angry: Puddle's third thread

[Nomopo]

Puddle -- OM = other man. Ow = other woman. Has H gone gay?

[Puddle]

Whooops. Not that I know of, though I don't have access to the voices he hears coming through those antennae...

[Bill_S]

Hi Puddle. Thanks for the initial visit. Wasnt sure I should be on here but Im glad I am now. I guess we all need support with this stuff.

Dont know your exact situation so I cant say much. I just wanted to say Hi and try to be a little encouraging.

Hang in there.

Bill

[Not Much Left]

Hey Puddle, how are you feeling late afternoon?

[Heimlich]

You could go with OC - Other Cow. Someone here (Donna maybe?) coined that one.

Agree 110% on not bringing a dog home only to take it away when he leaves.

Aliens have fried your H's brain.

BD

[Nomopo]

It was CW, but I suggest you stay away from that one.

[new_attitude]

You could go with OC - Other Cow.

How about COW (coveted other woman)?

[Puddle]

Hey Bill! Thanks for stopping by. Support is *always* welcome, and I'm feeling especially in need of it today, so thanks very much for posting.

CVA, hey man! I'm feeling okay. Had a downer of a day---never managed very much to turn it around---but tomorrow will be better. Thanks for asking.

I talked to one of my closest friends today, who's very, very far away. Had a good talk. She said she couldn't hear that I sounded down, and I took that as a good sign. I'm honest with her, so I think my down is pretty relative right now. I sure miss her. Wish she were closer.

She broke the news that the daughter of a friend of ours (daughter is a few years older than I) finally died of the cancer she'd been fighting for years. She gathered her family around, ate a meal of her favorite foods (she hadn't been eating for a long while), spent special time with and gave gifts to each of her kids (they're between 10 and 14), and off she went.

It was devastating to hear, but again reminded me of all I have to be grateful for. Whatever happens, I'm not saying goodbye to my children. It feels disrespectful to the positive things in my life to put the emphasis on the negative. I'm feeling pretty philosophical and teary right now, but I know I'll be just fine. And so will my kids.

Heim, I don't know what's up with the aliens. I know the emphasis here is on the "real" WAS, the one we knew before. But honestly, I don't know who this guy is, I don't respect much of what he's doing, and I don't like him much.

NA, thanks, COW! I remember that. Right now I wish them longevity and happiness with their canine friends. Hell, maybe I'll even break down and get 7-year-old the long-wished-for dog. (Unlikely.)

Finally, back to those posts I missed last night.

I'm having a little difficulty understanding your H's mindset.
(I had to LOL after typing that...)

Hee hee. Thanks, sunny, that made me laugh, too. I'm pretty baffled by H, and concerned for him. He says he's not unhappy but will be if he stays, so he's fleeing the unhappiness he's sees coming. That strikes me as negative instead of positive. And in the meantime, he's distressed and stressed out. I'll be curious to see how he's doing after he leaves, but I'm afraid both that he'll continue to be miserable and that he'll be happy. Can I get a detachment, anyone? Hello?

Somehow I can just tell you're an excellent writer, what type do you do now & what would you change to?

Thanks, sunny. I write and edit travel guides, and I could make more money doing technical (boring) editing (wouldn't attempt the writing---too hard, I'm too technically uninclined, and writing takes me much longer than editing). I need to look into making the switch from consumer stuff to technical. I have no idea how to do it, but I have a decent network who may be able to help.

Hey NA, finally getting back to you.

I think I have some idea what your H means by "putting a positive spin on" telling the kids (don't hold it against me!) ;\)

Never. I actually understand what he's saying, too. I'm just not sure how such a conversation would go.

she told him that that's what we should tell the kids, a simplified version of the truth. Everything that I have read about discussing difficult topics with kids says that you should keep it simple and then answer their questions truthfully and as best you can.

Yeah, I get this. I'm not sure what a simplified version in our case means other than "We'll be happier this way." I absolutely don't want to say anything about "while we work things out" or "for right now." I have no illusions that H is working on anything or even considering ever returning, and I don't want to give the kids false hope.

I'm all for answering their questions. My kids may surprise me, but the 7-year-old is extremely tight-lipped, so I'd be surprised if he said anything other than, okay, can we watch Batman? And I don't expect the 4-year-old to get much.

Unlike some others here, I don't think that you should tell them that you and H don't love each other anymore

And that wouldn't be true. We do, but it's not enough for H. We'll have to qualify that one, if we mention it at all.

they may start to think that your love for them could end, even if you word it in a way that tells them that mommys and daddys love each other differently than parents and kids do. I think that's too complicated for little kids.

Yeah, this is why I want to talk to the kid C. There's a lot here that I think is too complicated for them. I think regardless of what we say they're going to hear: papa's leaving. Period. Remember the Far Side cartoon about what the master says and what the dog hears? "Fido, blah blah blah blah, Fido, blah blah blah." Kinda like that, but with kids.

I hope I've helped you some. I know how much you're dreading this talk, but you're doing a great job preparing for it.

I appreciate all your comments. Like I told you before, I'm kind of amazed to find people still standing on the other side of this conversation. Hearing from people who've been through it that life goes on after the talk is encouraging. So thanks.

H said last night he's realized that removing all his things from the house might also hit the kids hard. I thought, finally, he's thinking about them. But today a friend of mine said, "But it's reality. Why keep things hanging around to remind them that he's gone?" Something to ask the kid counselor about when we meet with him/her. He also sent me links to a bunch of kid books he's found about mommy and daddy separating. Ugh.

Now I have to think about space issues. H asked me last night if I'd like him to come over every night (right now and for a while we've split weeknights) until the kids are in the bath, regardless of whether it's "his" night or not. He wondered whether I'd rather not have him around on "my" nights.

I think I'd prefer that he weren't there, but my guess is the kids would prefer that he were. It's something I'll have to figure out over time, I think. I'm not going to say anything right now. If the kids strongly prefer he's there, I think eventually either I won't be there, or if they strongly prefer that both H and I are there, I may be able to work that out for them.

Right now I'm getting the sense that the distance he'll be gaining by moving out is going to translate for me into more face-time, and I may need more distance than that. Any thoughts?

Thanks, as usual, to you all for checking up on me. I appreciate the support.

Take care.

[Bill_S]

Hi again.
Sorry to hear about all the other stress....
Do you think his wanting to be there until the kids are in bed is for them or to be around you more? Or both? I havent had a chance to read your other posts much but hes a very confused man.

[SunnySeason]

Hey Pud,

Have to make this a drive-by since H is due back from dinner soon.

Heim, I don't know what's up with the aliens. I know the emphasis here is on the "real" WAS, the one we knew before. But honestly, I don't know who this guy is, I don't respect much of what he's doing, and I don't like him much.

That's what's at the forefront of my mind at the moment also, I'm not sure if it helps with the detachment, or cancels it out with the sadness of the whole thing.

so he's fleeing the unhappiness he's sees coming. That strikes me as negative instead of positive. And in the meantime, he's distressed and stressed out

Ditto this also! Doesn't seem logical, does it?

too complicated for them. I think regardless of what we say they're going to hear: papa's leaving. Period. Remember the Far Side cartoon about what the master says and what the dog hears? "Fido, blah blah blah blah, Fido, blah blah blah." Kinda like that, but with kids.

One of my all time favorite Far Sides. I refer to it often.

Now I have to think about space issues. H asked me last night if I'd like him to come over every night (right now and for a while we've split weeknights) until the kids are in the bath, regardless of whether it's "his" night or not. He wondered whether I'd rather not have him around on "my" nights.

My H comes over about 3 nights a week & has at least one sleep over.
The kids love it....me...not so much, although it's getting easier all the time.
You'll probably ease into something that works for both of you as time goes by.

Take Care,

Sunny