NikkiB #21

[S.T. _I Made It!]

agree with Ellie on the rewording.

In regards to moving out: I just don't want you to get screwed. However, I can totally understand you not wanting to be there for the emotional/sanity reasons. Definitely get that sep agreement in writing and signed and notorized or whatever has to be done to be legal, then move.

you know, what really will shock him is going to be you still GALing and finding your own happiness, even though he is screwing up your life that you thought you had, but you don't let him and you move on just fine, while he...thinks he's moved on, but he's still unhappy. One day, he's gonna figure this out, and it might end up being too late for him. I hope not, but it sounds like he's got his work cut out for him for a quite a while.

I would take all the nice new things you put in your room and take it to the spare one. I still say it should be HIM moving into the spare room, but guess he's being selfish about that and figures he already did it the first time, now it's your turn.

well, i had a relapse on my back, due to my 3 year old having an "accident" all over me and the bathroom and it caused me to jerk hard and so I'm not doing too well right now. so I'm hoping to be able to check on you here and there. Have a good time on your little vaca, if I remember right, and let us know what the L says. I would talk to more than one though. I talked to one briefly on the phone and they didn't charge or anything, so just calling around saying you haven't gotten a lawyer yet, but wanted to know what rights you have on the house and stuff to protect yourself. I think most wouldn't mind giving you some info.

[NikB]

First things first I know I haven't checked in on lots of you in awhile and I'm sorry! I will catch up soon. Just dealing with my own re-mess at the moment.

Thanks Dave, Julie, ST.

Julie
Good reminder, thanks. I can be sooo hard on myself.

ST
Ah thank you for clarifying on the moving out. I do need to get real legal advice on that (more in a minute).

I think he's gonna be quite shocked when me moving out doesn't instantly make him happy. Although he has said a few times "I'll probably just end up alone and miserable" - so maybe he sees it some.

I haven't actually asked him about moving into the other room. I kinda feel like *I* need to take action. Any attempt to ask him to move there would just come off as manipulation, time to just take care of me.

Unfortunately all the nice stuff I got for our master bedroom totally won't work in the spare room. The carpet color alone is so far off it would look awful, plus there's no room for a King size bed. But, I have some ideas and started on it a bit today (also more in a minute). It'll be a nice room for me for now, and I figure it's a start on a guest room for my new place if I do move.

I'm so sorry to hear about your back!! I hope it feels better very soon. If you can be at the computer long enough you'll have to read my L adventures... nightmare!! I do plan to call around since I've already gotten conflicting advice.

[NikB]

And now some journaling... sheesh... what a day!!

I'll start with the good:

- I finally picked a room in the house to make into "my" space. It's a very small bedroom. I didn't really consider it at first because it's so cramped, and it's one of those rooms where the prior owners obviously did everything halfway - i.e. there are all these mismatched built in cabinets, really ugly carpet, etc. BUT, I decided it has a whole lot going for it, too. Far more than the overstuffed office. There's not too much stuff to move to clear it out, there's one area that I could easily put a rolling garment rack (cheap at Target!) to turn it into a closet, and I figure I can put a curtain or drape or something like that across one wall to conceal the hideous cabinets AND give me a pretty large closet (and pretty cheap except the bed). It also has an attached bathroom.. not very nice but I can do a few cheap things to spruce it up. It's also on the opposite end of the house from the other bedrooms, and has both a window overlooking the backyard and door leading to it. When we first moved here we joked about it being a horrible room for a teenager because they could live in there without ever leaving and they could sneak out so easy. Good room choice at least temporarily, eh?

If anyone has good ideas for decoratively "walling off" the closet part I'd love to hear them - the ones I've thought of are gonna get the job done but look kinda cheesy, so I'm open for other thoughts!

I moved some stuff out of there tonight, and I ordered a convertible sofa today. It'll be tight, but it'll work. I hope the sofa's reasonably comfortable - it was my best option to have both a "sitting" area during the day and a bed at night. I wanted a room I could hang out in, not just sleep in, and furniture that made sense for my new place if that's what happens (I'd get a "real" bed and make this a guest bed). Here's what I got:
http://www.furnitureontheweb.com/NoFrame/items/169650nf.html

It comes in next week. Anyone have experience with these?

It looked nicer and comfier than a regular futon at least and the reviews I read online were pretty positive (and the furniture store beat the web prices by quite a bit plus will deliver and set it up for me). Hope it works out.. I couldn't find one in stock anywhere to try it out, so had to just kinda go for it.

More work to get it finished but not much more, and I'm actually excited to get it set up - surprised me, I thought it would make me sad but it hasn't (so far).

- Did great in Bellydancing! We did some actual routines and turns tonight for the first time and I felt like I was screwing up all over the place. Got frustrated but calmed down, and I did get it right a few times. Talked to the instructor a bit afterwards because today was the first time she saw me really struggle due to my muscle issues as opposed to just being unfamiliar. She was surprised the extent of my problems and said I am doing GREAT considering all that, and she feels I'm basically keeping up with the class. That felt soooo good!!!

And WOW I just have to share my L experience. I am still kind of in shock. OMG... it was horrible. This guy was a complete and total a$$. I am so amazed by HOW awful this was. I had talked to him on the phone and wasn't really impressed but I thought I'd give him a chance in person. You guys won't believe this...

Apparently he is "semi-retired" so he closed his office last year and now works from his home. Um, ok, kinda weird but I can deal with that. Remember this is the guy recommended by my legal service. So... I am driving to his house / home office and the neighborhood is SCARY. I'm not being paranoid.. it was bad. It's known around here for "pizza guys won't deliver there, too dangerous" kinda thing. I almost turned around but I somehow convinced myself I was making "excuses" because I was nervous about the appt and forced myself to go anyway. (yeah, need to trust my gut).

Guy answers the door and just looks mean. Again I thought "Well maybe I'm setting myself up not to like him since he IS a D lawyer." Um no. (again, I need to trust my gut!) So I cautiously come in and sit down at his office (aka dining table but thankfully he had to walk through the kitchen to get to "his" side - you'll see why the distance was important shortly). Here's the upshot of our conversation:

L: So. What didn't you understand from what I told you on the phone? You split the assets, you split the debts, what's the problem? You work for a financial company right? You should understand this.
[me thinking.. WTF... I just GOT here.]
Me: I understand that but had some additional questions and was hoping we could go over my actual numbers, too. I wanted to remind you I am hoping it does NOT come to this but I just want to know my options and be sure I am protected.
L: [huuuge sigh while he grabs a pad of legal paper] What's your name again?
Me: Nikki [last name]. [spelling of last name]
L: [misspells my name and has to be corrected - THREE TIMES!! It is a 3 letter last name! Asks me for date of separation and I said we're not separated, he let out a big sigh again and said "Well fine I'll put today's date" and proceeds to put the wrong date.]
Me: I have some spreadsheets with our assets and stuff on them. [I hand him 3 pages of stuff - one is spreadsheets with our assets and debts, one is our incomes over the past 6 years, and one is a rough estimate of our property.. it's not that much info and very easy to read.]
L: [quickly scans page 1, throws pages 2-3 back on desk and laughs] There's no way you have this much in property. No way. You have what.. a fridge that's worth $100, maybe $50 in other appliances. Oh wait a TV, that's another $10. No one has this much. You have to use garage sale values.
Me: even for brand new appliances we just bought?
L: yes, garage sale values, or less.
Me: Ok. Well, my H has a lot of tools, the resale on those is much higher than things like couches.
L: [who started this statement after "my H has" and talked over the rest of what I said] It doesn't matter.
Me: Ok.. well my other big concern is that a lot of the assets in my name are pretty concrete, like the savings accounts, while a lot that's in his name is not very defined like all his cars.
L: [while I was talking he was shaking his head while looking over page 1 of my spreadsheet, the part he hadn't tossed back at me] You add up the assets, split those, and split up the debts. What don't you understand?
Me: [frustrated tone] I don't understand how we split the things like race cars that...
L: [also frustrated] I won't tell you a value of the cars. I am not setting it up so you can come back later and say I misled you.
Me: Please stop interrupting me. I haven't been able to get a whole sentence out. What I was trying to say is things like race cars that are not an obvious amount. I also don't understand if there's anything I need to do if I decide to move out and need to protect my rights financially.
L: [who started talking over me around "if there's.."] I can't give you the value, I have no idea what these cars are worth.
Me: [calmer tone] I am not asking you for a value, I'm asking you how that's handled.
L: I won't give you an estimate on the cars.
Me: I don't care about the amount. I want to know how it works.
L: [angrily] You get an appraiser.
Me: Is that something I should do now? And do they have them for something like racecars?
L: I don't care when or if you do it. Someone out there can appraise anything.
Me: Ok forget that. Let's say I move out tomorrow, what do I need to do to protect myself?
L: If your H doesn't pay the mortgage the bank forecloses, that's what happens.
Me: No, I mean protect any rights to the equity. I can't afford to split the mortgage plus rent somewhere else.
L: So it goes to foreclosure.
Me: No, I think my H would make the payment, I'm concerned about the risk on my rights to the equity if I am not helping with the mortgage.
L: I told you all this on the phone. How old are you?
Me: 34.
L: [patronizing tone] Well apparently you don't understand that life doesn't always turn out like you'd expect. And you didn't understand what I told you on the phone.
Me: [putting paperwork in binder and preparing to walk out] forget it, I'm not working with you.
L: [goes into long spiel that has nothing to do with my situation, about splitting pension plans and about how his wife screwed him when she left after 34 years.. then suddenly he calms down] I'm sorry, please don't get upset. Let me explain again. [explains what I didn't ask about.. AGAIN.]
Me: Look, all I really need to know RIGHT NOW is how to protect myself. Do I need to get anything in writing, or what?
L: I can file for you right now, D will be done quickly.
Me: That's not my goal. I don't WANT to file for D, I want to protect myself in case we separate.
L: [angry] Oh so why are you here. Is this just a dry run? You wasted my time?
Me: I told you on the phone and today I don't WANT this D, I am just learning my rights and how to protect myself. And you'll get paid for this time.
L: The law doesn't protect you. Are you kidding? Murder is against the law but if someone murders you, you are still dead. Do you feel that you're protected if you're dead?
[at this point I felt threatened.. he seemed PISSED at me.]
Me: Well isn't that the point of laws, to protect people or to have consequences?
L: It's paper, it doesn't protect anything.

I was already getting up to leave - conveniently his cell phone rang so he was distracted, and I took off out the front door as quickly as I could (this is why I'm glad he had to walk so far to get back around to where I was!).

I rushed out the front door while he tried to catch up to me. On my way out he said "No charge" and I (knowing I was close enough to the car to be safe) said "Good God I should hope not."

When I got to my car two of the neighbors were hanging very close to it and I think working on how to steal it (they were looking way too close at it). I hit the horn "panic" button and they took off but were taunting me a bit from a distance as I left.

I got out of there FAST but was in shock for about 20 minutes. Then I called the legal service and told them what happened, exactly HOW bad this guy was, and said they needed to 1. get me a referral to a real L, and 2. drop him from their plan before he hurts someone.

Can you believe that???? RIDICULOUS!!!

I am amazed I shook it off as quick as I did, I think the dance class helped and probably the surreal-ness of it. Sheesh. Note to self: trust your gut, and don't even consider going to meet someone if you already got a bad feeling on the phone. (this goes for my prior IC and for this L.. third time's the charm right??).

------------------

On to better things...

Tomorrow I am packing up and heading out for a few days. I did have to tell H a little about it just to confirm he can watch the dog and feed the fish - he said he can, so I said thanks and got off the phone quickly. He has no idea where I'm going or even for how long, just asked if he could handle that for a few days.

Once I get back we'll still be in the same bedroom until my new bed arrives but I think that will be Weds. or so of next week, so not too much longer.

Good night all in all, other than that lawyer thing. Feel like I lived through about 3 days today, though.

[JAK58]

Nikki,

Im'e glad that you ran as fast as you can. That is unreal and he should have his licence removed.

Have a good trip and i hope you meet a lot of wonderfull people.

I don't know what you mean by wall up space. Is it Open?
You could use room dividers that you could put quilt batting on and cover in a fabric of your choice pretty cheap.(like a bifold door).

How hideous are the cabinets? Maybe you could sand and paint them and do fabric inserts.

JAK

[SDFoundGirl]

Eeek! Well, sweetie, it IS Halloween season....

On hiding the rack/cabinets: get a curtain rod (or two if your wall is that long) and hang curtains there. Several of us as teachers have done that in our classrooms to hide nooks or add flavor to our rooms. Best of all, it's pretty easy.

Some other ideas you might not have thought of: go on Craigslist to find a TV or anything else you think you'd like in your space; Ikea; paint your room; fresh flowers or incense (I like Nag Champra which is sold everywhere for not a lot of money--incense has a way of lingering and it's awesome when you walk into a good smelling room!); candles, pictures, etc.

Make this the nicest room in the house, and make it your sanctuary. All negative energy MUST be left at the door. Heck, you could get a smudge stick (made of sage) and smudge the room--smells good, and you symbolically get rid of any H slime that might have seeped in.

When I made my solo bedroom an oasis when H and I were having problems, I honestly enjoyed spending time in there. It was my oasis from the alien, and I half was disappointed when he wanted to move back in to the room.

Have a great trip! Bring back something--stones, a piece of wood, etc.--that you can place in your room and remember when you come back. Work on YOU, not your H on this trip, ok?

SD

[oldtimer]

O M G.

Good job getting out of there!!!!

"Note to self: trust your gut, and don't even consider going to meet someone if you already got a bad feeling on the phone. (this goes for my prior IC and for this L.. third time's the charm right??)."

Ding ding ding!!!

Do you think maybe this is some kind of boundary issue?

[NikB]

Thanks for checking in!

jak
Yeah that was really freaky. I can't run (due to my muscle issues) so it was extra frightening. Glad that the front door was close by! Who knew I should've taken pepper spray to the L's 'office' eh?

I thought about reporting him, but he's already "semi-retired" so I'm not sure if it's worth bothering. I don't think the legal service will be using him again, they were pretty shocked by his behavior. Might see if it's easily reported to the law licensing places... if not, I just don't think it's worth my time or energy right now.

On the wall space - it's kind of hard to describe. One "closet" is about 3 feet wide and made of 2 pieces of plywood nailed into the wall (one vertical "side" and one horizontal "top"). This has some shelves I plan to use in place of a dresser. Above that is what looks like a cheap (as in cheaply made) kitchen or laundry room cabinet or something... it's shallower than the closet, and has one longer piece that comes down next to the closet. Next to that is yet another cheapo cabinet - different shape, size, and depth. Below that is open and where I plan to put the garmet rack. All of this is kind of "recessed" into one side of the room... it's the side the couch/bed will face so I want to make it at least presentable to look at.

Hm.. the panel idea might work, will have to see if there's room to do that once the couch/bed is in.

Thanks for the cabinet ideas. They're hideous enough that they aren't really worth the effort to sand/paint. Ultimate plan was to tear them out and this whole room was going to be expanded and made into a master bedroom. We just hadn't gotten there yet. If I can find an inexpensive way to tear them out and put something else in entirely (do need the storage space) I may do that.

SD
True, maybe that whole thing was to get me in the "scary" spirit eh??

I was impressed with the legal service's response / followup at least. They told me they'd have a new referral for me "within 7 days." They called this morning, less than 24 hours. And the new L is listed on the county court's website as being one of their trained mediation attorneys... so I am hopeful she will be a LOT better. I don't think she could be worse.

Thank you for the curtain idea - I'm thinking that's probably the quickest and cheapest plan.

I love all your ideas for making it a "sanctuary." Thanks!! Especially picking up some thing (s) on my trip to decorate it. We do have a spare TV that gets used maybe once every 6 months so I'm planning to use that (hopefully H won't object.. can't imagine he will but I will keep Craigslist in mind just in case!). Depending on how much room I have once the bed is in there I want to get one of those "storage cube" ottoman things that can be used as both a coffee table and a seating area.

Also really love your point about leaving any negative energy at the door. As I've mentioned this is not a nice room currently.. it has been the eyesore that we just hadn't gotten around to messing with, so I need to put that out of my head and instead get excited about making it mine. I have been getting fresh flowers regularly for the kitchen table - may switch to putting them in my room, instead.

Part of this trip is going to be me thinking through whether this in-house thing is very temporary, just until we get the legalities worked out, or whether I want to try it longer term. That'll help me determine just how much $$ / effort to put into fixing it up too. For now I'm mostly focusing on things that I can easily take with me to a new place.

Definitely will keep the focus on me for this trip! The only H-related part of it will be figuring out the living situation, and that will also be focused on what I need.

OT
Oh yes.. a boundary issue, for sure.

I am proud of myself for at least beginning to recognize it and take action sooner though. Previously I probably would have gone to that IC at least a few more times "hoping" for it to get better. Or broken down crying in frustration at the L, rather than attempting to call him on it, and when that didn't work trusting my gut and removing myself from the situation. I only stayed as long as I did because I felt kind of stuck thinking that the legal service might not have another referral for me - it took me a minute to realize it really didn't matter, I wasn't working with this guy no matter what. I absolutely should have trusted myself sooner, but I do see that I'm getting better.

I've typed too long... I'm off for my trip!

May be on a bit if I have wireless, but otherwise I'll be back in a few days. Thinking of all of you and thank you for your support, as always.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

can't stay long, but just want to say I am SOOOO glad nothing bad happened out there. That IS so scary, and even though it sounds like you endangered yourself a bit, you did take action and took care of yourself getting out of there and doing the panic thing. I wouldn't have thought to do that!


So glad about the belly dancing. you'll only keep getting better!!

on the room, sounds like someone mentioned the curtain thing. I've seen that done a lot on home improvement shows. It's not the coolest thing, but definitely can make an eyesore look better.

I really like that futon you found. Let me know how you like it, cause I would like to get one for our spare room (if H will let me move the weightbench that hasn't been used in 3 years). oh, I was thinking, if the crease inbetween is uncomfortable, you could get one of those foam matress covers or something...just don't know if you'd have to take it off to make it a bench again. that would be annoying.

definitely put those flowers in your room! Get a little zen thing going or something. maybe a nice comfy rug to stretch on if you have room, and possibly a little waterfountain thing. I wonder if you can get one to hang on the wall?

That L guy musta had some real problems. He obviously needs to read DR or one of Michelle's books!!

[oldtimer]

Have a great trip!

[JAK58]

Thanks for the input on my thread Nikki.

Have a wonderful trip.

J