Divorced but CANNOT "move on": Urgent Help Needed!

[Dead Man Walking]

Just as I had made peace with the prospect of a l-o-n-g stretch of time incommunicado, the past 3 days have brought more contact than I was prepared to deal with...

You would think that 3 weeks of solitary confinement would have been plenty of time for me to reflect upon all my failed attempts to salvage my R. During that time, I have received priceless advice from my "advisory panel" here at DB.com, and I have read scores of other books, articles, and blogs. So on Monday, when faced with a familiar problem situation, how did I respond? Like Pavlov's dogs, I slobbered when my XW rang my bell.

I saw two missed calls from XW on my cell phone Monday morning. It's probably a good thing I didn't hear them; I don't think I could have resisted answering on the first ring. Before I could give in to the temptation to call her back, she called again. She had a simple request and the call was brief and businesslike. She wanted me to reschedule our S12's Parent-Teacher Conference because our D17 was in bed with an asthma flare-up and my XW was suffering a migraine.

Before I could even contact the school, XW called back to ask me to phone in prescription refills for D17's asthma inhaler and her (XW's) Zomig. Soon thereafter, she called again within an hour to ask me to take D17 to the doctor. I received calls several times during the day. Each conversation was about either S12's schooling or D17's medical situation. The early conversations were cordial and brief, but by late afternoon, she was almost crying from stress and pain.

[I had seen her this way frequently during our 18 year marriage. When she was three, a softball-size benign tumor was surgically removed from the base of her skull. Although the tumor never returned, scar tissue and swelling have been a constant source of pain. During our time together, she was diagnosed with myofacial and transgeminal neuralgia, similar to an electrical "short circuit" within the primary nerves of the jaw. The symptoms were indicative of absessed teeth, so she endured multiple root canals which brought no relief from pain so severe that sufferers sometimes committed suicide in years past.

The onset of these painful episodes were unpredictable and rapid. I have seen it occur after she would sit too close to cold air from a car a/c, or from sleeping on a lumpy pillow which impinged upon a trigger point on her skull. Only a strong narcotic analgesic would dull the pain, and on many occasions I would literally carry her into the ER for an intramuscular injection of Demerol. (The relief was a mixed blessing; because my XW was allergic to codeine, she traded her pain for nausea and vomiting.)]

Although XW has primary custody, I am a responsible father. So, I took our D17 to the pediatrician Monday afternoon. On the way back, we stopped at the pharmacy to get my XW's Zomig. Unfortunately, I was told that they were temporarily out of stock. So I called XW to explain and ask whether I should have the Rx transferred to another nearby pharmacy.

She said, "I never asked you to pick up my medicine. I just asked you to call the refill in for me. I planned to get it myself, or else ask my Dad to go."

The only thing I could say was, "Oh. I guess old habits are hard to break."

Then, she cut the call short because she had to get ready to eat dinner at her sister's house, where her mother was visiting from out of state. (She must have begun to feel better after we left her.) She didn't even thank me for going to the trouble to try to help.

[Breaking news: While I type this, my cellphone is ringing. My XW is calling from home, but I don't answer... Doesn't look like she left a voice message, so I won't know what she wanted for a while.]

Yesterday at 7:40 AM, XW called again. (Sounded like a full-blown "panic attack" this time.) She was hysterical because our S12 had refused to get ready for school, and had run into the back yard after telling XW he hated her. She tells me that he has been combative and disrespectful ever since I brought him back after spending most of the previous week with me. (The implication being that I must have influenced him in some way to revolt against her.)

Recognizing the trap she laid, I refused to bite. Instead, in a strong but calm voice, I asked her to take the phone to our son. I told him that we would have a much longer talk later about his behavior, but for now, he absolutely must cooperate with his mom and go to school. After a tearful explanation about Mom yelling at him and falsely accusing him of hiding his shoes to avoid school, he finally calmed down enough to apologize to her.

Later yesterday morning, XW called back. Although she had calmed down, she was still in confrontation mode, blaming me for not putting S12 to bed earlier when he stays with me. I reminded her that last week was "Fall Break", a school vacation, so I did let him stay up later. But I had brought him home Sunday afternoon, so she was responsible for enforcing his bedtime since then. She complained that he had "dark circles under his eyes" from lack of rest when I brought him home. She said she put him to bed by 9:00 Monday night, but he kept getting up for various reasons, and wouldn't go to sleep until after 11:00.

That is the point at which I would usually throw a zinger at her, like "It sounds like he needs a full-time Dad in the house." But, I remembered what you guys said about 180s and trying something different than what hasn't worked in the past. So I said, "I'm sorry that you have had such a tough week. I know how worried you get when (D17) is sick. And I will have a serious talk with (S12) tonight about his temper. He knows that I will not allow him to disrespect either of us."

She replied, this time in a friendlier tone, that I needed to be careful about making comments regarding our R when S12 is within hearing range. (At least she backed off her earlier insinuation that I had deliberately brain-washed him against her.) At this point, I remembered reading in one of Michelle's books that couples tended to rehash the same old arguments repeatedly during a troubled marriage.

In the past, I would have become defensive, denying to my XW that I had been carelessley talking in front of the kids about "off-limits" subjects. I had been down this road before with her. Last time we had this argument, I had told her that S12 was plenty perceptive enough to understand what had happened between us without me trying to influence him. I said that she underestimated him, and that she seemed too eager to blame me anytime either child makes a comment about missing "Dad".

Well, I knew that approach had been futile in the past, so I stopped myself this time. Instead, I asked X whether she thought I should find a family counselor for our son to talk with. Her answer was noncommittal, so I told her I would ask around at church for a recommendation. She didn't object. I ended the call quickly, being sure to leave her on friendly terms.

Next, I need a critique about last night's face-to-face encounter at her house. But I'll post that later...

(Sorry to be so long-winded; I sometimes write just for the cathartic relief.)