My "This is under newcomers" is locked - URGENT

[SingleAgain]

Thanks everyone but it's hard to detach. I feel like a fool. It's like I was there for my wife to get her through all the emotional turmoil she was going through and now that she is back, she is starting to distance herself again.

Detaching is vital to your sanity. Why can't you accept the fact that you can't control this? Why are you choosing to allow the situation to control you?

[goinginsanehere]

This is the kind of stuff that is keeping me back. Here is an email thread after my wife said the OM started talking to her again at work:
ME - I just knew that he would start talking to you again. It didn't take him long. Oh well nothing I can do it about so I'm not going to stress about it.
WIFE - why are you worried about it? I mean he said what he said and I'm not going to forget or forgive it...I mean come on, he insulted me in the worst way anyone could. I'm not going to lie and say I still don't have feelings for him, but that takes time to get over, but I would never go back
ME - Because we didn't think he would bother you after the email and voicemail but apparently he is trying to make up now and get back with you. Now people are coming up to you and saying oh he cherishes the ground you walk on, etc. It just makes me sick. But he has no problem putting you down with his attitude email.
There was no reason he had to show you some dumb truck.
WIFE - Look what ever was said, was probably before it all went down. Second I'm not falling for it. I sent him a text message saying thanks for the apology, but that doesn't make it hurt any less and that peoples true feelings come out when they are mad. The truck is another issue, he's just excited and wants to show it off, that is all. He knows that I was involved in the machine thing and wanted me to see it, that is all. Look, I have to work here and so does he, it going to be part of that, seeing him

[Yoyowife]

Okay GISH,
You are pushing her, you have to stop. She didn't contact him, he contacted her and she doesn't sound like she wanted him too. I agree that she shouldn't be talking to him if she told she wouldn't, but don't be so accusing. She is telling you she would never go back to him, what more could you ask for. I wish my H would tell me that. Tell her you realize she didn't contact him, but it still bothers you. Tell if she could avoid contact with him, it would make you feel better. Please don't push her away. Jealousy can kill a relationship. I know she caused you to be jealous, but we still have to be careful.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh that's not my intention. I'm just worried about you.

[SingleAgain]

This is the kind of stuff that is keeping me back.

You are keeping you back. How you choose to react to a given situation is not doing you any favors. Keeping your yapper shut is not a tough concept to grasp. Why the F do you continualy push her to be defensive?

[goinginsanehere]

Thanks for the feedback. I am honestly NOT trying to push her to be defensive...I guess I am letting my insecurities and jealousies get the best of me. I just still so unsure and hurt. I am sorry if I am coming across as a jerk or azz. I guess I just need to shut up then about anything she says ????

[Yoyowife]

I wouldn't say that you are a jerk or ass. We've all been hurt so badly, but most of the time they don't care. Pity will not bring them home. An attractive, strong, and caring person will. I believe you can sometimes discuss it with her, but don't be so confrontatiional.

[SingleAgain]

Thanks for the feedback. I am honestly NOT trying to push her to be defensive...I guess I am letting my insecurities and jealousies get the best of me. I just still so unsure and hurt. I am sorry if I am coming across as a jerk or azz. I guess I just need to shut up then about anything she says ????

How you feel is understandable. How you react is hurting your cause. When she says something that will get the standard knee jerk reaction stop and think about what you want to say. Say nothing and think about it some more. Time to read DR again.

[saffie]

Put an elastic band on your wrist. When she asks you a question remember to snap it before you answer. that will make you think extra hard each time before you open your mouth.

Saffie

[goinginsanehere]

I'm thankful my wife is back but not knowing what she wants from one minute to the next is almost as bad as here not being there.
I know I don't detach and pursue a lot of times but all own her own she went from saying she loves me and hates the OM and I'm her true love to going back to saying she still has feelings for the OM and that me and her are only roommates and she made a mistake coming back home. NOT ONCE did I ever make her feel bad for leaving and having an affair. Every time when she felt bad that she had left, I always told her it was OK and told her she did NOT do anything wrong and I was there for her no matter what. And now I've feel like a fool, like she took advantage of me to come back and gave me false home and now she's breaking my heart all over again.

[saffie]

GISH,

Just stop. What have you done to change from how you were before she left. I asked you this before?

Have you changed anything? If she left before and things are the same again then what do you expect?

You were strong for her at the end of her time away and that was attractive and brought her back. Do that again. We KNOW OM is a git and will let her down again. We KNOW that.

Saffie