Flip flopping is par for the coarse my friend. Now you know the ride isn't over. Just remain calm and remember your big win - she is back at home. Giver her space and do not fix this for her. Listen, listen, listen. Keep forward progress.
She told me today she is going out on Saturday night with people from work (all young single guys). I was NOT confrontational and was very calm about it but I just asked her why she was going out with other people when she hadn't felt up to going out with me yet and her is what she said in an email:
I'm upset with the way you are saying I'll talk with you later.....look I can do what I want and you can't stop me from that.....if I want to go I will...I see nothing wrong with it, they asked me to hang with them and I said yes. They are co-workers, young, and I'm not interested in anything but to hang out and have a good time....I'm stressed out and need time to relax
Going, Let it ride man. She hasn't figured herself out yet. Her best laid plans did not pan out and you are still in the cross hairs for what she perceives is wrong in her life. You have to choose your words correctly with each interaction. Very important. Did you respond to that email yet? If not, jot down what you plan to say here and I am sure we can come up with something that will not put her in defense mode.
I had called her at work and said I was feeling left out and felt that she was embarrassed to be back home. I seriously was very calm and reassuring that I was not trying to stop her from doing anything. I emphasized I was not mad, only that I felt hurt. She emailed me the following:
WIFE - Please don't call here acting like that again. I'm at work I have enough stress to deal with here and I don't need that on top of it. ME - Ok, I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to stress you out.
WIFE - Please don't call here acting like that again. I'm at work I have enough stress to deal with here and I don't need that on top of it. ME - Ok, I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to stress you out.
Ouch. You are going to have to do a better job at sensing when she is going to lash out at you. Stay out of harms way going. The two of you are not on the same page today. She is trying to bait you into a fight to justify going out. It doesn't make sense to you but it does to her. Let it go.
Okay, now that you know that you are not on the same page, back off and give her room. Do not question where the R stands. Just be pleasant, but not overly. Think of her as a good friend now that doesn't want to talk about what is bothering her.
Continue do your part of the chores and child rearing. Watch TV with her etc. but keep conversation and interaction light. She is confused and you don't want to push her into something that you both will regret. I believe they definitely go through a mental illness during this time.
Do not act sad and needy.
Hang in there, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Piecing is a roller coaster - even when BOTH OF YOU ARE SURE you want the same thing. I am 15 months into this GISH.
What have you done so far to make things different for her since she got back?
Strikes me that fitting into this new work place is important to your W. Maybe she feels she made a fool of herself with what went on with that other guy and she wants to go out and become part of the team - not get one on one with anyone - just belong.
Give her space. Be understanding. I know this is hard because you feel insecure and needy but you need to appear confident that you are the right choice. Give her space to breathe.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks everyone but it's hard to detach. I feel like a fool. It's like I was there for my wife to get her through all the emotional turmoil she was going through and now that she is back, she is starting to distance herself again. She was so happy to be back and now boom it's like she is doing a 360. She said she loved me, etc. and now she is acting cold again. And she is talking to the OM again at work. They ignored each other for 1 week but now she is starting to talk to him again. I really just want to give up.
