I am so tired of riding this mental and emotional rollercoaster. My H started and EA about 3 or 4 years ago, and at the time, I told him that this was going to cause trouble, but he insisted that they were "just friends", then "best friends". He had a breakdown 3 years ago and ended up in hospital, suicidially depressed. He swears to this day that she saved his life because she was "there for him". Apparently the 15 -17 hours a day I was at the hospital, holding down the fort at home (including standing on my doorstep and listening to his ex scream at me for 20 minutes) and trying to find ways to help him any way I could, don't count. He insists on having her over here at home to visit, and I refuse to make nice, so he gets mad at me.
I hate her. She is married and will never leave her husband because he is extremely rich. She just carries on affairs with both women and my H. She sends him emails every day telling him she loves him and that he is "hers". She had a lesbian affair with one of her extended family members and nearly ended that marriage too. My H is better looking and more charming than hers. She wanted him and went after him hard.
Lately, H has been under a lot of stress because of a large project we have going on at home. He was taking some time off of work, but told me he had to work the weekend before. He went off for the weekend with her. I caught him in the lie and he admitted it, but said nothing happened. I don't believe him. I have found cards and letters and sex toy kits that she has given him with little love notes still attached. He says that he is impotent. I don't believe that for a minute. He has not slept in the same room as me for three years. Basically since he took up with her.
I hate the emotional roller coaster I have been on for the last 3 or 4 years. I swing between hope and rage. Sometimes I hate him. I always hate her. When he was recovering from his depression, there was a period when I could do nothing right so rather than constantly being yelled at, I withdrew. Lately we have been getting along better. He has been better lately, until I caught his lie. The he got depressed again for about a week. I don't know if this was an act or not. One of the things that really bugs me is that he has never said he was sorry. He has never apologized. I don't know if he wants to be caught or what, I find her love notes and other junk in the house and it seems he barely bothers to hide it. Maybe he trusts that I won't snoop. Wrong.
I have been reduced to spying, and I hate it. If he says he has to work on a day he normally doesn't, I check up on it. I have been tempted to go to her H, but I need them to stay together. I have read about half the DB book and have found that I am getting small results, but sometimes I get so discouraged. Sometimes I wonder why I want him back at all, then I remember the first 5 or 6 years we were together. It was wonderful, I never felt so loved and cherished. I want that back, or at least some sembalance of it. There is an age gap between us, but it has never been an issue and still isn't. I have worried off 24 pounds in the last 4 weeks (not a bad thing, but not healthy) I am going to GAL and see if that shocks him into paying attention.
I need help, I need advice...
ME 48
H 37
M 9 years
T 10 years