Now I've done it.... again #4?

[nephartiti]

UG, I have that scratchy feeling in my throat and my nose is running. I'm officially sick with sick kids. The worst.

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. They really keep me going. Really.

H showed up this morning. He looked decent. He's been wearing the shoes we got him the last three times I've seen him. Today his hair was even combed.

Things were friendly. I gave him the taxes to sign within the first ten minutes of him being here. I half expected him to go after that, but he stayed for a little over an hour. He messed with the computer, set up a family photo slide show for the screen saver. He noticed I had one of the seascape pics he took as my desk top background. He seemed pleased with that.

He also noticed my quotes posted around the house that CaseyMooCow posted here somewhere. He liked the quote and chuckled a little.

Anyway, to give you guys the skinny. He still wants to work things out. He wants to take things slow and make sure things go smoothly.

I brought up the apartment he was planning to get. I asked if he was still doing that. He said he wasn't sure about the money and how it would affect us financially.

I told him it would be very tight. I want him to come home, but not because he feels cornered and has no place to go. I told him that he is right, he is starting school and needs a stable place to sleep, shower, and work. When he comes home, I want it to be because he is ready and comfortable. (I did not say that I do not think it will ever be completely comfortable. There are some things that just won't be dealt with until we are living together again.) I told him that if we work together, we can find a way financially.

This was so hard for me, but I think it was necessary. He is getting the apartment. He called later in the afternoon and let me know he was emptying the account to pay for the apartment.

There is one thing that is really bothering me. I was in the restroom. When I came out, he was still at the computer. Then he said he was going to the van to get some things. His phone, which is usually in his pocket, was on the desk. He grabbed it in a hurry and went outside. He was out there for 15 minutes. When he came back, he had a handful of S2's books and a blanket. I think he was on the phone. It was break time at school for OW. I have no proof and am trying not to let it bother me. I just don't think she's completely out of the picture yet.

He left shortly after that. Before he left, he said he will be coming over more regularly. He thinks it is important that we take our time, allow for interaction. He hugged me. I snuck in a quick kiss. He started laughing and said, "M, we have to take things slow. We can't skip steps."

We were both smiling when he left. Can anyone tell me what these "steps" are? I feel like he's following some guideline I'm clueless about. He said the same thing afte we ML. "I feel like we are skipping a step."

Anyway, I have gotten a little sloppy with the DBing. It's time to pull myself together and get back to it. I don't want to be TOO easy. No more stolen kisses. Next time he'll have to do the pursuing

My Retro e-mail was not mentioned. I will keep waiting.

[saffie]

Maybe the steps he is talking about are some he found somewhere? marriagebuilders? one of the various reconciliation books? or maybe he wants to go back to the 'dating' phase or 'getting to know you' phase. I don't know. Maybe you should ask him so that you are both working in the same direction. I can't see that it would hurt to ask him what the steps are so that you know where you are and can help with the process.

Saffie

[SallyM]

agree with saffie, the only way you'll know what steps he is talking about is to ask him. do it when you are together again and in a good place.

did you guys ever agree to a date for retro?

good job recognizing the need to db again.

as for the phone call, well, could be, could not be. try not to waste too much thought on it (yeah, I know that is hard)

[nephartiti]

I e-mailed our options for Retro. He has not brought it up again.

I am in trouble because I am starting to believe I am being duped. I know it is my fear talking, but what if my fears are right? What if he is leading me on so that I will be "content" and not snoop or question him about emptying the account. I shouldn't talk to my SIL, but she thinks maybe he is retaining an L with that money.

I don't know about any of it. I know I can't do anything about it anyway. I just know I will be crushed, DB or no, if it turns out he is just toying with me.

stop
stop
stop

I guess I am having trust issues. He has lied so much in the past. Ouch, this is hard.

You know my tendencies. I want to go drive by that school and see if they leave together again. That would be bad. I can't do that. I know I can't. I have to re-direct me energies today.

I just KNOW he is still lying about some things so that lets me believe it could ALL be lies. I guess this is where faith comes in. I will have to act AS IF he is being sincere and pray to God I am doing the right thing.

Sorry, I am rambling. My brain is rambling. Going a bit nuts here.

[saffie]

Neph,

You are right. You have got to have faith.

Your worries are natural and normal. Recognise them and then say I can't change things at the moment. I cannot control H< I can only control myself. Conjecture and ruminating are not healthy - let it go. Write your worries down and burn them. Do something but get rid. I know it is easier said than done but they don't achieve anything apart from possible destruction. The money has gone. You will find out in time what for - but if I were your H I would want somewhere to live more than a L. Was there enough money for both?

Saffie

[SallyM]

oh neph, (((HUGS))) I totally know what you are saying here. I am so freaking scared that H has this master plan. he has lied and betrayed me in so many ways that I never thought were in him, its almost odder to trust him at all at this point.

the truth is, you have no idea what his intentions or motivations are. and the fact that he hasn't answered you on retro yet is probably niggling at you, understandably so.

keep concentrating on yourself. making the plan to distract yourself today is a good thing. what can you do for yourself that is truly for yourself?

I know you aren't feeling well, and that probably isn't helping at all.

from Mozella's "last $20"

my self-doubt enslaves me
and your kind words could save me
but you just won't open your mouth...

...and I miss my family, and I miss the way I used to be
the better half of me that you simply refuse to see

[nephartiti]

Thank you, Saffie and Morgan. You are both right, of course.

I feel a little better between a hot shower and your sensible words.

I believe he is being sincere in most of what has happened recently. There was not enought money for apartment and a L.

Best case scenario:
He is being sincere and honest. He really does just want to move slowly to make sure we don't end up back where we were.

Worse case scenario:
He is on the fence and is not completely sure what he wants at this point.

Either way, I am better off now than a month ago when he couldn't stand to look at me. Regardless, I can't control him. If he is being deceptive, he has to live with that. I will be ok no matter what happens. My life does not depend on his choices. I will be affected, that goes without saying, but I will handle whatever comes my way when the time comes.

Game plan:

DB my ars off!
1. Let the calls go to v-mail. Answer once in a while
2. Accept some, but not all of his invites
3. Continue to act AS IF
4. No R or OW talk unless he initiates it
5. GAL
6. Be the one to "have to go" from phone calls.
7. End all contact on a positive note

[LL44]

Either way, I am better off now than a month ago when he couldn't stand to look at me

YES!! You are better off, no matter what. Fence sitting isn't horrible, but I really think he is ready to try again. SLOW SLOW SLOW

Love your game plan.

[Sara]

Neph,

You know your H best. But if it were me I would choose the weekend I think is best and go ahead and book Retrouvaille. Then tell him it's booked. Probably he'll go along with it, and if he balks, then just ask which dates are best for him. He agreed to go, so why wait to book it?

[789]

Nice to see another spouse wants to come home. You posted up somewhere how hard it is and trust issues, they don't go away over night. I have now been back home almost 8 weeks and it still has not gotten any easier. I would have hopped by now we would be moving forward at a faster pace but so far that hasn't happened. Just do NOT stop DB'ing during this time. I said in my thread it seems harder being back together than when we were apart and I still think that, but it is worth it, that much I can say.